Exams are abusive

Yeah I said it. And you know it too.

Whenever something happens in my life that I feel is not pleasant, I always say “I did not sign up for this shit.” It’s my go to line. I heard myself say it in my head during one of my exams. In case you’re wondering how they were, I will go ahead and tell you. SHITTY. Shittest. Fucked up. Torturous. Not all of them, just those that I studied really hard for only to find that half the shit I was confident about didn’t even make it on to the damn paper.

I quickly remembered that I did sign up for this shit. Yes sir I did. I signed up and have the bills to prove it and weight loss and stress to go along with it. It’s all done now and I have to wait in agony for results I know are probably going to be just as shitty as the whole ordeal. I signed up for this shit. I signed up for it because I want to be stressed out for 3 years, I want to be tens of thousands of Rands broker. Because I am self sabotaging. I want to take on yet another challenge to boast about overcoming.  Because I want to have something to write about and complain about.

Okay. Enough drama. I need to find a better way of studying. For next year. And I hope, I really really really hope I didn’t flunk any and if I did, can I at least qualify for a sup {Lord Jesus, I never thought my life would ever come to this, me, Centia, talking about supping?! *SMH*} But yes, back to studying better or finding better ways. Can you believe I actually learnt new things during my exams??? ahahahahahahaha!!!!

I’m starting a study group. I’ve approached a few students and they are keen. Some are part time like myself and others are full time. I can’t be this person.
And now that I’ve seen where my weakness is, I can surely fix it. For now, I’m glad this shit is over. Dankie Modimo

Stressed out

So I am 27 and will be 28 in a month.
The last exam I sat down for was way back in 2006. The course had been such a breeze that I didn’t even feel the exam.

Fast forward… it’s 2016. I sit for my first exam for the semester tomorrow. The last semester of the year. It’s my favorite module. But I am freaking the fuck out. Like majorly. For all the tests I’m about to take. Maybe it has to do with the end of the year. I am anxious and a bundle of nerves. I want to do well. This feels like exams in high school, especially finals in grade 12. I would have bad dreams and hardly slept. My dreams ranged from me pitching to the exam room in pajamas and not being allowed to write because one of  rules is that you be there in full school uniform. In the other dream, the words are floating around on the pages. MY POOR YOUNG LIFE. I survived. I am here now.

These coming exams are stressing me out just as much. If not more. I just feel like too much is happening, like life is asking too much of me. Like everything wants a piece of me, a good piece of me. I am not dealing. I am not dumb. I know I’ll do well. But I want to do very well. I am too old to be messing around. This is MY money I am spending on this degree. It is my time. I need to prove to myself and anyone I will approach for a job in this field that I am serious.
I am not crazy about a piece of paper. I am in this for the long haul, I want the education. The knowledge. The skills. And ultimately the application thereof.

I’m still freaking out. I’m still a mess. I need a pill for all the theories floating around in my head. HELP. I’ve removed everything that’s a distraction on my phone. I am praying, meditating, studying and doing everything under the sun to get me through. But yoh, kyanyeka mfethu. (I can’t translate, it’s just got to do with shit and me doing it)

Can I just wake up with a degree, an established career, my dream cars, a house and married to my love and have a little one on the way.

Signed,
Stressed the fuck out.

*side note* This post would’ve actually make a good video/ vlog!