Jan-U-Worries

The month with months in it. :’)

This month is always so interesting. Everyone is on some type of buzz. Resolutions; gym, money issues because people splurged over the festive season. This still baffles me. How oh how do you forget January? How many have you seen in your life???

Enough of that.

I’ve had a really pretty looking book I purchased last Jan for journaling.
My entries have been as sporadic as my blog entries. I once heard and obviously ignored that it’s best to keep scraps of paper or an ugly notebook for journaling. This way you can be real and raw and not try to prettify your words all in the name of trying to not “taint” the book. I should go back to listening this podcast, I’m not really sure why I stopped. It was really good.

This past Saturday I took to the longest entry I have ever made. And I liked it. I was not trying to be soft or kind or gentle or sugar coaty or flowery or anything outside of the truth. I wrote and wrote for many hours. I took a nap and woken up to write again. It felt good. It was a good vent session. I left everything there. I wonder how I’ll feel when I decide to read those pages in the future.

I don’t want to promise to write everyday. But I will do it as much as I can. I felt lighter.
Why do we stop doing the things we like? Things that work. Things that help keep us sane?

P.S  I have one of the least neat handwriting in the history of handwriting LOL and I don’t GAF anymore. hahaha!

 

Suss out the Fluff.

SO!!!! We made it into two thousand and seventeen. Woooo hooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last year was tricky and messy AF. It gave me everything I’ve ever wanted and took everything I’ve ever had. Paradoxical much?

Because I am a present student of this thing called life, 2016 didn’t go by without any lessons. Yes, I will admit that I learnt some eagerly and will also need to relearn others.
I wasn’t ready. So I know I missed a few. And our good ol’ universe is ever so ready to repeat these until I finally get it. HA!!!!

I cried so much. The most I have ever. It’s the funniest thing ever. Because I experienced the joy I had been longing for. So why the tears? I have simply come to accept that I either hurt others (for hurting me or whatever) or I cry it all out.

I took the plunge and went back to school. LOL. Such torture that was. The balancing thereof with work, a full time relationship and life happening at a million WTFs per second. I made it out alive. Now to brave second year!

My divorce, that I hardly spoke about, was finalized. I thought I’d be happier and lighter. LOL. It’s the same shit, just legal. It had fizzled out a long time ago. I still want to get sloshed in the name of my decree LOL. Like they do it in the movies! I’m glad that’s done.

I said the following to a lady Uber driver (I was elated when I discovered I got a lady driver for once!!!!!!!!!!!)  on my way back from the court:

We can have every single thing we’ve ever wanted in life and still be miserable. Only if we don’t remember to look at them. Notice them. Celebrate them. Be grateful that despite the world bruising and and hurting, we have all of this.

I moved myself when I said this. Hahahaha!!! She was also taken aback. Such a sweet mama. I wish to ride with her again sometime in the future.

I learnt that I actually have the healthiest relationship with myself more than any other human or thing. I don’t know how I feel about being old, alone, wearing flowy dresses, a house full of crystals and spice&insense smelly hair. OMG I sound like my father’s aunt. ***if you’re reading this, save me. NOW***

Humans are fickle.
Humans are flawed.
I am flawed, but I understand and embrace my flaws – fully.
And maybe one day, as I try always, I will embrace the flaws of others. Dangerous territory, trust me, I know. I have the scars. But I will soldier on.

And in the meantime, I will continue to be nice to myself. As best as I can. I mean, I know my love language best after all. Haha!
I will continue to give myself all the apologies I need.
I will continue to be soft, gentle and real with and to myself. I need it.

So. Here is to more of the good and less (please God let there be none) of the not so good.
Here is to sussing out the fluff!!!

Happy New Year everyone.

❤

I should probably blog a lot more

So. I have a lot to say. A lot more than I was aware of really.
I found myself pouring out so much info to someone. I told her things she didn’t ask me.
I get this way when I vibe with someone. And I know the difference between vibing and someone giving you their time. I hope I do!!!!

I should probably blog more and say more. I have a lot to say.

There are so many lessons in conversations. There is so much life in people coming together even if it is to exchange a few words and walk away to never see each other again. I live for these moments. I am a loner and love my own space, but I am never alone. I have books and the internet at my fingertips and these are filled with people and stories.
If anyone asked me what a lonely day is, i’d tell them that it was silent and I didn’t have any reading material or even someone to listen to (eavesdropping really… I love listening to people’s stories, I like that people love talking about themselves and about other people)
That’s a lonely day. A day that I go to bed without having learnt or taken anything away.
A day I didn’t make someone smile. So lonely.

So I should probably blog more.

TWENTY EIGHT

So… I turned a year older yesterday. Whooopie!!!!!!!

I vlogged about how I feel and actually surprised myself at what I had to say.
I mentioned the things I am grateful for. One of them was the opportunity to be me. How crazy? Well, I am crazy aren’t I? But on the real, I am so happy that I was chosen to be ME!!!

Sure, it would’ve been nice to be some rich famous person like Kim K. LOL!!!!
But I am not. And that’s okay with me. I am me and I am the best version of me.
I love where I’ve been. I love where I’m going. And I’m learning to love and appreciate how I’ll get there. I get so teary eyed when I go through my list of things I am grateful for. I’m overwhelmed by the grace and mercy I’m given. It could all end at any second, but while I still have it, I am going to hold on tight!

I had a lovely and chilled out day with the love of my life. Someone I want to talk about all day and all night. But also want to protect. It’s crazy. But let me leave this here, I think the sun shines out her rear… she thinks so too. LOL.
I swear I’ve loved this human for a thousands years. I wish all of you meet and get to love someone as deeply as I do her. And yesterday, she went out of her way to make me feel special and it worked. I felt like the sun sets in my rear LMAO – this is getting nasty!!!

Back to gratitude and being 28… I get to do more. Live a little more. Isn’t it great? I get to do more of what I like. I get to be Me. I think I’ve run out of words now, an absolute first. Is this what growing older means? LOL!!!

Signed,
Older, grateful and wiser
❤

 

Eternal Sunshine

Is it strange for me to say that

If I were to die today
There’s not a thing that I would change
I’ve lived well
Maybe I have made mistakes and been through my fair share of pain
But all in all, it’s been okay, I’ve lived well

And the more that I see, the more that I know
I don’t know anything, at all
Like the more that I breathe, and start to go slow
Of all the many things, I can only recall

All of the good things, good things
All of the good things, good things
Only the good, the good, the good
Only the good, the good, the good

Living on Sycamore street, and spending weekends on the beach
We were free, to be everything we dreamed
Flying kites and water fights
Summer nights, we’d ride our bikes
On Over Hill, Ladera Heights
Man I swear…

And the more that I see, the more that I know
I don’t know anything, at all
Like the more that I breathe, and start to go slow
Of all the many things, I can only recall

All of the good things, good things
All of the good things, good things
Only the good, the good, the good
Only the good, the good, the good

From Jhene & I
#eternalsunshine

❤

 

A love like this.

I found myself deep in my feels. And no matter how hard I try, I always find myself in Adele’s arms. She’s always so ready to accept me. 

One of her older offerings. A song as happy and sad as its melody. A song I believe she consulted with my kind of love and got permission to sing.

“Make You Feel My Love”
When the rain is blowing in your face,

And the whole world is on your case,

I could offer you a warm embrace

To make you feel my love.
When the evening shadows and the stars appear,

And there is no one there to dry your tears,

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love.
I know you haven’t made your mind up yet,

But I will never do you wrong.

I’ve known it from the moment that we met,

No doubt in my mind where you belong.
I’d go hungry; I’d go black and blue,

And I’d go crawling down the avenue.

No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do

To make you feel my love.
The storms are raging on the rolling sea

And on the highway of regret.

The winds of change are blowing wild and free,

You ain’t seen nothing like me yet.
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.

Nothing that I wouldn’t do.

Go to the ends of the Earth for you,

To make you feel my love

To make you feel my love

Spotless Mind

Change is inevitable

Why hold on to what you have to let go of?

Like, did I really break your heart?

Was it all my fault?

If you don’t knock it off

You know like I know where this was headed
I’m a wanderer

I’m a wanderer, baby

I’m a wanderer

I’m a wanderer
Lani Kai was nice

Turquoise seas and ocean breezes

Loving you was nice

But it’s a new day, a new season

I’ve been sad inside

And he could see it, picked up your pieces

We are just alive

And alright, alright, alright
He’s a wanderer

He’s a wanderer, baby

He’s a wanderer

He’s a wanderer
I started as a love song

24 years in the making

Moving from place to place

And I never really settled down

Without a place to call home

I got so used to the changes

Moving from stranger to strangest

You should face it

I am crazy
I’m a wanderer

I’m a wanderer, baby

I’m a wanderer

I’m a wanderer
Shame on me for changing

No, No, No,

Shame on you for staying the same
Shame on me for changing

Shame on you for staying the same
I’m a wanderer

I’m a wanderer, baby

I’m a wanderer

I’m a wanderer

Maybe I’m just a wanderer

Maybe I’m just a wanderer
– Jhene & The most Sagittarius of me 

❤️

I won’t make you pay for their sins

 

That’s all.

❤

 

 

“The Pressure”

Blues on a Friday morning… I should really be home listening to the rain. Instead, I’m here listening to:

I care about you baby, baby
More than you’ll ever know
More than you’ll ever know
Please do not drive me crazy, crazy
Unless you’re gonna go
With me

No pressure
No pressure, I know you’re real
The pressure
The pressure will make you feel

Up till the sun rises
There’s no compromising
I know, I know, I know
You are such a liar
I never denied you
I was for sure
But it’s really out of my control
The way you feel is not my problem
I don’t wanna see you go
But I don’t have time to solve this
And you don’t have the right
After all you put me through
I’m starting to realise

Pressure
The pressure I know you feel
Pressure
The pressure just keep it real

Major weed smoke in the air
Pass it like you just don’t care
Have you seen my fucks to give?
I have none, I cannot live with

The pressure
The pressure you know I feel
The pressure
The pressure to keep it real

Pay attention to the signs
Stay and listen, you will find
Everything, ain’t rocket science
Every gem is not a diamond

But the pressure
The pressure will make you feel
The pressure
The pressure

The pressure
The pressure will make you feel…
Real

-Jhene & traces of my soul

How oh how does this woman know so much.

Silent Treament

Allow me to take a moment. Of silence.
I take a lot actually. Some call it self preservation. Some call it being moody. I call it what it is, silence.
I have days when I feel its a bad habit I need to kick and days I can find all the reasons in the world to justify it. So I don’t. Try to kick it that is.

Let’s break it down. What is the dictionary (the internet has dictionaries for sentences, isn’t this world just awesome??!!) meaning of Silent treatment? Well, this is was the first I found: an act or instance of maintaining silence or aloofness toward another person, especially as a means of indicating disapproval or rejection.

Now… this meaning alone has my mind racing through instances of every single time I have ever consciously decided to STFU. There are so many. But I am going to first go into experiences of being the receiver of this treatment. Side note – I don’t forget anything that’s ever made me feel, really really feel… I could paint so many pictures, but this post is not about that.
My earliest memory is with my mom. I had done something that she figured was not worthy of a hiding and she chose to just be quiet. That was the most hurtful, unexplainable, most mind fucking experience of my childhood life. Never had I wished to be whipped, cussed out or even punished in any other way than just silence. It hurt so much, just thinking of it makes me shudder! She started doing it often – look, over the years I have learnt to excuse a lot of the things she did, she was a young mother from a world totally different to mine and had to teach herself parenting. She did the best she could. I turned out okayish. LOL!- and  you know how when something is done a lot you get accustomed to it? Yeah? No. This stung every time. I mean this was a lady who always said the greatest things to me, about me, someone who was on my side and always wanted me to win. And now had nothing to say. 😦 I must’ve really fucked up!
I know now, after many talks, that she was just tired LOL. I get it. Doesn’t make the memories go away, but I understand where she was coming from.

Now as a full-on adult. With years of experience, I can safely say that silence is my go-to place. Instantly. Easily in fact. So much so that I don’t take offence to the treatment (unless I love you, then it still has the same effect it did when I was a little girl). {insert shuddering here}
I have one of those nasal-sounding come multi-toned varying pitches, I-don’t-know-how-to-explain-it voices. I’ve been told I sound like I’m crying when I get excited.
I am telling you about my voice because I want you to understand why I don’t argue and fall into silence whenever I get “excited”. So imagine me in that high pitched voice having to argue a point across to someone who’s not willing to hear me. Epic fail much?
See, I am not confrontational. I am one of those who will probably keel over and die if confronted and backed into a corner. Otherwise, I cry. A lot. I have avoided conflict for that sole reason for the longest time. I skip angry and head right into water-works. Messy, slimy, hicuppy and just heartbreaking crying sessions. Do you know that lady that cries in ALL the Tyler Perry movies. Yeah… that lady. I could play her in a movie.
I digress.
So I avoid conflict. It turns out this is in my personality type. I believe in prevention rather than cure, so much so that I struggle with cure, like extremely. I freeze. Remember that keeling over? I feel like that’s what might happen. LOL! So I try my best to be the best. I try by all means to avoid conflict.

So yeah… silent treatments. Epic mind fucks. But that’s probably the case only with me. Sometimes I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish I could be so removed from situations. I wish I could. Maybe in another life, I guess for now i’m just this person…