GROWN ASS WOMAN

I copied this from  Sam’s Blog because everyone needs to see it.

“Surprisingly Age Appropriate”

There’s something about it. Something about that type of independence and confidence. The kind that only comes with experience. The kind that only comes with time and having fought your own battles. Something about being resourceful and working for what you want. Being kind cause you’re too busy minding your own. And only time can teach you that. Something magnetic about a Grown Ass Woman.

Betting to yourself that she knows exactly what she wants. Bet she wouldn’t be afraid to tell you either. No games or wondering. She doesn’t throw her time away. She takes care of herself so she can take care of others, not so she can advertise. A lady is still a lady even if she’s down to be silly, get dirty and not worry about her fucking makeup, hair or some bullshit pair of shoes. She’s too sure of her worth to give a shit about taking other women down. She knows what she needs. She’s intelligently open about all of it. That’s maturity. Sexy as hell.

There’s more to it than assuredness and responsibility. More to it than taking care of your family. And more to it than having earned your own shit. A hell of a lot more.

I don’t need to hear that you’re an asskicker or some sort of rebel. Don’t care. Cause I’ll see it and hear it in your words. Over time. That you’ve challenged yourself. You’ve failed. You’ve succeeded. You’ve loved, been burnt and done the burning. You’ve wanted, been wanted and been rejected. You trusted, you took those leaps of faith. You fell. You rose up. Through lean and plush times you learned who you are. What you’re capable of. And what you aren’t. And you own every fucking bit of it. The world was never out to get you. No fault to be placed.

There’s a true story and history to a Real Woman.

It’s knowing your value and your shortcomings. Respecting your body. You’ve learned to accept yourself so you can accept others right where they are. Your energy is spent bettering yourself, not trying to bend everyone else to your whims. You invest in heart, not what someone can do for you. That’s maturity. And you’ve got too much going for yourself to play it any other way.

I wish the Y, and Post-Millenial Z boys all my best. I’ve got it good up here with grown ass ladies. And I’m a better man for my friendship with each and every one. Decidedly not fucking around with anything less in any part of my life.

I want it so bad!!

So…
I’m a really good diagnose-r, especially of the self. I have only just recently been able to apply it to others, close people of course.
But I’ve gotten very good at pointing out and actually naming what’s “wrong” with me. Remedies and cures are still in the pipeline.
Diagnosing my loved ones and helping them articulate what they are feeling and experiencing has been an interesting ride. I have found that it in turn helps harness how I deal with myself too.

I am more of practical than theoretical. I can read and be told a million things but until I experience them first hand, I won’t believe them. This is perhaps why it took me years to finally pick up a  “self help” book. Because I knew those words would be just that, words. They wouldn’t translate to messages or lessons. Here is where I’m going with this. I have read and listened to many motivational and encouraging books and podcasts and have been hooked on positivity and the REAL application of it in my life. This happened only because things started making sense.

A while ago, I learnt the art of detaching. Removing myself completely from a situation and standing firm in the belief that what is meant for me will NEVER miss me. I believe this with all my might. I have seen it work. And I have shared it with my people. They have bought into it. Now, because this shit (life) gets tricky sometimes; I am in a position where I want something really REALLY bad and I know how significantly detaching would serve me. But I want this so bad. So So SO MUCH!!! I don’t know how to sit in the passenger seat this one time and let what happens happen. I’m out here trying to find glitches and loopholes in the universe just to let me hold on to this and see it come true. Without losing myself in its uncertainty and have it consume me only to spit me out because it wasn’t meant to be.

I think I just reminded myself of it’s power in that last sentence. I’ll let it rest.
I’ll leave it out there. Even thought I know… I want it so bad!

❤

The Universal Energy Doesn’t Lie

So…

My beautiful friends always humour me and engage me on the stuff I blog about.
I always enjoy the interaction and emotions I invoke from them.
Some receive this as clear as I intend – moments I cherish!

The situationship conversation has been one of my favourites. I read and reread and feel like I didn’t write it. I couldn’t have. Me? Professional mistake maker?! HA!!!
So, whoever it is that I channel and wherever it is that I go to… is welcome. All of it. May it stay!

My love for strangers is one I will NEVER give up.
My latest regular fix has been uber drivers. They make my days **insert young thug tear here**
On my in to work this morning, I got into my usual “deep” convos and the driver (as always) was more than willing to engage. Fully.
This one in particular had me feeling like “dude are you like stalking me or something? you read my blog don’t you”

Our conversation was mostly about how one should never ever listen to nay-sayers. Especially if what they are saying no to is YOUR life and YOUR future etc. We discussed the importance of knowing what you want and going for it… because no matter how many sticky notes and wishes you can have up in your room (i’m this girl HA!) things don’t fall out of the sky anymore, Manna is history. Literally.
You have to be deliberate and put in the work. Because luck is when preparation meets opportunity… Right?

We went in!!!! And my soul was on fire and I was like yasssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It went to church real quick.

As the trip drew to a close. He said “young lady… I like the way you think. Please do me this one favour: make sure whoever you date, is on your level. Make sure they want the same things. I would hate for all this fire to be met by a stream of water that will wash it down. Burn baby burn”

I mean?!!!

Signed,
A soul on fire
❤

Suss out the Fluff.

SO!!!! We made it into two thousand and seventeen. Woooo hooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last year was tricky and messy AF. It gave me everything I’ve ever wanted and took everything I’ve ever had. Paradoxical much?

Because I am a present student of this thing called life, 2016 didn’t go by without any lessons. Yes, I will admit that I learnt some eagerly and will also need to relearn others.
I wasn’t ready. So I know I missed a few. And our good ol’ universe is ever so ready to repeat these until I finally get it. HA!!!!

I cried so much. The most I have ever. It’s the funniest thing ever. Because I experienced the joy I had been longing for. So why the tears? I have simply come to accept that I either hurt others (for hurting me or whatever) or I cry it all out.

I took the plunge and went back to school. LOL. Such torture that was. The balancing thereof with work, a full time relationship and life happening at a million WTFs per second. I made it out alive. Now to brave second year!

My divorce, that I hardly spoke about, was finalized. I thought I’d be happier and lighter. LOL. It’s the same shit, just legal. It had fizzled out a long time ago. I still want to get sloshed in the name of my decree LOL. Like they do it in the movies! I’m glad that’s done.

I said the following to a lady Uber driver (I was elated when I discovered I got a lady driver for once!!!!!!!!!!!)  on my way back from the court:

We can have every single thing we’ve ever wanted in life and still be miserable. Only if we don’t remember to look at them. Notice them. Celebrate them. Be grateful that despite the world bruising and and hurting, we have all of this.

I moved myself when I said this. Hahahaha!!! She was also taken aback. Such a sweet mama. I wish to ride with her again sometime in the future.

I learnt that I actually have the healthiest relationship with myself more than any other human or thing. I don’t know how I feel about being old, alone, wearing flowy dresses, a house full of crystals and spice&insense smelly hair. OMG I sound like my father’s aunt. ***if you’re reading this, save me. NOW***

Humans are fickle.
Humans are flawed.
I am flawed, but I understand and embrace my flaws – fully.
And maybe one day, as I try always, I will embrace the flaws of others. Dangerous territory, trust me, I know. I have the scars. But I will soldier on.

And in the meantime, I will continue to be nice to myself. As best as I can. I mean, I know my love language best after all. Haha!
I will continue to give myself all the apologies I need.
I will continue to be soft, gentle and real with and to myself. I need it.

So. Here is to more of the good and less (please God let there be none) of the not so good.
Here is to sussing out the fluff!!!

Happy New Year everyone.

❤

TWENTY EIGHT

So… I turned a year older yesterday. Whooopie!!!!!!!

I vlogged about how I feel and actually surprised myself at what I had to say.
I mentioned the things I am grateful for. One of them was the opportunity to be me. How crazy? Well, I am crazy aren’t I? But on the real, I am so happy that I was chosen to be ME!!!

Sure, it would’ve been nice to be some rich famous person like Kim K. LOL!!!!
But I am not. And that’s okay with me. I am me and I am the best version of me.
I love where I’ve been. I love where I’m going. And I’m learning to love and appreciate how I’ll get there. I get so teary eyed when I go through my list of things I am grateful for. I’m overwhelmed by the grace and mercy I’m given. It could all end at any second, but while I still have it, I am going to hold on tight!

I had a lovely and chilled out day with the love of my life. Someone I want to talk about all day and all night. But also want to protect. It’s crazy. But let me leave this here, I think the sun shines out her rear… she thinks so too. LOL.
I swear I’ve loved this human for a thousands years. I wish all of you meet and get to love someone as deeply as I do her. And yesterday, she went out of her way to make me feel special and it worked. I felt like the sun sets in my rear LMAO – this is getting nasty!!!

Back to gratitude and being 28… I get to do more. Live a little more. Isn’t it great? I get to do more of what I like. I get to be Me. I think I’ve run out of words now, an absolute first. Is this what growing older means? LOL!!!

Signed,
Older, grateful and wiser
❤

 

I won’t make you pay for their sins

 

That’s all.

❤

 

 

Blue Dream

My addiction. Love. Bet you didn’t know it was a drug.
Well… I will take the honor of being the first to break it to you. 🙂

Addiction: the state of being; infatuated with, obsessed with, in love with, devoted to something, but in my case – someone.

Infatuated.

We were coastin’ on the coast when you opened my eyes
Made me notice where the ocean was holding the sky, right.
I was blinded, your smile shining behind those green eyes
The horizon so enticing, please, say you’ll be mine

Obsessed.

Don’t wake me up cause I’m in love with all that you are
You make me see the truth in things, I think that you are
The remedy for everything it seems that you are
The truth itself ’cause nothing else can take me so far

In love.

My afternoon dream when
The world is speedin’
I am still sleepin’
In my blue dream and
I know the meaning
For all the seasons
You are the reason,
My love

Devoted.

My mind is open
So wide since you came inside
I feel so alive
Without you life just passes by, passes by, passes by

Please, please, don’t wake me up.

My afternoon dream when
The world is sleeping
I am still thinking
Of my blue dream
It’s bliss..

– Jhene and I ❤

 

Finding Happy

I have so much happy in me. All the time. I want to share it. With everyone. So much so that I keep to myself when I feel my happy slip away. And when it slips, I cry to and for it. Dear happy, please stay.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
– E. E Cummings

So  I have been having an interesting week. Interesting was not my first choice, but for the sake of all things light, interesting will do. It’s Thursday. I am experiencing so many different emotions all at once, none of them sound and feel like my happy. I want my happy. I need my happy. The essence of me is happy, I believe this with all my might!

Monday. So fucken tricky. The lunch I packed isn’t doing anything for me. I’m not hungry. Turn the volume of the sound of my happy way up. So high that anything that doesn’t share the sentiment of happy just cannot come in. It worked. I made it to Tuesday.

 

Tuesday. I cut the side of my lip on Monday, I don’t know how. It burns. I have hot chicken and spinach for lunch. It fucken burns. The day ends. I’m vibing with the lover. Our vibration is so high. I feel like this…

Wednesday. I get the results from the last assignments I submitted. I did so well. I am doing so well. I really want this degree, I am so happy. This feels right. This is a big deal. But maybe just for me. Someone sees it. One person sees it. They say: “Ma-ghel!!! ” this makes me smile.
Keep it moving. You’re doing great.
Your vibe with Friona is all the way up, this is beautiful. Notice the volume of happy turned all the way down, turn it up, it slips down, turn it up… taped it there. Tape doesn’t hold. Decision: fuck it. i’ll call another kind of happy…

Thursday. I pull out the brightest top I have, it should lift  me up. It doesn’t. I should pray. I want to pray. But what do I ask for? What do I want? I pray, I choke. All I hear is a mumbled whisper “I just want my happy”. I swallow a tear that never quite makes it to my tear ducts. I must do something. I buy myself a juicy chicken burger, chips and a fizzy drink and mute the “Believe in yourself Team” and the salads they are all sending photos of. I don’t care about healthy right now, I am chasing happy. I buy myself flowers. My heart claps.

My happy waves at me and mouths: “I am never in anyone else’s hands” 

If anyone is looking for me tell them to look out for the girl in the highlighter-coral top, with the large bouquet of flowers and a bulgy tummy filled with junk. A big smile on her face and a halo of happy around her burning soul.

 

“I’ve got you”

The three most powerful words after “I love you”

Okay maybe that’s just me. Those words, coming from a person you love and trust with your life, ARE EVERYTHING!!!!

Now, in a time of everything being “everything” please just trust that these words are really everything. Knowing that someone is on your team and wants you to win, everything. Knowing that you are not alone and should things not work out in any other part of your life, they’ve got you – everything. Knowing that someone has got your back through it all… every little thing!!!!!

I can live without a lot. I refuse to live without love.

Love and Laughter
XO

 

 

Back on the gram

So last week I went back online, on insta. I think I sat with a selfie for a good day, trying to think of a caption. And I wanted to make it about my hair, I am so in love with it!!! But I didn’t, I let it speak for itself.

 

This made me nervous. Really really anxious. I cannot tell you why. I love the photo, I love the person in it. Why was I nervous? I tried telling people this, one didn’t care and asked me what I’m scared of and added something like how I shouldn’t let a platform have so much power over me, I know she meant well – but this wasn’t what I wanted to hear, maybe needed to hear, but definitely not WANTED. The other mocked me and called me “Mzwakhe Mbuli” because my captions tend to be loooooooong and so over dramatized. LOL. I received this one a little better.
The reception was great. From the very people I missed while I was off. It’s amazing how powerful these relationships we make with strangers online is.

I am a loner. I have always been. I have trust issues, purely from poor experiences with people in the past. I have been an intensely naive person, from the earliest of stages in my life. And this has gotten me burnt, literally – I was once burned by a cup of boiling tea when I was about 10, which til this day I don’t know whether it was accidental or intentional. A story for another day. I will title it – “accident prone”

Having been such a loner and private child, I learnt to befriend books and TV. I made a few imaginary friends, but they were all in me and I acted them out so my friends were never outside of me. One of the reasons I have always wanted to be an actor, there are so many people inside me LOL – I am not clinically insane – FYI. My friends were my family and books. I was an academic and enjoyed the attention I got at school for this. So I never was lonely.

My sister, sometimes I blame her for everything, is the person who brought mxit home. I did not know of this world. Where everyone was connected online and there were chat-rooms. I still blame her for introducing me to people who managed to crawl under my skin and leave me with the most biter of tastes in my mouth! Now Now Censh, calm down, you survived, you are well, you are kind and you blessed.

So, she introduced both Mama and I and we were hooked. It progressed to other platforms and was a spiral (I will let you decide what kind) from there on. As the years went by, I discovered MySpace, Facebook and by then it was too late. I had made “friends” who followed me everywhere. It seemed like everyone knew everyone and this once shy and reserved child knew and was known by everyone. I met people like me, there were not a lot like me where I come from. I was always different and these platforms allowed to to express and tap into all these things that were hidden or just not common. I was happy. I felt free. I felt understood and supported. Until no one had my back when I needed them the most. {insert fake LOL here} Life will never be the same.

I’ve been back a week and already can spot the things that made me leave in the first place, but I must mention that things that made me go back outweigh those that made me want out. And that’s a good thing. In my eyes. I have formed some really nourishing relationships with strangers on this platform. I am appreciative of their existence in my cyber life and I am extra grateful that our paths crossed. I will continue to nurture and nourish these relationships as well as they have done to and with me.

I won’t be as active. I’m busy with round 2 of this semester’s assignments and prepping for my finals. Also, I want to work on spending more time here. This space feels genuine.
Most of the people who read my posts have good intentions for me… I said MOST. I am naive nomore. {flex bicep here}

Shout out to Malebo, Monni and Lola (she probably hasn’t in a while) for mentioning that they’ve read these posts and liked them.  And mostly Zinzi, she doesn’t have a choice really, I send her my link whenever I post something and force her to read. She’s my friend. I can get away with it. {insert the biggest grin here}

Love and Laughter!

XO