Sneaking Back in

I had to type this out on a word document before uploading. I knew I’d still have to figure out my password for this site. And to be really honest with you, I don’t bother remember passwords anymore. I’ll get into my relationship with them one day. But yes, I had to get this out of my system before I brushed it off one more time. I miss this. Writing and have however many people read and hopefully a handful get it. You know? Or maybe you don’t. but I just really miss it. So here goes.

Hi!

How have you been? Really?
Did you ever think you’d live through a whole pandemic? I don’t think I even thought they exist outside of movies. And wow, this has been a real film. Things closed down but get what didn’t stop happening? Life. Nope, that’s one thing that keeps happening whether you’re ready or not. And everything since then has been happening at a thousand WTFs per second. Lives have changed so much! New people have been born, some died. The usual life stuff just kept happening.

I think I was trying to avoid talking about myself, not sure why because who else is there to talk about?
I’m okay in most ways and not so great in some. I’m on the other side of things I had always longed for. I’ve survived things I thought would definitely end me. The voice of reason in my head is so much louder these days. I’ve always been about self-care, but these days baby!!! it’s elevated. Any little inconvenience, I make sure to tend to my needs. I drop everything and run to my rescue. You see I’ve decided to reparent myself. To love myself more than any could possibly ever claim to love me. And it’s been the best thing I’ve done. I try to make sure I’m not operating from ego or a place of fear. But I believe if I had a child, I’d always put them first. I do a lot for my mental health, as best as I can at least. And I swear if I didn’t need community or a somewhat of a social life – I’d do this whole thing solo ’til the end. Because I don’t stress myself LOL! I may stress about bills or not having enough money to do the things I want to do or even when I believe I’m not living the life I thought I’d be living by now.
Those kind of things. On most days, I am gentle and extend a lot of grace to myself and remind myself of how far I’ve come and how much further I’ll still go. And then there are those days when it all just sounds like I’m making excuses and I get overwhelmed and just shutdown. Those are not my favorite days.
But I guess it’s all a packaged deal right? When I feel like this, I isolate and cater to myself! And sometimes this looks like letting myself stay in bed all day on a Saturday right into Sunday and binge on series or vlogs until it’s time to get ready for the work week. I’ve always been big on Sunday resets. Wake up, find a good sermon (preferably by SJR, I’ll tell you some day how she saved my life) or a live service if I catch one. Clean my home (it is so cute here – with traces of my everywhere lol and so very warm). Meal prep for the next 3 days if I can. Fill my home with the aroma of lavender oil in a hot bubble bath with my Epsom salts while I enjoy my late lunch/ early supper while the sound of a good sermon echoes and soothes my spirit. And when my water is the right temperature, I’ll find a nice feel good rom-com or cozy vlog and watch it as I soak in my candle-lit bathroom. And seal the night with a cup of chamomile tea. Romantic much?! Like I said, gentle is the name of the game. And then I try again and get back into the swing of things. I figured there’s enough tough love from the outside why not treat myself like an egg? “Anything for you Princess” is my favorite line and I love it here! And I am super grateful for the privilege.

I picked up a poetry book the other day and remembered just how much I really really loved writing. How words have always been my escape. And just how good I was at it. I’d like to revive that.
I’ve changed in a lot of ways; I’ve picked up silly habits like doubting myself and my abilities, grew insecure about things I would’ve never thought I’d ever be shy about. The knock my confidence took over the last three years is taking me so long to fix. Thank God I still look calm and poised on the outside while the inside is a turbulent mess! I’m working on it and I wish I could wake up one day and not have to work on it anymore. But! Grace and patience Love. Maybe I’ll talk about the events that changed my life on here. Maybe I won’t. I’m just glad I let myself write something on here.

How do you show up for yourself?

People who know how to put your feelings in a song…

Hey, Long time. I know. I’m sorry, I will make a return – it will be gradual.

So… I was sortta drowning in feelings – something that’s happening a lot lately ( read for the last 400 days of my life ha!) And I came across this song. And yeah, ima share…

I think it’s time we confronted the situation in front of us And I think it’s time we talk it out and forget all the fuss And if it’s not me, I’ll have to understand and I’ll be out your way No drama involved But if you feel it’s me, if you feel I’m the one You’re gonna have to make a way for me to see it

But as for me you’re the one And in my heart our time will come
Till the end imma always be right by your side
But as for me you’re the one
And in my heart our time will come
Till the end imma always be right by your side
I know you’re the one I know our time will come
I feel you in my heart
I see you in my dreams
I keep you in my prayers

I think it’s time you admit that I’m the only one for you yeah
And I think it’s time, you let go of all your fears
And just trust me babe cause I know your heart
And I know this isn’t what you’re meant to do
You have pure intentions what is the issue
So just open up and let me see inside
Maybe you should just put your pride aside

I know we can make it baby take a chance on me
Let me show you good times baby take a chance on us
Take a chance on us

 I know you’re the one
I know our time will come
I feel you in my heart
I see you in my dreams
I keep you in my prayers

Sung by Elaine, a musician from South Africa ❤

I need to be loved like this yo!!!

Solitude

My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude. – Warsan Shire

Imagine meeting someone who loves their own company as much as you love your own.
And you say things like “you like being alone and I like being alone, lets be alone together” and it sounds like the most magical thing ever and not as cheesy as you’d imagined it.

I believe in magic and miracles and answered prayers. And I have learnt different ways to connect to the creator, through creation and through a very important tool – my tongue. You see… it would’ve been so easy to give up and say, “fuck this I don’t want to give anyone else a chance because when this shit goes sour it hurts like a muther!!!”
No. Instead I am choosing to trust all I have ever learnt. I have listened to the sounds the breaking pieces of my heart made as they cracked… every single time. All they ever asked for was a chance to mend and be whole again. Because they actually love what they do; they love. They feel. They carry hope and most of all, they carry all those I love and have ever loved. How dare I dwell in the misery and false promise of this being it, the end? How did I ever think my story was done? How could I leave my heart in pieces?

Imagine realizing you have been an active participant in the brainwashing scam of your own damn self. Like some John Black and Stefano Dimera stolen memory saved on a floppy disc kind of shit. OMG!!!

I had to unfuck myself and go back to the person I was before I believed any of that BS I was fed about never being enough of amounting to anything. I had to shut out and shut down, leave the world because it always asked that I be strong and happy and positive and cheerful and such a good example that women are strong.
Fuck that.

I unsubscribed from being a strong woman, because unfortunately she comes with a serious amount of bitterness because her strength is measured by the number of punches she can take – no, not from life and the world – but rather from mutherfuckers (I tried to find a better word to describe them but all the words in all the world do not have as much punch as this in describing the breed of people i’m talking about here) who cannot stand their own company and love their misery so much and are always eager to have guests who will commiserate. And if you are a guest that stays long enough until the misery starts to seep out of your pores and you hear yourself beat your own damn self-up for ever thinking you could do better… you are a strong woman! You earn your badge of honor. You get a ring that will make all the other weak women envy you. What a load?!

So, I am not a strong woman. I am a woman. I am soft and fragile. I am a glorious mess and I am magical.
My alone feels so good and someone who likes being alone, likes being alone with me. And it is sweet AF!

Relationshipically nyised!

Two thousand and eighteen. The year with many years in it. A whole WOW!!!

So in this one year alone I have managed to get myself in the same sticky situation too many times. I have managed to convince myself of things I would never ever have in any other situation. Ei, I screwed myself hard and the wrong way.

I’ve moved 6 times in this year alone. SIX TIMES!!! Half of the times were always back to a place I should’ve known was not for me the very first time I left. But because I need remedial lessons in the relationship department… LMFAO. And I truly and deeply believed that was my home. I went against all I know and always say about never making homes out of people’s hearts… and did just that. I made a home out of a heart, one I have loved so dearly and for the longest time.

I believe I know better now. Too much has happened, I have lost more than I have gained, and it is safe to say there is nothing there for me anymore. I believe this more than I can explain!

I went to find healing at the place I was hurt, redundant much?

It has all changed now, I feel like I have somewhat of a new life. A new lease of life. I’m on that new new and I like it a great deal! I won’t say too much lest I jinx the good flow! But all I know is…

I am so grateful for the kind of support I’ve had in the past couple of months. I feel lucky and loved. And it is these connections that have me convinced I am not as bad as this situation has made me feel over the years and that I truly am worthy of love, time and affection. And that my cup can be filled again!!!

THANK YOU 😊

 

 

“If That’s What It Takes”

You’re the bravest of hearts, you’re the strongest of souls
You’re my light in the dark, you’re the place I call home
You can say it’s all right, but I know that you’re breaking up inside
I see it in your eyes
Even you face the night afraid and alone
That’s why I’ll be there

When the storm rises up, when the shadows descend
Every beat of my heart, every day without end
Every second I live, that’s the promise I make
Baby, that’s what I’ll give, if that’s what it takes
If that’s what it takes

You can sleep in my arms, you don’t have to explain
When your heart’s crying out, baby, whisper my name
‘Cause I’ve reached out for you when the thunder is crashing up above
You’ve given me your love
When your smile like the sun that shines through the pain

That’s why I’ll be there

When the storm rises up, when the shadows descend
Ev’ry beat of my heart, ev’ry day without end
I will stand like a rock, I will bend till I break
Till there’s no more to give, if that’s what it takes
I will risk everything, I will fight, I will bleed
I will lay down my life, if that’s what you need
Every second I live, that’s the promise I make
Baby, that’s what I’ll give, if that’s what it takes

Through the wind and the rain, through the smoke and the fire
When the fear rises up, when the wave’s ever higher
I will lay down my heart, my body, my soul
I will hold on all night and never let go
Every second I live, that’s the promise I make
Baby, that’s what I’ll give, if that’s what it takes

If that’s what it takes
Every day
If that’s what it takes
Every day

 

Wishes and Horses

So…

I know I know. You’ve missed me. It’s been too long. I have missed this space too.

So much has happened. So much has changed. I have grown and so have those around me. And it has all been nothing short of magical.

I prayed and wished for a different working environment. I applied myself, in all senses. I knocked and knocked. A door opened. I walked in. I stayed. And it has been a dream. I tear up just thinking of the connections I have made. Connections with souls, I am still doing ground work, lol. Feeling them out and stuff and I can safely say… 3 months in, I can fux with this place. I am happy. And no I am not jinxing it. I know if I were to leave for a better position, I made some solid friendships. Sisters in fact. What I longed for. I’m so grateful.

There’s so much strength women can draw from each other. So much wisdom to be shared. So many tears of letting go to be shed. So much more value in being around people who want the same things as you. So much!!!! I am not alone. I am not crazy. I am loved, I am beautiful. I hear these things and believe them. Man!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m keeping this steady. I didn’t realize just how much real support I needed. I am better. I am stronger. I love this. All of it. I’m keeping and riding this til the end.

I will be back here as much as I can. When my days are freer. I know I will talk about these new connections a lot more. And I will see if there is anything from the past that still needs polishing. LOL!!!!

 

Love and All The Light

InnerCentia
❤

 

 

Situationships Part #3 – Letting go

Yes. I’m back with this stuff and you’re reading it again. It must be love? 🙂

So…
You’re in your situationship. For how ever long. And you realize it’s not going anywhere or maybe it’s gone where it could and you are just not willing to push it any further. And this is okay. Things end. This ship is sailing in a different direction to the one you had laid out for yourself and maybe even opposite to the direction you had both initially planned to sail in. So, you let it go. It no longer serves you.

Now, I am not delusional. I know this is not easy. I mean, I lived the song in my last post so many times. I didn’t want to let go and didn’t want to accept things as they were. I didn’t want to believe that it was “over”. I felt betrayed, let down and unloved. I blamed everyone and everything. I hated. I was bitter. I was mean and a whole lot of things I know now I shouldn’t have been. I found out much later that this wasn’t and isn’t the way to deal with things that end, like relationships. I was only slowing down my own healing process.

You see… if only healing from a broken relationship was a process shared with the person who’s name you say when asked “who hurt you?” things would be different. But this is not always the case. This is on a super saiyan level of adulting. Where we get to sit down like #hurtbae and talk it out. And somehow try to help each other through this grieving process and get “closure”.  You would do this before the both of you split, to make sure there is no unfinished business and  that your next partners don’t have to live in the shadows of your exes. You would adult and walk away knowing that it is indeed over. An amicable parting. Where you both can ride into the sunset having accepted what is.

Now, having lived the song in my last post I know how cumbersome holding on to what’s gone or dragging it along is. If you give anyone heaven on a platter, it should be from a good place. This way you can never be bitter over it, you wont feel like anyone owes you anything. And if you are giving someone what they are not giving back, you can either stop or resign yourself to it. My point: you have a choice. No one can save you, no one is coming for you unless you make that call. Be true to YOU, take your head along. Give when you can give, give without expecting and watch your cup never dry up.

People change. Actually, I don’t believe that. People evolve, yes that sounds better. People evolve into different versions of themselves at different times in their lives. They evolve into versions of what their current circumstances require. This is adaptation. This is what you too, since you’re human (otherwise I’m fucked if you’re not human and reading this) can and will do. You will adapt. You will heal. You will come out of your pain stronger and hopefully wiser. But here is where it starts…

LETTING GO.

 

 

“Can’t Let Go”

When did it go wrong, I will never know

I have loved you all my life
How did it slow down, I go round and round
Thinking about it all the time

I gave you heaven on a platter baby
I gave you everything you never gave me
I never lied and I never faked it
Only wanted for you to save me
This love, it ain’t over yet
There’s too much that I haven’t said

Did you find the note that I wrote?
I hid it in the seam of your coat
It was hard to write with a lump in my throat
Do you even know that I can’t let go

Why were you so cold, let the truth be told
Tell me was it all for the thrill?
What was I thinking, I gave you everything
But you still went for the kill

Ooh sometimes I feel like I’m in the dark
Ooh I thought I’d die in your arms

Did you find the note that I wrote?
I hid it in the seam of your coat
It was hard to write, I had a lump in my throat
Do you even know that I can’t let go

Hope you know, I won’t let go

-Adele

 

GROWN ASS WOMAN

I copied this from  Sam’s Blog because everyone needs to see it.

“Surprisingly Age Appropriate”

There’s something about it. Something about that type of independence and confidence. The kind that only comes with experience. The kind that only comes with time and having fought your own battles. Something about being resourceful and working for what you want. Being kind cause you’re too busy minding your own. And only time can teach you that. Something magnetic about a Grown Ass Woman.

Betting to yourself that she knows exactly what she wants. Bet she wouldn’t be afraid to tell you either. No games or wondering. She doesn’t throw her time away. She takes care of herself so she can take care of others, not so she can advertise. A lady is still a lady even if she’s down to be silly, get dirty and not worry about her fucking makeup, hair or some bullshit pair of shoes. She’s too sure of her worth to give a shit about taking other women down. She knows what she needs. She’s intelligently open about all of it. That’s maturity. Sexy as hell.

There’s more to it than assuredness and responsibility. More to it than taking care of your family. And more to it than having earned your own shit. A hell of a lot more.

I don’t need to hear that you’re an asskicker or some sort of rebel. Don’t care. Cause I’ll see it and hear it in your words. Over time. That you’ve challenged yourself. You’ve failed. You’ve succeeded. You’ve loved, been burnt and done the burning. You’ve wanted, been wanted and been rejected. You trusted, you took those leaps of faith. You fell. You rose up. Through lean and plush times you learned who you are. What you’re capable of. And what you aren’t. And you own every fucking bit of it. The world was never out to get you. No fault to be placed.

There’s a true story and history to a Real Woman.

It’s knowing your value and your shortcomings. Respecting your body. You’ve learned to accept yourself so you can accept others right where they are. Your energy is spent bettering yourself, not trying to bend everyone else to your whims. You invest in heart, not what someone can do for you. That’s maturity. And you’ve got too much going for yourself to play it any other way.

I wish the Y, and Post-Millenial Z boys all my best. I’ve got it good up here with grown ass ladies. And I’m a better man for my friendship with each and every one. Decidedly not fucking around with anything less in any part of my life.

I want it so bad!!

So…
I’m a really good diagnose-r, especially of the self. I have only just recently been able to apply it to others, close people of course.
But I’ve gotten very good at pointing out and actually naming what’s “wrong” with me. Remedies and cures are still in the pipeline.
Diagnosing my loved ones and helping them articulate what they are feeling and experiencing has been an interesting ride. I have found that it in turn helps harness how I deal with myself too.

I am more of practical than theoretical. I can read and be told a million things but until I experience them first hand, I won’t believe them. This is perhaps why it took me years to finally pick up a  “self help” book. Because I knew those words would be just that, words. They wouldn’t translate to messages or lessons. Here is where I’m going with this. I have read and listened to many motivational and encouraging books and podcasts and have been hooked on positivity and the REAL application of it in my life. This happened only because things started making sense.

A while ago, I learnt the art of detaching. Removing myself completely from a situation and standing firm in the belief that what is meant for me will NEVER miss me. I believe this with all my might. I have seen it work. And I have shared it with my people. They have bought into it. Now, because this shit (life) gets tricky sometimes; I am in a position where I want something really REALLY bad and I know how significantly detaching would serve me. But I want this so bad. So So SO MUCH!!! I don’t know how to sit in the passenger seat this one time and let what happens happen. I’m out here trying to find glitches and loopholes in the universe just to let me hold on to this and see it come true. Without losing myself in its uncertainty and have it consume me only to spit me out because it wasn’t meant to be.

I think I just reminded myself of it’s power in that last sentence. I’ll let it rest.
I’ll leave it out there. Even thought I know… I want it so bad!

❤