“I don’t want to be your friend anymore”

You know how we easily accept and understand this when a 5yo says it? It should apply to adults too. It’s okay to break up with friends. If you are no longer walking the same path or have a toxic relationship, saying bye and cutting ties is the best solution. I am a firm believer of protect those who matter to you. Protecting them for anything that may cause them harm. If anyone or anything doesn’t build you, why should you continue with it?

Sometimes saying these words to someone you saw as a friend is harder than just withdrawing from them. But it has to be done. I broke up with a friend that doesn’t know we’ve broken up, the most unfair thing that I could have ever done to her – since we both decided to be friends. But I couldn’t bring myself to actually sitting her down and discussing my feelings, perhaps because I knew she might try and have us work at it or fix it? Maybe I didn’t want it. It’s like that relationship where you stayed longer that you should’ve and watered a dead plant that never bloomed. I have been guilty of that too. Staying when I shouldn’t have.

So I’ve taken it upon myself to be conscious of these kind of weeds and cut them before they cut me. I have no room for them. I am fighting for myself, for once. While I am working on making those around me understand this; that until I feel I have fully healed, recovered and have reached a point where my love for MYSELF is so solid and non wavering, I cannot give them more than I have. I cannot give while my cup is empty.

Current focus: Nurturing my immediate family. They deserve me the most. They have been there, in their own special way.

 

Love and Laughter!

XO

Back on the gram

So last week I went back online, on insta. I think I sat with a selfie for a good day, trying to think of a caption. And I wanted to make it about my hair, I am so in love with it!!! But I didn’t, I let it speak for itself.

 

This made me nervous. Really really anxious. I cannot tell you why. I love the photo, I love the person in it. Why was I nervous? I tried telling people this, one didn’t care and asked me what I’m scared of and added something like how I shouldn’t let a platform have so much power over me, I know she meant well – but this wasn’t what I wanted to hear, maybe needed to hear, but definitely not WANTED. The other mocked me and called me “Mzwakhe Mbuli” because my captions tend to be loooooooong and so over dramatized. LOL. I received this one a little better.
The reception was great. From the very people I missed while I was off. It’s amazing how powerful these relationships we make with strangers online is.

I am a loner. I have always been. I have trust issues, purely from poor experiences with people in the past. I have been an intensely naive person, from the earliest of stages in my life. And this has gotten me burnt, literally – I was once burned by a cup of boiling tea when I was about 10, which til this day I don’t know whether it was accidental or intentional. A story for another day. I will title it – “accident prone”

Having been such a loner and private child, I learnt to befriend books and TV. I made a few imaginary friends, but they were all in me and I acted them out so my friends were never outside of me. One of the reasons I have always wanted to be an actor, there are so many people inside me LOL – I am not clinically insane – FYI. My friends were my family and books. I was an academic and enjoyed the attention I got at school for this. So I never was lonely.

My sister, sometimes I blame her for everything, is the person who brought mxit home. I did not know of this world. Where everyone was connected online and there were chat-rooms. I still blame her for introducing me to people who managed to crawl under my skin and leave me with the most biter of tastes in my mouth! Now Now Censh, calm down, you survived, you are well, you are kind and you blessed.

So, she introduced both Mama and I and we were hooked. It progressed to other platforms and was a spiral (I will let you decide what kind) from there on. As the years went by, I discovered MySpace, Facebook and by then it was too late. I had made “friends” who followed me everywhere. It seemed like everyone knew everyone and this once shy and reserved child knew and was known by everyone. I met people like me, there were not a lot like me where I come from. I was always different and these platforms allowed to to express and tap into all these things that were hidden or just not common. I was happy. I felt free. I felt understood and supported. Until no one had my back when I needed them the most. {insert fake LOL here} Life will never be the same.

I’ve been back a week and already can spot the things that made me leave in the first place, but I must mention that things that made me go back outweigh those that made me want out. And that’s a good thing. In my eyes. I have formed some really nourishing relationships with strangers on this platform. I am appreciative of their existence in my cyber life and I am extra grateful that our paths crossed. I will continue to nurture and nourish these relationships as well as they have done to and with me.

I won’t be as active. I’m busy with round 2 of this semester’s assignments and prepping for my finals. Also, I want to work on spending more time here. This space feels genuine.
Most of the people who read my posts have good intentions for me… I said MOST. I am naive nomore. {flex bicep here}

Shout out to Malebo, Monni and Lola (she probably hasn’t in a while) for mentioning that they’ve read these posts and liked them.  And mostly Zinzi, she doesn’t have a choice really, I send her my link whenever I post something and force her to read. She’s my friend. I can get away with it. {insert the biggest grin here}

Love and Laughter!

XO

 

 

Happy New Year Clicky

It’s your birthday today. I miss you so much. There is so much I want to tell you.
You always called birthdays new years. You’ve been gone for 6 whole months.
I made the lover say happy birthday Clicky this morning. LOL. Yes, lover… they way you are missing out Malume. I have stories for days. I have free minutes for days. Minutes that belonged to you. I don’t know anything about the after life, but I wish it’s everything  you ever hoped it would be. I hope you are really chilling out and maxing out with my Themba. I hope you are at peace. I’ve had dreams of you, Friona does too. I miss you. So very much. And every time I do, it is always selfish. It is always the way you were there for ME. The way you wanted ME to win. MAN!!!! So much love. You are a strong personality. And before I burst into a fresh set of tears, this is how I want to remember you…

You won at this life thing.

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being my friend.

Water.

I randomly started a conversation on water. Isn’t that how all conversations start? randomly… oh well.

I think this was subconsciously brought on by someone’s comment. They said I have a thing for sea creatures. I didn’t know if this is true or not, I still don’t. I just know that I love mermaids and water. I dream of talking under water. This image gives me so much life…

And yes, I blame the post I re-blogged previously too. There is so much power and truth in that post. Please read it, really read it.
The conversation took a turn to childhood trauma between myself and a friend. No it didn’t happen at the same time. But both incidents involved water slides. My friend, and I quote: “when i got out the water. smh. so embarrassing my costume was now around my waist. i dunno wtf happened between the slide and drowning that attempted taking off my costume” I laughed at this. Poor poor baby!
Mine was a kid who “fell” on me from a water slide. Our heads found each other and left me with a bump. I don’t know how long I was under water, but that experience made me swear to never ever be under water. LOL! But my subconscious doesn’t care about trauma. I am a mermaid and that’s that.
I’d love to bring my children into this world through water births {insert prayer to partner here}.
I’d love to go to the beach, it has been too long. The hustle and bustle of the city isn’t going anywhere {insert prayer to universe here}

It’s so funny, I don’t remember being fond of water – apart from drinking litres on litres of it daily. Yes I always stay in the pool extra long. By myself. Never with people, I don’t want to be pushed in. Yes yes, Paranoia is real. But I just don’t recall being so in love with water. I’ve always had the dreams. At one time, I was shopping under water. WHAT A FEELING!!!

Maybe we will get over this trauma. One day, Some day. Until then, I will have these dreams…

This Lemonade Tastes Like Medicine

The Sweetest Medicine.

Community. Culture. Care.

When I first watched Lemonade I was like “is Bey really doing what I think she’s doing? What’s happening?!” I doubted myself because I had had my edges snatched and obviously was in shock and hallucinating.

So I watched again, with a semblence of calm. My sangoma eyes were seeing things in the videos and I don’t think they were simply visual references.

All this water, black womyn, choice of colours, drum beat and bass…it reminded me of something I know very well – sacred, feminine spiritual practice. Ah! Bey! Just like that? YAAAS! Slay us and bring us back to life!

Last night I woke alliancepartner up at like 02:00 because I finally joined the dots. Lemonade is saying exactly what I need it to say to me right now. As a young healer, I draw strength and affirmation from the work of my ancestors recognised and so beautifully…

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Ain’t it fun?

Happy song by Paramore with a “boohoo” undertone.

SO. You are all grown. In the big bad world. With no one to save you. You sad?
Tough!
Deal with it.

We all have different backgrounds. Some of us were smothered with so much love and attention. And you grow up thinking this is what love and the world is. Over protective. Affectionate. And always together. Until you meet those independent children. Children deprived of all of this. Children who have their own idea of love and “family”. You sit around in groups and circles and find out that there are people who didn’t know affection until their very first physical and intimate encounters. Or that to them,community means people beaming up and being happy to see you only because you can do something for them. Or even, being okay with buying people’s time and affection. And they in turn become parents with the same values and love “style”. Imagine a world with adults who were neglected children? Who either become smothering parents or like their own parents. But this is not on parenting. At least not yet.

Where was I? Ah, different backgrounds. Yes. I suppose that’s what makes us all so interesting.

So what are you going to do when the world don’t orbit around you?
Coz… where you’re from, they know you. They know when you’re mad and hurt. Heck they care when you are!!! But out here, everyone is fighting their own war. This is about being on your own, regardless of what you know or have known. This is about being thrown in at the deep end and being told to SWIM! No, not stay along the edges. But to swim to the other end. To make it. To survive while living. And guess what? There is no lifeline being thrown at you. No one is coming to save you. And you shouldn’t really expect them to. I mean, they have their own shit going on. Right? I don’t know. I kinda thought that that’s what community is. Being there. For others. And having them be there for you too. That maybe if I shared all this love that I got, with people who don’t even know what it looks like, that I could save the world. Or at least A WORLD. But, they have to be ready to receive it and to be saved. 🙂

I’d like to talk about parenting one day. Maybe when i’m a parent? Or maybe when I feel like blaming my mother for the way I turned out. LOL!!! And if make it about her it will be about the bubble she kept me in… the bubble without any trouble!

Ain’t it fun?!

***dances away singing “don’t go crying to your mama coz you’re on your own in the real world”***

Jhene Aiko

This woman’s music is the truth. She feeds my soul with beauty. I love her. I don’t tire from her songs. This is one of my favorites. They are all my favorite by the way. I will post more.  

Whoever you are. Wherever you are. Whatever you’re going through, trust that it will pass. This is for you. 

W.A.Y.S.
At forty-four minutes to four

An angel walked up to my door

Opened the windows to my soul

Told me he thinks that I should know

That there’s no slowing down

As the globe spins ’round and ’round

You gotta keep going, gotta keep going

Gotta keep going, you gotta keep going

Gotta keep going, you gotta keep going

You gotta keep going, you gotta keep going

You gotta keep going
If there’s one thing that I learned

While in those county lines

It’s that everything takes time

You have gotta lose your pride

You have gotta lose your mind

Just to find your peace of mind

You have got to trust the signs

Everything will turn out fine
So why aren’t you smiling? Why aren’t you smiling?

Life can get wild when, you caught in the whirl wind

Lost in the whirl wind, you’re chasing the wind

You gotta understand

There’s really no end, there’s really no beginning

There’s really no real, there’s really no pretending

There’s really no fail, there’s really no winning

Cause nothing really is and everything really isn’t
At forty-four minutes to four

An angel walked up to my door

Opened the windows to my soul

Told me he thinks that I should know

That life only gets harder but you gotta get stronger

This is for my brother, I do this for my daughter

That’s why I keep going, that’s why I keep going

That’s why I keep going

That’s why I keep going, I gotta keep going

I gotta keep going, I gotta keep going

I gotta keep going, gotta keep going

Gotta keep going
I gotta show them, that I can keep going

I gotta keep going, I gotta keep going

I gotta keep going
Why aren’t you smiling? Why aren’t you smiling?

Life can get wild when, you caught in the whirl wind

Lost in the whirl wind, you’re chasing the wind

You gotta understand

There’s really no end, there’s really no beginning

There’s really no real, there’s really no pretending

There’s really no fail, there’s really no winning

Cause nothing really is and everything really isn’t

That’s why I keep going

Actions and reactions.

So. I find it odd that people see and appreciate, maybe appreciate is not the right word to use here. Process. Yes, that feels better. I find it odd that people see and process things differently. Like rudeness. Or ill mannerism. A very new and raw example is this: a group of friends and their partners each have to deal with the same thing and it is received differently. The friends, who all know each other very well, decide to hang out. And this decision is communicated to their partners, who are joining them too… At the eleventh hour. Just sprung on them. The partners are ALL unimpressed by this. And each one reacts differently. The one asks their partner “but why didn’t you tell me?” “When will you learn me?” “I don’t like sudden things!” And gets this response: “I didn’t fucking know!” In all its glowing insensitivity. So the asker is upset over this. Over the response and lack of understanding and pure “fuck outter here with your feelings”. Moving on. This upsetness is experienced by the other friends. Fast forward. The partner to the host, which in turns makes them the host too, is upset by not being told in advance. Too. To such an extent that when the guests, the friends and partners, arrive they do not come to the door to meet them or greet them and welcome them. They stayed in their room until they felt comfortable enough to brave the crowd. 
The friends have the same conversation that the partners have too. About not being informed about the impromptu gathering. 

The conclusion: the one who’s upsetness was experienced is worse than the one who got to hide away. 
MY conclusion: Fucked up. Allow people to react. And instead of thinking they’re reacting to the situation, consider that it may just be about YOUR reaction to their reaction. 

Day 2 after leaving the gram

Hi, My name is InkingThinking and I am addicted to Instagram 😦

This is all so tricky. Goodness. How do I stop checking Instagram? I’ve even resorted to logging myself out of the app. Because the constant and unconscious scrolling and needing to like is tormenting me.
Yesterday was so much easier. I was busy all day and got to cast my vote in my country’s municipal elections. YAY!!! I’m saving that for tomorrow’s blog entry. I took photos.

For now. We mission on. :'[

How I committed to staying off Instagram.

I do a lot of crazy stuff. Okay maybe I’ve gotten better at fucking up. Wait, that doesn’t make much sense. Doesn’t it mean that I am fucking up more? Like, a better fuck upper or fucker up? My head’s spinning!!!

So I have gone and posted that I am taking a break from Instagram (MY BELOVED) {insert theatrics and shit here} and have left my followers, all 4 of them. LOL. I kid. I have some really loyal people on there. People who like even the most random of posts. And I post EVERYDAY. Okay maybe not so much over the weekend because I’m either sleeping, snogging or just not in the mood. I think that’s when I live. LOL.
But now I announced this which adds even more pressure coz I like, “legit” (I’m tryna sound hip) cannot go back on my word. So I have to stick to it. I have to not be on there. Posting shit. And liking shit. Which I do a lot. I like liking. And it never means more than that to me. It means I like your stuff. To ME it is “hey, I saw this post, I am acknowledging it and here is proof” And when I really really really love it, I will leave a comment. I’m going to miss that. I am going to miss my little community. As warped and deranged as that sounds. I am going to miss that little life. With everyone that I know is checking up/ in on me instead of picking up the phone and calling me. With everyone that never likes or comments OR EVEN FOLLOW (yes, that is really a thing and I have decided to call them ghost followers. I said this first OKAY!!!!) but can give me a rundown on my daily posts LOL!

My page was started from scratch.With minimal migration from my Facebook days and failed twitter life LOL!!!!! I promise, I had like 200+ twitter followers. It was ridiculous. Maybe one day I’ll try again. I hated talking to myself publicly – okay not so much when I was drunk and watching soppy films. hahahahah!!!
Insta has made it to 700+ and that’s pretty cool. I know I lost all the followers I had gained from my lingerie shoot. LOL! They found out that there is actually more depth to me. And that I like my clothes on. 😛

I really appreciate the few friends I have made and met on Instagram. The laughs and appreciation I received for my posts. The outlet it has been. Social media is a great platform. It is powerful and influential. It can open up a whole new world. Which it has for a loner such as myself.
I’d like my pages everywhere to leave a mark. To have an impact. On someone. If not everyone. Talk about ambition. I am a marketing student. It’s time I focused, I might learn a thing or two on promoting myself and my beliefs. LOL – thank you, thank you. That was my acceptance speech for the everything award.

I’m really going to miss Instagram. I’m going to be such a pest to my people. My poor poor lover!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😦

The truth is, I have lived a pretty open life. Open in the sense that I know a lot of people – yes, there was a time I used to love people a lot – and in the short space of time they’ve known me, they have experienced a lot of shit go down in my life. Stuff I would rather they didn’t see or know about me. I’ve been honest and very forthcoming about my struggles. And the world just wasn’t ready for that. It’s amazing how it is now only that people are “woke” to the okayness of not being okay. How everyone wants to share their deepest and darkest stories without being judged because it is “okay” and “hip” to do so. LOL this is already another post. And I digress!
I have been so caught up with being okay and making sure that it is obvious that the second I find myself having a moment of letting myself feel whatever is happening, I feel the need to snap out of it lest I be seen as that same old kid who “loves being sad” and being forced to unlearn everything I am and dishonouring my true-self for the sake of likes (in this case, being deemed cool). The reality is, I don’t want to be a robot. I am a feeler. And cannot apologize for that. I will not.

I am at a really good place.Probably the best I have known since my early teens. I am happy. I am free. I am light. I am in love. I am making love. I am getting the degree I’ve wanted for the longest time. And I do not want to cheapen the experience by trying to find photos that represent it. I have the words. But InstaGlam is not ready for this. So I shall type it all up here.

And now to finish this post off. With another commitment. hehehehehe… I am on a roll.
4 Blogs a week! #LETSGO
This is post #1