Relationshipically nyised!

Two thousand and eighteen. The year with many years in it. A whole WOW!!!

So in this one year alone I have managed to get myself in the same sticky situation too many times. I have managed to convince myself of things I would never ever have in any other situation. Ei, I screwed myself hard and the wrong way.

I’ve moved 6 times in this year alone. SIX TIMES!!! Half of the times were always back to a place I should’ve known was not for me the very first time I left. But because I need remedial lessons in the relationship department… LMFAO. And I truly and deeply believed that was my home. I went against all I know and always say about never making homes out of people’s hearts… and did just that. I made a home out of a heart, one I have loved so dearly and for the longest time.

I believe I know better now. Too much has happened, I have lost more than I have gained, and it is safe to say there is nothing there for me anymore. I believe this more than I can explain!

I went to find healing at the place I was hurt, redundant much?

It has all changed now, I feel like I have somewhat of a new life. A new lease of life. I’m on that new new and I like it a great deal! I won’t say too much lest I jinx the good flow! But all I know is…

I am so grateful for the kind of support I’ve had in the past couple of months. I feel lucky and loved. And it is these connections that have me convinced I am not as bad as this situation has made me feel over the years and that I truly am worthy of love, time and affection. And that my cup can be filled again!!!

THANK YOU 😊

 

 

Suss out the Fluff.

SO!!!! We made it into two thousand and seventeen. Woooo hooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last year was tricky and messy AF. It gave me everything I’ve ever wanted and took everything I’ve ever had. Paradoxical much?

Because I am a present student of this thing called life, 2016 didn’t go by without any lessons. Yes, I will admit that I learnt some eagerly and will also need to relearn others.
I wasn’t ready. So I know I missed a few. And our good ol’ universe is ever so ready to repeat these until I finally get it. HA!!!!

I cried so much. The most I have ever. It’s the funniest thing ever. Because I experienced the joy I had been longing for. So why the tears? I have simply come to accept that I either hurt others (for hurting me or whatever) or I cry it all out.

I took the plunge and went back to school. LOL. Such torture that was. The balancing thereof with work, a full time relationship and life happening at a million WTFs per second. I made it out alive. Now to brave second year!

My divorce, that I hardly spoke about, was finalized. I thought I’d be happier and lighter. LOL. It’s the same shit, just legal. It had fizzled out a long time ago. I still want to get sloshed in the name of my decree LOL. Like they do it in the movies! I’m glad that’s done.

I said the following to a lady Uber driver (I was elated when I discovered I got a lady driver for once!!!!!!!!!!!)  on my way back from the court:

We can have every single thing we’ve ever wanted in life and still be miserable. Only if we don’t remember to look at them. Notice them. Celebrate them. Be grateful that despite the world bruising and and hurting, we have all of this.

I moved myself when I said this. Hahahaha!!! She was also taken aback. Such a sweet mama. I wish to ride with her again sometime in the future.

I learnt that I actually have the healthiest relationship with myself more than any other human or thing. I don’t know how I feel about being old, alone, wearing flowy dresses, a house full of crystals and spice&insense smelly hair. OMG I sound like my father’s aunt. ***if you’re reading this, save me. NOW***

Humans are fickle.
Humans are flawed.
I am flawed, but I understand and embrace my flaws – fully.
And maybe one day, as I try always, I will embrace the flaws of others. Dangerous territory, trust me, I know. I have the scars. But I will soldier on.

And in the meantime, I will continue to be nice to myself. As best as I can. I mean, I know my love language best after all. Haha!
I will continue to give myself all the apologies I need.
I will continue to be soft, gentle and real with and to myself. I need it.

So. Here is to more of the good and less (please God let there be none) of the not so good.
Here is to sussing out the fluff!!!

Happy New Year everyone.

❤

TWENTY EIGHT

So… I turned a year older yesterday. Whooopie!!!!!!!

I vlogged about how I feel and actually surprised myself at what I had to say.
I mentioned the things I am grateful for. One of them was the opportunity to be me. How crazy? Well, I am crazy aren’t I? But on the real, I am so happy that I was chosen to be ME!!!

Sure, it would’ve been nice to be some rich famous person like Kim K. LOL!!!!
But I am not. And that’s okay with me. I am me and I am the best version of me.
I love where I’ve been. I love where I’m going. And I’m learning to love and appreciate how I’ll get there. I get so teary eyed when I go through my list of things I am grateful for. I’m overwhelmed by the grace and mercy I’m given. It could all end at any second, but while I still have it, I am going to hold on tight!

I had a lovely and chilled out day with the love of my life. Someone I want to talk about all day and all night. But also want to protect. It’s crazy. But let me leave this here, I think the sun shines out her rear… she thinks so too. LOL.
I swear I’ve loved this human for a thousands years. I wish all of you meet and get to love someone as deeply as I do her. And yesterday, she went out of her way to make me feel special and it worked. I felt like the sun sets in my rear LMAO – this is getting nasty!!!

Back to gratitude and being 28… I get to do more. Live a little more. Isn’t it great? I get to do more of what I like. I get to be Me. I think I’ve run out of words now, an absolute first. Is this what growing older means? LOL!!!

Signed,
Older, grateful and wiser
❤

 

Finding Happy

I have so much happy in me. All the time. I want to share it. With everyone. So much so that I keep to myself when I feel my happy slip away. And when it slips, I cry to and for it. Dear happy, please stay.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
– E. E Cummings

So  I have been having an interesting week. Interesting was not my first choice, but for the sake of all things light, interesting will do. It’s Thursday. I am experiencing so many different emotions all at once, none of them sound and feel like my happy. I want my happy. I need my happy. The essence of me is happy, I believe this with all my might!

Monday. So fucken tricky. The lunch I packed isn’t doing anything for me. I’m not hungry. Turn the volume of the sound of my happy way up. So high that anything that doesn’t share the sentiment of happy just cannot come in. It worked. I made it to Tuesday.

 

Tuesday. I cut the side of my lip on Monday, I don’t know how. It burns. I have hot chicken and spinach for lunch. It fucken burns. The day ends. I’m vibing with the lover. Our vibration is so high. I feel like this…

Wednesday. I get the results from the last assignments I submitted. I did so well. I am doing so well. I really want this degree, I am so happy. This feels right. This is a big deal. But maybe just for me. Someone sees it. One person sees it. They say: “Ma-ghel!!! ” this makes me smile.
Keep it moving. You’re doing great.
Your vibe with Friona is all the way up, this is beautiful. Notice the volume of happy turned all the way down, turn it up, it slips down, turn it up… taped it there. Tape doesn’t hold. Decision: fuck it. i’ll call another kind of happy…

Thursday. I pull out the brightest top I have, it should lift  me up. It doesn’t. I should pray. I want to pray. But what do I ask for? What do I want? I pray, I choke. All I hear is a mumbled whisper “I just want my happy”. I swallow a tear that never quite makes it to my tear ducts. I must do something. I buy myself a juicy chicken burger, chips and a fizzy drink and mute the “Believe in yourself Team” and the salads they are all sending photos of. I don’t care about healthy right now, I am chasing happy. I buy myself flowers. My heart claps.

My happy waves at me and mouths: “I am never in anyone else’s hands” 

If anyone is looking for me tell them to look out for the girl in the highlighter-coral top, with the large bouquet of flowers and a bulgy tummy filled with junk. A big smile on her face and a halo of happy around her burning soul.

 

“I’ve got you”

The three most powerful words after “I love you”

Okay maybe that’s just me. Those words, coming from a person you love and trust with your life, ARE EVERYTHING!!!!

Now, in a time of everything being “everything” please just trust that these words are really everything. Knowing that someone is on your team and wants you to win, everything. Knowing that you are not alone and should things not work out in any other part of your life, they’ve got you – everything. Knowing that someone has got your back through it all… every little thing!!!!!

I can live without a lot. I refuse to live without love.

Love and Laughter
XO

 

 

Back on the gram

So last week I went back online, on insta. I think I sat with a selfie for a good day, trying to think of a caption. And I wanted to make it about my hair, I am so in love with it!!! But I didn’t, I let it speak for itself.

 

This made me nervous. Really really anxious. I cannot tell you why. I love the photo, I love the person in it. Why was I nervous? I tried telling people this, one didn’t care and asked me what I’m scared of and added something like how I shouldn’t let a platform have so much power over me, I know she meant well – but this wasn’t what I wanted to hear, maybe needed to hear, but definitely not WANTED. The other mocked me and called me “Mzwakhe Mbuli” because my captions tend to be loooooooong and so over dramatized. LOL. I received this one a little better.
The reception was great. From the very people I missed while I was off. It’s amazing how powerful these relationships we make with strangers online is.

I am a loner. I have always been. I have trust issues, purely from poor experiences with people in the past. I have been an intensely naive person, from the earliest of stages in my life. And this has gotten me burnt, literally – I was once burned by a cup of boiling tea when I was about 10, which til this day I don’t know whether it was accidental or intentional. A story for another day. I will title it – “accident prone”

Having been such a loner and private child, I learnt to befriend books and TV. I made a few imaginary friends, but they were all in me and I acted them out so my friends were never outside of me. One of the reasons I have always wanted to be an actor, there are so many people inside me LOL – I am not clinically insane – FYI. My friends were my family and books. I was an academic and enjoyed the attention I got at school for this. So I never was lonely.

My sister, sometimes I blame her for everything, is the person who brought mxit home. I did not know of this world. Where everyone was connected online and there were chat-rooms. I still blame her for introducing me to people who managed to crawl under my skin and leave me with the most biter of tastes in my mouth! Now Now Censh, calm down, you survived, you are well, you are kind and you blessed.

So, she introduced both Mama and I and we were hooked. It progressed to other platforms and was a spiral (I will let you decide what kind) from there on. As the years went by, I discovered MySpace, Facebook and by then it was too late. I had made “friends” who followed me everywhere. It seemed like everyone knew everyone and this once shy and reserved child knew and was known by everyone. I met people like me, there were not a lot like me where I come from. I was always different and these platforms allowed to to express and tap into all these things that were hidden or just not common. I was happy. I felt free. I felt understood and supported. Until no one had my back when I needed them the most. {insert fake LOL here} Life will never be the same.

I’ve been back a week and already can spot the things that made me leave in the first place, but I must mention that things that made me go back outweigh those that made me want out. And that’s a good thing. In my eyes. I have formed some really nourishing relationships with strangers on this platform. I am appreciative of their existence in my cyber life and I am extra grateful that our paths crossed. I will continue to nurture and nourish these relationships as well as they have done to and with me.

I won’t be as active. I’m busy with round 2 of this semester’s assignments and prepping for my finals. Also, I want to work on spending more time here. This space feels genuine.
Most of the people who read my posts have good intentions for me… I said MOST. I am naive nomore. {flex bicep here}

Shout out to Malebo, Monni and Lola (she probably hasn’t in a while) for mentioning that they’ve read these posts and liked them.  And mostly Zinzi, she doesn’t have a choice really, I send her my link whenever I post something and force her to read. She’s my friend. I can get away with it. {insert the biggest grin here}

Love and Laughter!

XO

 

 

Jhene Aiko

This woman’s music is the truth. She feeds my soul with beauty. I love her. I don’t tire from her songs. This is one of my favorites. They are all my favorite by the way. I will post more.  

Whoever you are. Wherever you are. Whatever you’re going through, trust that it will pass. This is for you. 

W.A.Y.S.
At forty-four minutes to four

An angel walked up to my door

Opened the windows to my soul

Told me he thinks that I should know

That there’s no slowing down

As the globe spins ’round and ’round

You gotta keep going, gotta keep going

Gotta keep going, you gotta keep going

Gotta keep going, you gotta keep going

You gotta keep going, you gotta keep going

You gotta keep going
If there’s one thing that I learned

While in those county lines

It’s that everything takes time

You have gotta lose your pride

You have gotta lose your mind

Just to find your peace of mind

You have got to trust the signs

Everything will turn out fine
So why aren’t you smiling? Why aren’t you smiling?

Life can get wild when, you caught in the whirl wind

Lost in the whirl wind, you’re chasing the wind

You gotta understand

There’s really no end, there’s really no beginning

There’s really no real, there’s really no pretending

There’s really no fail, there’s really no winning

Cause nothing really is and everything really isn’t
At forty-four minutes to four

An angel walked up to my door

Opened the windows to my soul

Told me he thinks that I should know

That life only gets harder but you gotta get stronger

This is for my brother, I do this for my daughter

That’s why I keep going, that’s why I keep going

That’s why I keep going

That’s why I keep going, I gotta keep going

I gotta keep going, I gotta keep going

I gotta keep going, gotta keep going

Gotta keep going
I gotta show them, that I can keep going

I gotta keep going, I gotta keep going

I gotta keep going
Why aren’t you smiling? Why aren’t you smiling?

Life can get wild when, you caught in the whirl wind

Lost in the whirl wind, you’re chasing the wind

You gotta understand

There’s really no end, there’s really no beginning

There’s really no real, there’s really no pretending

There’s really no fail, there’s really no winning

Cause nothing really is and everything really isn’t

That’s why I keep going

How I committed to staying off Instagram.

I do a lot of crazy stuff. Okay maybe I’ve gotten better at fucking up. Wait, that doesn’t make much sense. Doesn’t it mean that I am fucking up more? Like, a better fuck upper or fucker up? My head’s spinning!!!

So I have gone and posted that I am taking a break from Instagram (MY BELOVED) {insert theatrics and shit here} and have left my followers, all 4 of them. LOL. I kid. I have some really loyal people on there. People who like even the most random of posts. And I post EVERYDAY. Okay maybe not so much over the weekend because I’m either sleeping, snogging or just not in the mood. I think that’s when I live. LOL.
But now I announced this which adds even more pressure coz I like, “legit” (I’m tryna sound hip) cannot go back on my word. So I have to stick to it. I have to not be on there. Posting shit. And liking shit. Which I do a lot. I like liking. And it never means more than that to me. It means I like your stuff. To ME it is “hey, I saw this post, I am acknowledging it and here is proof” And when I really really really love it, I will leave a comment. I’m going to miss that. I am going to miss my little community. As warped and deranged as that sounds. I am going to miss that little life. With everyone that I know is checking up/ in on me instead of picking up the phone and calling me. With everyone that never likes or comments OR EVEN FOLLOW (yes, that is really a thing and I have decided to call them ghost followers. I said this first OKAY!!!!) but can give me a rundown on my daily posts LOL!

My page was started from scratch.With minimal migration from my Facebook days and failed twitter life LOL!!!!! I promise, I had like 200+ twitter followers. It was ridiculous. Maybe one day I’ll try again. I hated talking to myself publicly – okay not so much when I was drunk and watching soppy films. hahahahah!!!
Insta has made it to 700+ and that’s pretty cool. I know I lost all the followers I had gained from my lingerie shoot. LOL! They found out that there is actually more depth to me. And that I like my clothes on. 😛

I really appreciate the few friends I have made and met on Instagram. The laughs and appreciation I received for my posts. The outlet it has been. Social media is a great platform. It is powerful and influential. It can open up a whole new world. Which it has for a loner such as myself.
I’d like my pages everywhere to leave a mark. To have an impact. On someone. If not everyone. Talk about ambition. I am a marketing student. It’s time I focused, I might learn a thing or two on promoting myself and my beliefs. LOL – thank you, thank you. That was my acceptance speech for the everything award.

I’m really going to miss Instagram. I’m going to be such a pest to my people. My poor poor lover!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😦

The truth is, I have lived a pretty open life. Open in the sense that I know a lot of people – yes, there was a time I used to love people a lot – and in the short space of time they’ve known me, they have experienced a lot of shit go down in my life. Stuff I would rather they didn’t see or know about me. I’ve been honest and very forthcoming about my struggles. And the world just wasn’t ready for that. It’s amazing how it is now only that people are “woke” to the okayness of not being okay. How everyone wants to share their deepest and darkest stories without being judged because it is “okay” and “hip” to do so. LOL this is already another post. And I digress!
I have been so caught up with being okay and making sure that it is obvious that the second I find myself having a moment of letting myself feel whatever is happening, I feel the need to snap out of it lest I be seen as that same old kid who “loves being sad” and being forced to unlearn everything I am and dishonouring my true-self for the sake of likes (in this case, being deemed cool). The reality is, I don’t want to be a robot. I am a feeler. And cannot apologize for that. I will not.

I am at a really good place.Probably the best I have known since my early teens. I am happy. I am free. I am light. I am in love. I am making love. I am getting the degree I’ve wanted for the longest time. And I do not want to cheapen the experience by trying to find photos that represent it. I have the words. But InstaGlam is not ready for this. So I shall type it all up here.

And now to finish this post off. With another commitment. hehehehehe… I am on a roll.
4 Blogs a week! #LETSGO
This is post #1

Sugar in my bowl

I’ve just made myself a cup of tea. Raspberry flavored.
My office ran out of sugar and I had to borrow from my friend downstairs. I’ve always been fascinated with that word “borrow”. According to my knowledge, education and Google – of course – to borrow means: to take and use (something belonging to someone else) with the intention of returning it. How then do I intend on returning sugar I’ve already used?
Funny stuff really.

Still on borrowing. There is this idea of living on borrowed time. I am so aware of this, that sometimes I have to catch myself and re-wire my brain and shift from it. I understand that it is important to know this. That it helps us to be more present, to be more appreciative of time. I’m in no way arguing that this is not. I am however, weary of over exercising it. I find that with this constant knowledge and with it popping in at the times you feel the most alive and have a rush of life flowing through your veins!!!! you sort of leave that happy moment are reminded of how impermanent it all is. I also find that it is in those times that I remember, which turns into missing, those I have lost – permanently. I practice gratitude, on all levels. I practice it by always counting the blessings in every experience. Observing and applying the fundamentals of balance. How with every evil there’s good. And so on. So whenever the feeling of loss attempts to consume me – I say attempt because that’s all it can ever do really. It will NEVER consume me. It tried. It failed. My borrowed time doesn’t allow for such *insert fist in the air here* – I let it do its thing. I let myself be transported through the emotions associated with whatever loss it is that has come to me. I feel like I should make an example. So I will: the most recent is my friend, and that is always at the top of the list. Especially now, with all the changes happening in my life. My encounters with people. My mood swings. My euphoria. My challenges and triumphs. I always want to tell her. I want to pick up the phone and tell her “It is really happening. I can’t believe it. I am so happy. I am scared. I want it so bad. OMG OMG OMG” Yes, with all those theatrics, she got them. LOL!
How do I find the balance for this? I recall the great times. How I was afforded an opportunity to be understood on this level. How I HAD for sure, someone who accepted me just as I am. Someone who didn’t need to make up excuses for going hard for me.

I was borrowed time with her. And had to, in a sense, return her. 🙂
But for years, many years, I had Sugar in my bowl.

So, here is to not only understanding the impermanence of it all but to embracing it fully.
And to gratitude and the ability to recognize moments worthy thereof. Big or small.
And most of all, to being loved. Enough. Over and Over and Over again.
❤