Mine.

“you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love…” – Warsan Shire

This has been ringing in my head for a while now.

I want something to call my own.
I want something that is all mine.
I want something that I never have to worry about losing.
I want something that can never be taken from me.
I want something permanent.

I’ve never had anything that is any of those things.
And this might be why I want it all so bad.
No one wants to lose. No one wants things that can be taken away no matter how much one fights to keep them.
Fighting – another thing, I feel it’s all fair and well to fight for what you want.
I’m just not for losing oneself in the process. I will fight for what wants me, just to make that clear.

I’m at a point in my life where I believe that anything meant for me will always find its way to me. The soldier in me still wants to fight and hold on, but the warrior always snaps me back to reality and reminds me to surrender and LET GO OF THAT WHICH DOES NOT SERVE ME; Worry, stress and panic and all that negative shit.

But still…

I want something that is all mine.

 

It all gets better with time.

I’ve always thought it ridiculous to say time heals all wounds.
I mean, what is it that time can do to heal and make things better?
Time is just that thing that passes. Right?
That thing that we measure our existence with. Right?

I don’t know.

Here’s what I do know. I know that we are not immune to pain. I know that acting strong while you are breaking inside does no one any good. I know that everyone should grieve and heal as best as they know how. I know that with time comes better lessons.
I know that with age, we are able to deal with things and handle things better.

I was 11 when I lost my older brother.It was sudden and it has taken me almost all my life to come to terms with. But guess what has helped me to heal? Time. That thing that passes. That thing that keeps on moving forward and never ever stops not for your pain or even your joy.

With every passing moment you come to terms with the reality of things.
You find comfort in the permanency of it all. How once a loved one passes on, you will never see them again. You understand the importance of being true about your feelings with and to those you care about the most. You heal at your own pace.

I lost a dear friend a week ago. I feel that this will be the easiest loss I will ever had to deal with. Not because she was not blood- but simply because she gave me time. She gave me her time. I got to make sure she knows exactly how I feel about her. She knew me as an adult. As an adult who is very vocal. I love her and she knows it. I hadn’t had a proper conversation with her in a few weeks and that will forever hurt. I will always kick myself for not squashing our tiff quicker – as I had done a million times before.

I will miss her. But I know I am already healing. I understand things better now. I think she got the best love I could give to a friend. And that’s where my comfort lies.

I’ll explain this process next time.

But for now… I am at peace with my friend’s passing. And I know she appreciates that.