I failed…

I failed…

to please you and be your friend.

I failed…

to please you and be your child.

I failed…

to please you and be your girlfriend.

I failed…

to please you and be your grandchild

I failed…

to please you and be your sister.

 

You went and stabbed me in the back and twisted the knife even, again and again as you smilled. I let you get away with it coz i was TRYING TO BE YOUR FRIEND.

You called me names, beat me up, humiliated me in front of people who looked up to me. You belittled me, you cursed me daily. You reminded me of all my past failures. You scarred me for life. I let you get away with it coz i was TRYING TO BE YOUR CHILD.

You cheated on me. You touched someone else in a way i thought was meant for me only. You made me believe i was your queen until you f*#¤d both my bestfriends. So much for a support system. I let you get away with it coz i was TRYING TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

You were my favourite person in the whole world. You held me up and never let me fall. You were my centre, but you turned your back on me when i told you i’m gay. I let you get away with it coz i was TRYING TO BE YOUR GRANDCHILD.

You said i was a bad example. You said i was a murder. You disowned me. I let you get away with it coz i was TRYING TO BE YOUR SISTER.

 

I failed to live and be good, so i try to die… The rope i hung from snaps and im left in pain! The blade goes blunt as i cut through my skin. My blood thickens just when i think i’ve succeeded. I start throwing up when the 30painkillers i took reach my stomach. I fall asleep with the gun to my head. She walks in just when the water fills my lungs…

Can’t live, can’t die. I hate me coz

I F.A.I.L.E.D!

 

Another letter to Sophie

Your big brown eyes… Your soft pale skin… A lil girl with such a big, caring heart! So compassionate and free spirited. I know what you’re going through. I heard you scream. I saw the bruises. I felt the pain. I hate him more than you do. I didn’t tell anyone. Who would believe an 8year old girl??? The pain you went through, the hurt you felt, the tears you cried… I know it all! Im just a kid they say. Damn them! I will find you and i will hold you… Before i die. I love you Sophie.

 

SKIN…

Dark… black. Ebony….
Call it what you want.
All it has brought me is agony!

It moves with me… its a part of me.
I feel myself trying to creep out of it!
Why am i trapped in it???

“put yourself in her shoes” you say
How about put yourself in her skin i say???
The very skin that bleeds when hurt
The very skin that tells a story…
My story…
My skin…

 

Letters to my late brother #3

Dear Esperança

I miss you so much today.
More than ever… i am feeling so much right now. All good though.
I feel happy… I don’t care if its temporary or short lived.

You have taught me to hold on right now… live for right now and just get lost in the here and now. When you left you left with a part of me that thinks about tomorrow or what will come next. Losing you has been an eye opener. Now i know that love doesn’t come in a wrapped gift with a ribbon on it. It doesn’t come and say “Hi, i’m love”
So i will hold on and grasp with both my hands and feet… and never let go till its just not there.

These letters are to try and help me get over you. To try and stop wishing that MAYBE you’d come back to me. MAYBE if i held on much longer you’d be with me again. MAYBE if i cry all the time, i’d have you back in my life like before. Time to let go, stop being like Peter Pan.

Wow… and i thought i was an angry person. Turns out you were a great experience.
Must go back to my world now, before it gets too cold.

Wishing you didn’t run away from this love i have.

much love
xxx

 

Letters to my late brother #2

Dear Esperança

Where are you when i need you the most?
You hardly write back, the only connection i feel is missing you. Have you forgotten about me? Are the girls there that pretty that you forget me?

There are times when i want to hate you for making me miss you so bad, aaaah i could just bite you when i feel that way. You’re in every bad thing i do.. nothing good. I can never be like you. I refuse. Loving you doesn’t mean i have to bow down to your command, dance to your tune and live up to your expectations… now that you’re away.

You must really think i’m pathetic… i mean here am i holding onto false hope, wishing you’d come back to me. Come back and let us live the life we once had.
Do you not know the damage you have left in me???? I can’t love the way i should. I’m too clingy… too emotional. I love wholeheartedly, blindly and recklessly. Is that what you really want for me? Do you know how many people are just waiting to take advantage of broken girls???

I’m not asking you to come back to me or to love me again, just let me know you care. Help me let you go. I don’t wanna be this way….

Till next time…

much love
xxx

 

Letters to my late brother

Dear Esperança

I think I’ve held on far too long and waited for you. It’s now become so clear that you’re never going to come back to me. I can’t say i don’t miss you, that would be a lie.
I think of you today and everyday… all the times we spent together… all the things we learnt and went through together. It was just me and you. Centia stood tall under your wing boy! You completed me in all ways imaginable.
I’m still not over you.

Loving has become so hard since you’ve been gone. Feeling has become a pain since you’ve been gone. I can’t even think right without your input. I make decisions that could kill me.

Its been years now without you… feels like only a month. I find myself waiting to see you walk through the door and say my name. Centia, no one says it like you do.

Your mother misses you. I know she does, life can never be the same without you. They all think i’m a rebel… lol lil do they know, i just want to be loved, protected and understood. I’ve been dating…. lol it sucks yeah. I always mess up somehow.

For 4 years after you left i hated men with a PASSION, shame they suffer coz no man can ever fil, or even try to, the void you have left open. Oh gosh then there are the women… lol now that’s really funny coz i’ve been told i don’t have taste. What you think???? lol I’ve gone blind after you…

I’ll write again my love. I miss you

much love

We are living in a world that’s totally oblivious

I see people walking around like they have sticks up somewhere as if they own the earth.

What happens to all that when you’re gone? Do you ever think of how much time you waste when you’re trying to be someone you’re not? You actually lose all the time that you can spend being yourself.

You have one life, one body and one opportunity to live it to the full. A line in a song “I work at pleasing me coz I can’t please you and that’s why I do what I do”

Life may be the longest thing you know on this earth, it is still very short-lived.

Yes it is unfair that we’re thrown in at the deep end; the child born into this world and dumped like trash, the man who is turned down at an interview, the woman whose heart is broken by her lifetime lover. Who said it would be easy?

Today’s mistakes don’t guarantee a better tomorrow, but at least you have had the opportunity to know that you are greater and stronger than anything you could have ever imagined. Understanding that this is a war you’re meant to fight, equips you. Fight the good fight.  Love like it’s going out of fashion. Live like tomorrow is your distinct gateway to paradise. Give what you want to get. Make choices that are best for you, be selfish about your happiness- You never know when it will run out. Smile through the pain, not only does it keep you grounded but it teaches you how to keep going. Be all that you want to be.  Get caught. Allow yourself to feel all emotions. Weep if you must. And then get up and start again, only this time things are different, you know what not to and what to do. There is nothing new about any day, it’s all a cycle and we’re taking turns going through what someone else has already gone through.

Ska njudger: don’t judge me.

My line- Plain and simple, please don’t tag me, don’t label me and don’t think you know me to the extent that I have to conform to your idea of and about me. Okay, enough about me.

Friends, these are people we think we need. I have trust issues; maybe I shouldn’t even be on this topic. Okay maybe I will.

Friends, what are they? You do your best at all times to be good to them and be a shoulder for them, comfort them and love them the best way you know how, why? Simply, because you we are born with that bone. Well!? flip that, if I’m going to make mistakes, I’m going to make them carefully. I will trust those who trust me. I am sipping on a bottomless glass of self worth lately, learning to say no if its not worth it. I’ll get there someday.

Relationships? Maybe next time!!

Kisses