TWENTY EIGHT

So… I turned a year older yesterday. Whooopie!!!!!!!

I vlogged about how I feel and actually surprised myself at what I had to say.
I mentioned the things I am grateful for. One of them was the opportunity to be me. How crazy? Well, I am crazy aren’t I? But on the real, I am so happy that I was chosen to be ME!!!

Sure, it would’ve been nice to be some rich famous person like Kim K. LOL!!!!
But I am not. And that’s okay with me. I am me and I am the best version of me.
I love where I’ve been. I love where I’m going. And I’m learning to love and appreciate how I’ll get there. I get so teary eyed when I go through my list of things I am grateful for. I’m overwhelmed by the grace and mercy I’m given. It could all end at any second, but while I still have it, I am going to hold on tight!

I had a lovely and chilled out day with the love of my life. Someone I want to talk about all day and all night. But also want to protect. It’s crazy. But let me leave this here, I think the sun shines out her rear… she thinks so too. LOL.
I swear I’ve loved this human for a thousands years. I wish all of you meet and get to love someone as deeply as I do her. And yesterday, she went out of her way to make me feel special and it worked. I felt like the sun sets in my rear LMAO – this is getting nasty!!!

Back to gratitude and being 28… I get to do more. Live a little more. Isn’t it great? I get to do more of what I like. I get to be Me. I think I’ve run out of words now, an absolute first. Is this what growing older means? LOL!!!

Signed,
Older, grateful and wiser
❤

 

Eternal Sunshine

Is it strange for me to say that

If I were to die today
There’s not a thing that I would change
I’ve lived well
Maybe I have made mistakes and been through my fair share of pain
But all in all, it’s been okay, I’ve lived well

And the more that I see, the more that I know
I don’t know anything, at all
Like the more that I breathe, and start to go slow
Of all the many things, I can only recall

All of the good things, good things
All of the good things, good things
Only the good, the good, the good
Only the good, the good, the good

Living on Sycamore street, and spending weekends on the beach
We were free, to be everything we dreamed
Flying kites and water fights
Summer nights, we’d ride our bikes
On Over Hill, Ladera Heights
Man I swear…

And the more that I see, the more that I know
I don’t know anything, at all
Like the more that I breathe, and start to go slow
Of all the many things, I can only recall

All of the good things, good things
All of the good things, good things
Only the good, the good, the good
Only the good, the good, the good

From Jhene & I
#eternalsunshine

❤

 

Exams are abusive

Yeah I said it. And you know it too.

Whenever something happens in my life that I feel is not pleasant, I always say “I did not sign up for this shit.” It’s my go to line. I heard myself say it in my head during one of my exams. In case you’re wondering how they were, I will go ahead and tell you. SHITTY. Shittest. Fucked up. Torturous. Not all of them, just those that I studied really hard for only to find that half the shit I was confident about didn’t even make it on to the damn paper.

I quickly remembered that I did sign up for this shit. Yes sir I did. I signed up and have the bills to prove it and weight loss and stress to go along with it. It’s all done now and I have to wait in agony for results I know are probably going to be just as shitty as the whole ordeal. I signed up for this shit. I signed up for it because I want to be stressed out for 3 years, I want to be tens of thousands of Rands broker. Because I am self sabotaging. I want to take on yet another challenge to boast about overcoming.  Because I want to have something to write about and complain about.

Okay. Enough drama. I need to find a better way of studying. For next year. And I hope, I really really really hope I didn’t flunk any and if I did, can I at least qualify for a sup {Lord Jesus, I never thought my life would ever come to this, me, Centia, talking about supping?! *SMH*} But yes, back to studying better or finding better ways. Can you believe I actually learnt new things during my exams??? ahahahahahahaha!!!!

I’m starting a study group. I’ve approached a few students and they are keen. Some are part time like myself and others are full time. I can’t be this person.
And now that I’ve seen where my weakness is, I can surely fix it. For now, I’m glad this shit is over. Dankie Modimo

A love like this.

I found myself deep in my feels. And no matter how hard I try, I always find myself in Adele’s arms. She’s always so ready to accept me. 

One of her older offerings. A song as happy and sad as its melody. A song I believe she consulted with my kind of love and got permission to sing.

“Make You Feel My Love”
When the rain is blowing in your face,

And the whole world is on your case,

I could offer you a warm embrace

To make you feel my love.
When the evening shadows and the stars appear,

And there is no one there to dry your tears,

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love.
I know you haven’t made your mind up yet,

But I will never do you wrong.

I’ve known it from the moment that we met,

No doubt in my mind where you belong.
I’d go hungry; I’d go black and blue,

And I’d go crawling down the avenue.

No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do

To make you feel my love.
The storms are raging on the rolling sea

And on the highway of regret.

The winds of change are blowing wild and free,

You ain’t seen nothing like me yet.
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.

Nothing that I wouldn’t do.

Go to the ends of the Earth for you,

To make you feel my love

To make you feel my love

Stressed out

So I am 27 and will be 28 in a month.
The last exam I sat down for was way back in 2006. The course had been such a breeze that I didn’t even feel the exam.

Fast forward… it’s 2016. I sit for my first exam for the semester tomorrow. The last semester of the year. It’s my favorite module. But I am freaking the fuck out. Like majorly. For all the tests I’m about to take. Maybe it has to do with the end of the year. I am anxious and a bundle of nerves. I want to do well. This feels like exams in high school, especially finals in grade 12. I would have bad dreams and hardly slept. My dreams ranged from me pitching to the exam room in pajamas and not being allowed to write because one of  rules is that you be there in full school uniform. In the other dream, the words are floating around on the pages. MY POOR YOUNG LIFE. I survived. I am here now.

These coming exams are stressing me out just as much. If not more. I just feel like too much is happening, like life is asking too much of me. Like everything wants a piece of me, a good piece of me. I am not dealing. I am not dumb. I know I’ll do well. But I want to do very well. I am too old to be messing around. This is MY money I am spending on this degree. It is my time. I need to prove to myself and anyone I will approach for a job in this field that I am serious.
I am not crazy about a piece of paper. I am in this for the long haul, I want the education. The knowledge. The skills. And ultimately the application thereof.

I’m still freaking out. I’m still a mess. I need a pill for all the theories floating around in my head. HELP. I’ve removed everything that’s a distraction on my phone. I am praying, meditating, studying and doing everything under the sun to get me through. But yoh, kyanyeka mfethu. (I can’t translate, it’s just got to do with shit and me doing it)

Can I just wake up with a degree, an established career, my dream cars, a house and married to my love and have a little one on the way.

Signed,
Stressed the fuck out.

*side note* This post would’ve actually make a good video/ vlog!

 

Spotless Mind

Change is inevitable

Why hold on to what you have to let go of?

Like, did I really break your heart?

Was it all my fault?

If you don’t knock it off

You know like I know where this was headed
I’m a wanderer

I’m a wanderer, baby

I’m a wanderer

I’m a wanderer
Lani Kai was nice

Turquoise seas and ocean breezes

Loving you was nice

But it’s a new day, a new season

I’ve been sad inside

And he could see it, picked up your pieces

We are just alive

And alright, alright, alright
He’s a wanderer

He’s a wanderer, baby

He’s a wanderer

He’s a wanderer
I started as a love song

24 years in the making

Moving from place to place

And I never really settled down

Without a place to call home

I got so used to the changes

Moving from stranger to strangest

You should face it

I am crazy
I’m a wanderer

I’m a wanderer, baby

I’m a wanderer

I’m a wanderer
Shame on me for changing

No, No, No,

Shame on you for staying the same
Shame on me for changing

Shame on you for staying the same
I’m a wanderer

I’m a wanderer, baby

I’m a wanderer

I’m a wanderer

Maybe I’m just a wanderer

Maybe I’m just a wanderer
– Jhene & The most Sagittarius of me 

❤️

I won’t make you pay for their sins

 

That’s all.

❤

 

 

“The Pressure”

Blues on a Friday morning… I should really be home listening to the rain. Instead, I’m here listening to:

I care about you baby, baby
More than you’ll ever know
More than you’ll ever know
Please do not drive me crazy, crazy
Unless you’re gonna go
With me

No pressure
No pressure, I know you’re real
The pressure
The pressure will make you feel

Up till the sun rises
There’s no compromising
I know, I know, I know
You are such a liar
I never denied you
I was for sure
But it’s really out of my control
The way you feel is not my problem
I don’t wanna see you go
But I don’t have time to solve this
And you don’t have the right
After all you put me through
I’m starting to realise

Pressure
The pressure I know you feel
Pressure
The pressure just keep it real

Major weed smoke in the air
Pass it like you just don’t care
Have you seen my fucks to give?
I have none, I cannot live with

The pressure
The pressure you know I feel
The pressure
The pressure to keep it real

Pay attention to the signs
Stay and listen, you will find
Everything, ain’t rocket science
Every gem is not a diamond

But the pressure
The pressure will make you feel
The pressure
The pressure

The pressure
The pressure will make you feel…
Real

-Jhene & traces of my soul

How oh how does this woman know so much.

A letter to my 16 year old self.

Baby girl…

You are beautiful. And everything is going to be just fine.

I wish I could tell you how to live your life and how to do things differently. But that seems unfair. How then will you experience your true self? So I won’t. I’ll just tell you things you need to know, a  catch up session if you will 🙂

You are going to meet so many different people. Each one will leave you with a lesson you need at that particular time or to use later on. Just listen and receive.
You need to know that there are so many different kinds of people with different backgrounds out there. People you will find easy to understand because you had to learn a lot a lot sooner than most. There will be challenges. You will not be received everywhere as you are.  There will be those who are attracted by that light only with the intention of it rubbing off on them instead of just basking in it with you. This will hurt. You will give, give, give, and give until you don’t have anymore. And one day in your 20s you will learn that:

you cannot serve from an empty vessel

You will need to learn the right amount of selfishness. You also need to understand that not everybody is self aware. That some people are experiencing hardships in their late lives and fall apart later in life. And your own earlier experiences would’ve prepared you dealing with such.
You are going to meet broken toys. You will fall in love with them. You will want to play with them in their brokenness and want to fix them little by little.  This is a good thing, don’t ever stop. You are doing a great job with your current toy. You helped save him from the darkest hole.
Keep this up, with others too. Don’t tire. There is good everywhere and everybody needs love.

But please, baby girl please, make sure they want to be fixed. Please get consent. Otherwise you will only break your own self. Remember the empty vessel?
And most importantly – remember that people’s insecurities are just that, their own.
Try to not make them your own. You don’t have to walk in their shoes to help them, keep your light.

I know you are still hurting from losing Themba and Papa. Things are still pretty shaky where your are. You are going to meet someone that looks like them in 3 years. And you are going to love her for the longest time. Losing her will hurt and cut just like losing Themba did. You will lose her so many times in this one life. There is nothing I can do to prepare you for that turmoil. For the ups and downs you’ll go through with her. For the joy you’ll feel every time you look at her, the beauty and greatness you see when you listen to her and the newness of the love you feel for her all the time. Cherish those moments. As you will learn, forever is only as long as you make it.

You will make the deepest connections with YOUR people. You will know they are your people by how you vibe with them. Respect this. Honor this. Treasure this. Tell them, every chance you get. You are of a select few. Know your greatness. Plus honey babe, you are going to grow up in a digital world where you will meet more of yourself and it will feel like home. BASK!!!!

In closing… Don’t do anything differently. Love fully, love recklessly, live loud, live bold. Don’t half ass anything. You are different. Embrace that. Trust those people. Yes. Fuck up your credit score. Get married. Get divorced young. Hurt. Heal. Love again. Hurt again. Fix it all and don’t let it get back to being messed up. Take the good from every bad. Spread cheer. Stay in your magic.

I fucken love you!!!

PS.  You are going to add yourself as a contact on your phone and start chatting to yourself.This will go on for so many years and will beat journaling because they will look like texts send to you {laugh really loud}. You are going to tell yourself the most amazing things about yourself, you are going to believe yourself. You are going to be kind to yourself.  You are going to make yourself feel the way you work so hard to make others feel and for this, you will never be lonely!!!!

Love & all the light in the world.
Your 27 year old self.

❤

 

 

Silent Treament

Allow me to take a moment. Of silence.
I take a lot actually. Some call it self preservation. Some call it being moody. I call it what it is, silence.
I have days when I feel its a bad habit I need to kick and days I can find all the reasons in the world to justify it. So I don’t. Try to kick it that is.

Let’s break it down. What is the dictionary (the internet has dictionaries for sentences, isn’t this world just awesome??!!) meaning of Silent treatment? Well, this is was the first I found: an act or instance of maintaining silence or aloofness toward another person, especially as a means of indicating disapproval or rejection.

Now… this meaning alone has my mind racing through instances of every single time I have ever consciously decided to STFU. There are so many. But I am going to first go into experiences of being the receiver of this treatment. Side note – I don’t forget anything that’s ever made me feel, really really feel… I could paint so many pictures, but this post is not about that.
My earliest memory is with my mom. I had done something that she figured was not worthy of a hiding and she chose to just be quiet. That was the most hurtful, unexplainable, most mind fucking experience of my childhood life. Never had I wished to be whipped, cussed out or even punished in any other way than just silence. It hurt so much, just thinking of it makes me shudder! She started doing it often – look, over the years I have learnt to excuse a lot of the things she did, she was a young mother from a world totally different to mine and had to teach herself parenting. She did the best she could. I turned out okayish. LOL!- and  you know how when something is done a lot you get accustomed to it? Yeah? No. This stung every time. I mean this was a lady who always said the greatest things to me, about me, someone who was on my side and always wanted me to win. And now had nothing to say. 😦 I must’ve really fucked up!
I know now, after many talks, that she was just tired LOL. I get it. Doesn’t make the memories go away, but I understand where she was coming from.

Now as a full-on adult. With years of experience, I can safely say that silence is my go-to place. Instantly. Easily in fact. So much so that I don’t take offence to the treatment (unless I love you, then it still has the same effect it did when I was a little girl). {insert shuddering here}
I have one of those nasal-sounding come multi-toned varying pitches, I-don’t-know-how-to-explain-it voices. I’ve been told I sound like I’m crying when I get excited.
I am telling you about my voice because I want you to understand why I don’t argue and fall into silence whenever I get “excited”. So imagine me in that high pitched voice having to argue a point across to someone who’s not willing to hear me. Epic fail much?
See, I am not confrontational. I am one of those who will probably keel over and die if confronted and backed into a corner. Otherwise, I cry. A lot. I have avoided conflict for that sole reason for the longest time. I skip angry and head right into water-works. Messy, slimy, hicuppy and just heartbreaking crying sessions. Do you know that lady that cries in ALL the Tyler Perry movies. Yeah… that lady. I could play her in a movie.
I digress.
So I avoid conflict. It turns out this is in my personality type. I believe in prevention rather than cure, so much so that I struggle with cure, like extremely. I freeze. Remember that keeling over? I feel like that’s what might happen. LOL! So I try my best to be the best. I try by all means to avoid conflict.

So yeah… silent treatments. Epic mind fucks. But that’s probably the case only with me. Sometimes I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish I could be so removed from situations. I wish I could. Maybe in another life, I guess for now i’m just this person…