Relationshipically nyised!

Two thousand and eighteen. The year with many years in it. A whole WOW!!!

So in this one year alone I have managed to get myself in the same sticky situation too many times. I have managed to convince myself of things I would never ever have in any other situation. Ei, I screwed myself hard and the wrong way.

I’ve moved 6 times in this year alone. SIX TIMES!!! Half of the times were always back to a place I should’ve known was not for me the very first time I left. But because I need remedial lessons in the relationship department… LMFAO. And I truly and deeply believed that was my home. I went against all I know and always say about never making homes out of people’s hearts… and did just that. I made a home out of a heart, one I have loved so dearly and for the longest time.

I believe I know better now. Too much has happened, I have lost more than I have gained, and it is safe to say there is nothing there for me anymore. I believe this more than I can explain!

I went to find healing at the place I was hurt, redundant much?

It has all changed now, I feel like I have somewhat of a new life. A new lease of life. I’m on that new new and I like it a great deal! I won’t say too much lest I jinx the good flow! But all I know is…

I am so grateful for the kind of support I’ve had in the past couple of months. I feel lucky and loved. And it is these connections that have me convinced I am not as bad as this situation has made me feel over the years and that I truly am worthy of love, time and affection. And that my cup can be filled again!!!

THANK YOU 😊

 

 

Sugar in my bowl

I’ve just made myself a cup of tea. Raspberry flavored.
My office ran out of sugar and I had to borrow from my friend downstairs. I’ve always been fascinated with that word “borrow”. According to my knowledge, education and Google – of course – to borrow means: to take and use (something belonging to someone else) with the intention of returning it. How then do I intend on returning sugar I’ve already used?
Funny stuff really.

Still on borrowing. There is this idea of living on borrowed time. I am so aware of this, that sometimes I have to catch myself and re-wire my brain and shift from it. I understand that it is important to know this. That it helps us to be more present, to be more appreciative of time. I’m in no way arguing that this is not. I am however, weary of over exercising it. I find that with this constant knowledge and with it popping in at the times you feel the most alive and have a rush of life flowing through your veins!!!! you sort of leave that happy moment are reminded of how impermanent it all is. I also find that it is in those times that I remember, which turns into missing, those I have lost – permanently. I practice gratitude, on all levels. I practice it by always counting the blessings in every experience. Observing and applying the fundamentals of balance. How with every evil there’s good. And so on. So whenever the feeling of loss attempts to consume me – I say attempt because that’s all it can ever do really. It will NEVER consume me. It tried. It failed. My borrowed time doesn’t allow for such *insert fist in the air here* – I let it do its thing. I let myself be transported through the emotions associated with whatever loss it is that has come to me. I feel like I should make an example. So I will: the most recent is my friend, and that is always at the top of the list. Especially now, with all the changes happening in my life. My encounters with people. My mood swings. My euphoria. My challenges and triumphs. I always want to tell her. I want to pick up the phone and tell her “It is really happening. I can’t believe it. I am so happy. I am scared. I want it so bad. OMG OMG OMG” Yes, with all those theatrics, she got them. LOL!
How do I find the balance for this? I recall the great times. How I was afforded an opportunity to be understood on this level. How I HAD for sure, someone who accepted me just as I am. Someone who didn’t need to make up excuses for going hard for me.

I was borrowed time with her. And had to, in a sense, return her. 🙂
But for years, many years, I had Sugar in my bowl.

So, here is to not only understanding the impermanence of it all but to embracing it fully.
And to gratitude and the ability to recognize moments worthy thereof. Big or small.
And most of all, to being loved. Enough. Over and Over and Over again.
❤

It all gets better with time.

I’ve always thought it ridiculous to say time heals all wounds.
I mean, what is it that time can do to heal and make things better?
Time is just that thing that passes. Right?
That thing that we measure our existence with. Right?

I don’t know.

Here’s what I do know. I know that we are not immune to pain. I know that acting strong while you are breaking inside does no one any good. I know that everyone should grieve and heal as best as they know how. I know that with time comes better lessons.
I know that with age, we are able to deal with things and handle things better.

I was 11 when I lost my older brother.It was sudden and it has taken me almost all my life to come to terms with. But guess what has helped me to heal? Time. That thing that passes. That thing that keeps on moving forward and never ever stops not for your pain or even your joy.

With every passing moment you come to terms with the reality of things.
You find comfort in the permanency of it all. How once a loved one passes on, you will never see them again. You understand the importance of being true about your feelings with and to those you care about the most. You heal at your own pace.

I lost a dear friend a week ago. I feel that this will be the easiest loss I will ever had to deal with. Not because she was not blood- but simply because she gave me time. She gave me her time. I got to make sure she knows exactly how I feel about her. She knew me as an adult. As an adult who is very vocal. I love her and she knows it. I hadn’t had a proper conversation with her in a few weeks and that will forever hurt. I will always kick myself for not squashing our tiff quicker – as I had done a million times before.

I will miss her. But I know I am already healing. I understand things better now. I think she got the best love I could give to a friend. And that’s where my comfort lies.

I’ll explain this process next time.

But for now… I am at peace with my friend’s passing. And I know she appreciates that.