Sneaking Back in

I had to type this out on a word document before uploading. I knew I’d still have to figure out my password for this site. And to be really honest with you, I don’t bother remember passwords anymore. I’ll get into my relationship with them one day. But yes, I had to get this out of my system before I brushed it off one more time. I miss this. Writing and have however many people read and hopefully a handful get it. You know? Or maybe you don’t. but I just really miss it. So here goes.

Hi!

How have you been? Really?
Did you ever think you’d live through a whole pandemic? I don’t think I even thought they exist outside of movies. And wow, this has been a real film. Things closed down but get what didn’t stop happening? Life. Nope, that’s one thing that keeps happening whether you’re ready or not. And everything since then has been happening at a thousand WTFs per second. Lives have changed so much! New people have been born, some died. The usual life stuff just kept happening.

I think I was trying to avoid talking about myself, not sure why because who else is there to talk about?
I’m okay in most ways and not so great in some. I’m on the other side of things I had always longed for. I’ve survived things I thought would definitely end me. The voice of reason in my head is so much louder these days. I’ve always been about self-care, but these days baby!!! it’s elevated. Any little inconvenience, I make sure to tend to my needs. I drop everything and run to my rescue. You see I’ve decided to reparent myself. To love myself more than any could possibly ever claim to love me. And it’s been the best thing I’ve done. I try to make sure I’m not operating from ego or a place of fear. But I believe if I had a child, I’d always put them first. I do a lot for my mental health, as best as I can at least. And I swear if I didn’t need community or a somewhat of a social life – I’d do this whole thing solo ’til the end. Because I don’t stress myself LOL! I may stress about bills or not having enough money to do the things I want to do or even when I believe I’m not living the life I thought I’d be living by now.
Those kind of things. On most days, I am gentle and extend a lot of grace to myself and remind myself of how far I’ve come and how much further I’ll still go. And then there are those days when it all just sounds like I’m making excuses and I get overwhelmed and just shutdown. Those are not my favorite days.
But I guess it’s all a packaged deal right? When I feel like this, I isolate and cater to myself! And sometimes this looks like letting myself stay in bed all day on a Saturday right into Sunday and binge on series or vlogs until it’s time to get ready for the work week. I’ve always been big on Sunday resets. Wake up, find a good sermon (preferably by SJR, I’ll tell you some day how she saved my life) or a live service if I catch one. Clean my home (it is so cute here – with traces of my everywhere lol and so very warm). Meal prep for the next 3 days if I can. Fill my home with the aroma of lavender oil in a hot bubble bath with my Epsom salts while I enjoy my late lunch/ early supper while the sound of a good sermon echoes and soothes my spirit. And when my water is the right temperature, I’ll find a nice feel good rom-com or cozy vlog and watch it as I soak in my candle-lit bathroom. And seal the night with a cup of chamomile tea. Romantic much?! Like I said, gentle is the name of the game. And then I try again and get back into the swing of things. I figured there’s enough tough love from the outside why not treat myself like an egg? “Anything for you Princess” is my favorite line and I love it here! And I am super grateful for the privilege.

I picked up a poetry book the other day and remembered just how much I really really loved writing. How words have always been my escape. And just how good I was at it. I’d like to revive that.
I’ve changed in a lot of ways; I’ve picked up silly habits like doubting myself and my abilities, grew insecure about things I would’ve never thought I’d ever be shy about. The knock my confidence took over the last three years is taking me so long to fix. Thank God I still look calm and poised on the outside while the inside is a turbulent mess! I’m working on it and I wish I could wake up one day and not have to work on it anymore. But! Grace and patience Love. Maybe I’ll talk about the events that changed my life on here. Maybe I won’t. I’m just glad I let myself write something on here.

How do you show up for yourself?

Solitude

My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude. – Warsan Shire

Imagine meeting someone who loves their own company as much as you love your own.
And you say things like “you like being alone and I like being alone, lets be alone together” and it sounds like the most magical thing ever and not as cheesy as you’d imagined it.

I believe in magic and miracles and answered prayers. And I have learnt different ways to connect to the creator, through creation and through a very important tool – my tongue. You see… it would’ve been so easy to give up and say, “fuck this I don’t want to give anyone else a chance because when this shit goes sour it hurts like a muther!!!”
No. Instead I am choosing to trust all I have ever learnt. I have listened to the sounds the breaking pieces of my heart made as they cracked… every single time. All they ever asked for was a chance to mend and be whole again. Because they actually love what they do; they love. They feel. They carry hope and most of all, they carry all those I love and have ever loved. How dare I dwell in the misery and false promise of this being it, the end? How did I ever think my story was done? How could I leave my heart in pieces?

Imagine realizing you have been an active participant in the brainwashing scam of your own damn self. Like some John Black and Stefano Dimera stolen memory saved on a floppy disc kind of shit. OMG!!!

I had to unfuck myself and go back to the person I was before I believed any of that BS I was fed about never being enough of amounting to anything. I had to shut out and shut down, leave the world because it always asked that I be strong and happy and positive and cheerful and such a good example that women are strong.
Fuck that.

I unsubscribed from being a strong woman, because unfortunately she comes with a serious amount of bitterness because her strength is measured by the number of punches she can take – no, not from life and the world – but rather from mutherfuckers (I tried to find a better word to describe them but all the words in all the world do not have as much punch as this in describing the breed of people i’m talking about here) who cannot stand their own company and love their misery so much and are always eager to have guests who will commiserate. And if you are a guest that stays long enough until the misery starts to seep out of your pores and you hear yourself beat your own damn self-up for ever thinking you could do better… you are a strong woman! You earn your badge of honor. You get a ring that will make all the other weak women envy you. What a load?!

So, I am not a strong woman. I am a woman. I am soft and fragile. I am a glorious mess and I am magical.
My alone feels so good and someone who likes being alone, likes being alone with me. And it is sweet AF!

Relationshipically nyised!

Two thousand and eighteen. The year with many years in it. A whole WOW!!!

So in this one year alone I have managed to get myself in the same sticky situation too many times. I have managed to convince myself of things I would never ever have in any other situation. Ei, I screwed myself hard and the wrong way.

I’ve moved 6 times in this year alone. SIX TIMES!!! Half of the times were always back to a place I should’ve known was not for me the very first time I left. But because I need remedial lessons in the relationship department… LMFAO. And I truly and deeply believed that was my home. I went against all I know and always say about never making homes out of people’s hearts… and did just that. I made a home out of a heart, one I have loved so dearly and for the longest time.

I believe I know better now. Too much has happened, I have lost more than I have gained, and it is safe to say there is nothing there for me anymore. I believe this more than I can explain!

I went to find healing at the place I was hurt, redundant much?

It has all changed now, I feel like I have somewhat of a new life. A new lease of life. I’m on that new new and I like it a great deal! I won’t say too much lest I jinx the good flow! But all I know is…

I am so grateful for the kind of support I’ve had in the past couple of months. I feel lucky and loved. And it is these connections that have me convinced I am not as bad as this situation has made me feel over the years and that I truly am worthy of love, time and affection. And that my cup can be filled again!!!

THANK YOU 😊

 

 

Wishes and Horses

So…

I know I know. You’ve missed me. It’s been too long. I have missed this space too.

So much has happened. So much has changed. I have grown and so have those around me. And it has all been nothing short of magical.

I prayed and wished for a different working environment. I applied myself, in all senses. I knocked and knocked. A door opened. I walked in. I stayed. And it has been a dream. I tear up just thinking of the connections I have made. Connections with souls, I am still doing ground work, lol. Feeling them out and stuff and I can safely say… 3 months in, I can fux with this place. I am happy. And no I am not jinxing it. I know if I were to leave for a better position, I made some solid friendships. Sisters in fact. What I longed for. I’m so grateful.

There’s so much strength women can draw from each other. So much wisdom to be shared. So many tears of letting go to be shed. So much more value in being around people who want the same things as you. So much!!!! I am not alone. I am not crazy. I am loved, I am beautiful. I hear these things and believe them. Man!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m keeping this steady. I didn’t realize just how much real support I needed. I am better. I am stronger. I love this. All of it. I’m keeping and riding this til the end.

I will be back here as much as I can. When my days are freer. I know I will talk about these new connections a lot more. And I will see if there is anything from the past that still needs polishing. LOL!!!!

 

Love and All The Light

InnerCentia
❤

 

 

Situationships Part #3 – Letting go

Yes. I’m back with this stuff and you’re reading it again. It must be love? 🙂

So…
You’re in your situationship. For how ever long. And you realize it’s not going anywhere or maybe it’s gone where it could and you are just not willing to push it any further. And this is okay. Things end. This ship is sailing in a different direction to the one you had laid out for yourself and maybe even opposite to the direction you had both initially planned to sail in. So, you let it go. It no longer serves you.

Now, I am not delusional. I know this is not easy. I mean, I lived the song in my last post so many times. I didn’t want to let go and didn’t want to accept things as they were. I didn’t want to believe that it was “over”. I felt betrayed, let down and unloved. I blamed everyone and everything. I hated. I was bitter. I was mean and a whole lot of things I know now I shouldn’t have been. I found out much later that this wasn’t and isn’t the way to deal with things that end, like relationships. I was only slowing down my own healing process.

You see… if only healing from a broken relationship was a process shared with the person who’s name you say when asked “who hurt you?” things would be different. But this is not always the case. This is on a super saiyan level of adulting. Where we get to sit down like #hurtbae and talk it out. And somehow try to help each other through this grieving process and get “closure”.  You would do this before the both of you split, to make sure there is no unfinished business and  that your next partners don’t have to live in the shadows of your exes. You would adult and walk away knowing that it is indeed over. An amicable parting. Where you both can ride into the sunset having accepted what is.

Now, having lived the song in my last post I know how cumbersome holding on to what’s gone or dragging it along is. If you give anyone heaven on a platter, it should be from a good place. This way you can never be bitter over it, you wont feel like anyone owes you anything. And if you are giving someone what they are not giving back, you can either stop or resign yourself to it. My point: you have a choice. No one can save you, no one is coming for you unless you make that call. Be true to YOU, take your head along. Give when you can give, give without expecting and watch your cup never dry up.

People change. Actually, I don’t believe that. People evolve, yes that sounds better. People evolve into different versions of themselves at different times in their lives. They evolve into versions of what their current circumstances require. This is adaptation. This is what you too, since you’re human (otherwise I’m fucked if you’re not human and reading this) can and will do. You will adapt. You will heal. You will come out of your pain stronger and hopefully wiser. But here is where it starts…

LETTING GO.

 

 

I want it so bad!!

So…
I’m a really good diagnose-r, especially of the self. I have only just recently been able to apply it to others, close people of course.
But I’ve gotten very good at pointing out and actually naming what’s “wrong” with me. Remedies and cures are still in the pipeline.
Diagnosing my loved ones and helping them articulate what they are feeling and experiencing has been an interesting ride. I have found that it in turn helps harness how I deal with myself too.

I am more of practical than theoretical. I can read and be told a million things but until I experience them first hand, I won’t believe them. This is perhaps why it took me years to finally pick up a  “self help” book. Because I knew those words would be just that, words. They wouldn’t translate to messages or lessons. Here is where I’m going with this. I have read and listened to many motivational and encouraging books and podcasts and have been hooked on positivity and the REAL application of it in my life. This happened only because things started making sense.

A while ago, I learnt the art of detaching. Removing myself completely from a situation and standing firm in the belief that what is meant for me will NEVER miss me. I believe this with all my might. I have seen it work. And I have shared it with my people. They have bought into it. Now, because this shit (life) gets tricky sometimes; I am in a position where I want something really REALLY bad and I know how significantly detaching would serve me. But I want this so bad. So So SO MUCH!!! I don’t know how to sit in the passenger seat this one time and let what happens happen. I’m out here trying to find glitches and loopholes in the universe just to let me hold on to this and see it come true. Without losing myself in its uncertainty and have it consume me only to spit me out because it wasn’t meant to be.

I think I just reminded myself of it’s power in that last sentence. I’ll let it rest.
I’ll leave it out there. Even thought I know… I want it so bad!

❤

Situationships Part #2 – Love is serious

Part 2 came sooner than I expected.

Where was I? Ah yes, taking your head with you into a relationship.

This is very important. Relationships should be taken as seriously as adults treat their money. Adults are responsible people, not just anyone 18 and above.
We put a lot of thought into our finances and how we invest them etc. Some of us have spreadsheets for days all in the name of better managing our monthly income and expenditure. Our love lives should be met with as much attention and caution. Yes?
I think so. Imagine how great it would be to apply as much chariness to selecting a mate as we do when we are looking to buy a house, one of the most important and biggest buys of our adult lives? You don’t just jump in and think  “oh well, we’ll see” NO WAYS! You take a long time, calculating, imagining and examining all kinds of scenarios and devising solid plans for each one. My point is – it is serious and we treat it that way! So surely a relationship deserves no less?

I am in no way trying to cheapen the value of love and emotions by comparing it to money. In fact, I believe love is the greatest commodity there is! Thee most valuable. The only reason I get into a relationship really. This doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the benefits that accompany a relationship *winks*

So now that I’ve expressed how serious getting into something with someone is… I can carry on.
Much like newly found wealth or power, a relationship can define you if you don’t know yourself. It can make or break you. And this is entirely dependent on where you are in life.
How strong and tolerant you are  of certain things. You will be tested. But the beauty of this is that it doesn’t apply to you if you took your head along with you to the first date, all the way to wherever it is that you are now at, in your situationship.
You can confidently say you did not lose yourself in anything; feelings, hopes and dreams. You came in as a solid, level headed and rational person. Because, real talk – we can’t be connecting flights* forever. Majority of us crave stability and longevity and pure joy. Not constant hard work and turmoil all in the name of being able to say “we’ve been together for 15 years”
And your inner-self is just standing there like…

“but you don’t even like this person” and “who is this person”

I’m starting something else here. So maybe park this one too?

Until the next part, Happy Valentine’s Day. If you celebrate it.
If you don’t… uhm… happy life!? 🙂

❤

*connecting flight = a girlfriend/ boyfriend just for now, just while you are searching for the final ride to your “one”.

 

Situationships Part #1 – Head over heels

I’ve found that I write the best when I feel the most. And this is one of those times. So I FEEL this might be one of those… the best. Hey, if I don’t hype myself up who will?

Situationships…

Those things we form by getting involved with people; friendships, romantic relationships and professional relationships. All of those. Bonds and ties.
There is a lot of work that goes into these and I find that we tend to thrust ourselves into them without really giving them much thought or having looked into the particular person(s) you’re about to get into something with. I can keep this broad and general but this post will end up longer than planned. So, I am going to narrow it down and focus it on romantic relationships. Seeing as I have ALL this experience. HAHA!!!

Getting into a romantic relationship with someone should only be done if we are absolutely sure and confident that it is what we want. If the person is what we want. Yes?
I’m not fond of checklists, but maybe they work. Worth a shot really.
I’ve always been about feelings. What feels right. What feels good. If I vibe with a person on a certain level. And I’ve even gone as far as deciding that if the vibe (on that particular level) is strong enough, it may be enough to disguise or allow me to overlook other things. Errr… not very smart. Because time reveals layers that aren’t always visible during courting and well into the honeymoon phase. So, those things that you may have convinced yourself to be so minute, are actually great and ugly and stifling and in your face! ***the feelings in that last sentence. phew!!!***

So choosing. I’m such an advocate of free will and choosing and being sure and and and. LOL! Let’s be real. I am no spring chicken so I should know what I’m talking about and what I want. Right? – Yes. Without all that pressure.
There should be a way to measure someone’s maturity and stability, I think. To gauge where a person is in their lives before you get into something with them. Look, this applies to long term and short term romances. Whether you’re looking for a long lasting commitment or just a fling for the summer. The point is that this person will be in your life and it’s wise to know (or sort of get an idea of) just what they want and are about and see if it fits into what you want too.

Imagine how bumming it would be to have worked on yourself for a long time and have gotten yourself to a great place where all that flows out of you are good vibes and you end up meeting and falling for someone who isn’t as okay with them-self to begin with and is therefore unable to (okay maybe struggles with more than being unable to) meet you with the same zeal and thirst for a positive life? This is that serving from an empty cup, because this is what that it leads to. You will try to water them in the hopes of growing and nurturing them into a strong and sturdy tree but that is not where they are.
And your efforts are in vain. They can only meet you as far as they’ve met themself.

Strength is when you can stand alone. And meeting someone who can stand alone too while with you is even better.

Logic tends to fly out the window where emotions are concerned. LOL. We relax a lot more when we are in lust with someone that we easily overlook all the not so nice parts of them (behavior more than anything). Things we would never ever miss if we were dealing with something else. I am all for going with the flow, with being in the moment and being there fully. However, please take your head with you. You need it!

I feel like this needs a part 2. Because I know I can go and on and on. So, let’s park it here.

❤

“Energy”

When you stumble on an old song and realize how hectic the lyrics really were.
She must’ve been going throught the most.

I wish I could rip out a page of my memory
’cause I put to much energy in him and me
Can’t wait till I get through this phase
’cause it’s killing me
Too bad we can’t re-write our own history

Such a mystery when he’s here with me
It’s hard to believe I’m still lonely
Chances fading now, patience running out
This ain’t how it’s supposed to be

I’m having nightmares from sleeping with the enemy
How do we re-reverse the chemistry
I don’t want us to be the end of me
This love is taking all of my energy
Energy, my energy
Taking all my energy
Energy, my energy
Taking all of (my energy)

Seems only like yesterday, not even gravity
Could keep your feet off the ground when you go to me
How can two be as one
We’ve become to divided now
There’s no use hiding from my misery

Now I can feel a change in me
And I can’t afford to slip much further
From the person I was meant to be
I’m not afraid to walk alone
Not give it up but moving on
Before it gets too deep
’cause you’re taking all of my energy

You’re killing me
You’re taking all of me yeah, oh
This love is taking all of my energy

Miss Keri-baby
Whatever happened to her…

Also, this song sounds like I wrote it.

 

 

Her heart- Anthony Hamilton

I can never sing this song without that resident throat lump joining in…

I had a habit of messing up
Staying out late and getting drunk
I let you down a thousand times
Broken promises
It’s like I ran away from you
My career was my excuse
Until I saw you about to drown in your own tears

And as you cried in my arms 
You woke up my heart 
And I saw again what I found in you 
Cuz her heart, her heart wont let me lose her 
No matter how I try 
I just cant say goodbye and lose her 

When all the folks were said and done
You were there to welcome me home
I was convicted cuz your love never wavered
I know you love me more than me
And you vowed to love through anything
I never had a kind of love that was forever

Her heart wont let me lose her.

Signed,
My heart and all it needs.
❤