Patience

There are things I’ve learnt along the way. Things I had once unlearnt.

I learnt an immeasurable amount of  patience. The kind of patience that never asks. The kind of patience that never wavers. But just is. See, somewhere along the line I acquainted myself with the question “and then what” where actions have reactions and before I act, I know there’ll be a reaction. How does this tie into patience? The kind of patience I learnt was always backed up with how I would react if I didn’t maintain the level thereof. This also led to trusting in the process, knowing that whatever will be will be.

My patience also owes is strength to the constant reminder to be still. To know and remember that where I am right now will only change if I move. That the stillness is actually a way of grounding myself. Letting myself go through it by going through it. It being whatever is happening and threatens my patience and peace.

My patience also is kind. It sees the silver lining and forgets the cloud in its entirety. No, really. I don’t believe in half doing anything. I’m not going to be patient and understanding but still “be ready” for the clouds to let out some rain that may lead to storms and disturb the core of this patience I had to learn, for my sanity. No. I need the kind of patience that is kind and patient.

My patience has its own inner peace. Inner peace. I struggle with that a lot. Like… does it mean being calm? With everything and everyone? Does it automatically kick in when things (life) goes into overdrive? Is it contagious? I’d really like to get answers to those questions. Some day.

If I could talk to my patience I’d ask it how it is able to keep zen through it all. How it is unwavering. Many have called it foolish, I am one of them.

3:16 AM

 

Out of place, out of space & time
Wide awake out of papers, I am
Not okay, I am out my mind
Outer space, that’s where
I’ve been going
To a place where
Place where nobody knows
Floating, at a pace where
Now you see me, and now you don’t

I do not feel the fear of falling
I wanna fly
If it all goes well, then I will
But what if I don’t?
I’ll be right where I was before
But I’m not alone
You say “take my hand”
And we go (and we go)
And we go (and we go)
And I hope that we don’t overdose
Cause we don’t (cause we don’t)
No we don’t (no we don’t)
Ever know when we have had enough

Wait
Now my thoughts so cloudy
And my heart’s so crowded
With pain
I am so frustrated
Like my soul’s been taken away
Broken promise of everything
That I thought you were
Thought you said this would never hurt
That’s what it did
That is all

I’m a be so cold
Need some more
I’ve never felt these things before
I’m a think, for sure
Please don’t go
How could you not need me no more?
I don’t get it
You’re the only thing that I love
You’re the only thing that I want
You’re the only reason
The only reason

I do not feel the fear of falling
I wanna fly
If it all goes well, then I will
But what if I don’t?
I’ll be right where I was before
You’re all that I know

– Jhene & I

Angels and Demons

This has nothing to do with the book by Dan Brown with the same title, a book I read in high school. Back when I had a hunger for the occult and peculiar . A book that launched me into the world of the Illuminati, not this stupid craze everyone has about famous people. A book I will never forget. One day when I start reviewing books on this platform, I will go into details.

This also has nothing to do with one of my new fragrances by Givenchy with the same name. Look at me, I am a name dropper. hiihihihihi! Shout out to the lover for the lovely gifts!

Okay. Now that I’ve said what this post is not about, how about I get to what it is really about? Yeah? Cool. Read on…

I believe in angels.

These are the people that God sends us. The people He puts in our lives to see us through. They are real people with real stories who are able to impact our lives and leave a mark. They are messengers of the truth, love and light. They are much like soulmate in that they define a before and an after and most times the before is always so blurry. They are the people that help us along the lessons that life is always so ready and willing to teach us. They are not perfect, in fact they are some of the most flawed of us all. Their true nature is seen only by those who want to see. They help those who are ready to be helped.
I love angels.

There are demons.

Now, I don’t think I am as confident in talking about them as I am with angels. This is a belief thing for me. But I will share what I know about them from the demons that I have had to either face or dodge. 🙂
Demons; don’t play nice with them. If you have any that you have claimed as your own and have decided to listen to everyone saying you should embrace them, let THEM play nice with each other.Do not play with them, this is time you will never regain. They are the voices that never have a good thing to say about anything really. They are not light, they do not resemble anything light. They don’t want you to win. RUN BABY RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In closing. Water the plants  you wish to see grow. Pay no mind to those that don’t serve you. Love your angels, nurture them, value them. The demons… send them angels.

Love & Laughter
❤

One Day

Home ❤

Finding Happy

I have so much happy in me. All the time. I want to share it. With everyone. So much so that I keep to myself when I feel my happy slip away. And when it slips, I cry to and for it. Dear happy, please stay.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
– E. E Cummings

So  I have been having an interesting week. Interesting was not my first choice, but for the sake of all things light, interesting will do. It’s Thursday. I am experiencing so many different emotions all at once, none of them sound and feel like my happy. I want my happy. I need my happy. The essence of me is happy, I believe this with all my might!

Monday. So fucken tricky. The lunch I packed isn’t doing anything for me. I’m not hungry. Turn the volume of the sound of my happy way up. So high that anything that doesn’t share the sentiment of happy just cannot come in. It worked. I made it to Tuesday.

 

Tuesday. I cut the side of my lip on Monday, I don’t know how. It burns. I have hot chicken and spinach for lunch. It fucken burns. The day ends. I’m vibing with the lover. Our vibration is so high. I feel like this…

Wednesday. I get the results from the last assignments I submitted. I did so well. I am doing so well. I really want this degree, I am so happy. This feels right. This is a big deal. But maybe just for me. Someone sees it. One person sees it. They say: “Ma-ghel!!! ” this makes me smile.
Keep it moving. You’re doing great.
Your vibe with Friona is all the way up, this is beautiful. Notice the volume of happy turned all the way down, turn it up, it slips down, turn it up… taped it there. Tape doesn’t hold. Decision: fuck it. i’ll call another kind of happy…

Thursday. I pull out the brightest top I have, it should lift  me up. It doesn’t. I should pray. I want to pray. But what do I ask for? What do I want? I pray, I choke. All I hear is a mumbled whisper “I just want my happy”. I swallow a tear that never quite makes it to my tear ducts. I must do something. I buy myself a juicy chicken burger, chips and a fizzy drink and mute the “Believe in yourself Team” and the salads they are all sending photos of. I don’t care about healthy right now, I am chasing happy. I buy myself flowers. My heart claps.

My happy waves at me and mouths: “I am never in anyone else’s hands” 

If anyone is looking for me tell them to look out for the girl in the highlighter-coral top, with the large bouquet of flowers and a bulgy tummy filled with junk. A big smile on her face and a halo of happy around her burning soul.

 

“I’ve got you”

The three most powerful words after “I love you”

Okay maybe that’s just me. Those words, coming from a person you love and trust with your life, ARE EVERYTHING!!!!

Now, in a time of everything being “everything” please just trust that these words are really everything. Knowing that someone is on your team and wants you to win, everything. Knowing that you are not alone and should things not work out in any other part of your life, they’ve got you – everything. Knowing that someone has got your back through it all… every little thing!!!!!

I can live without a lot. I refuse to live without love.

Love and Laughter
XO

 

 

Staying Positive

My oh My. Where to even start with this?

Okay.

Positivity: the frequent experience of pleasant emotions.  Some of the most common are: joy, hope, gratitude, interest, serenity, pride, amusement, love, inspiration, and awe.

From that definition, being positive is a constant thing. Or a thing that is determined by consistency. Whichever makes sense. So it requires constant work. You have to consciously, actively and regularly PRACTICE positivity. This means calling yourself out when you see yourself drifting and heading the opposite direction. I do it all the time. I like that I can now spot it. It sometimes feels like a movie, where I am watching myself go off and wish at that same moment that I could physically pull myself away from myself. LOL! It is a real relationship, this that I have with myself and my thoughts.

This post has been a draft for the longest time. Everytime I sit to carry on where I left of the last time, I either get distracted or start editing what I typed previously. So I’m going to make sure I leave the old words as they are. And add more things, as and when they come to me.

I have cut out; news, tabloid, gossip etc.. I am subscribed to blogs, magazines, websites and forums that are in line with my vision of being a balanced and serene soul. Look, I am really loud and colourful, so maybe serene won’t happen. Much. But everything that I have implemented has helped me calm the fuck down when I have to. I can safely say what I’m doing, is working for ME and MINE. And I need to work on this Reality (TRASHY TV) that I binge on.

I think i’ll leave this here. I can always post another, maybe as a continuation or sequel? I know this is not everything I have learnt, or everything I will ever know. So yes, I shall chop and change. It is my blog, my rules. *allow these moments… power struggles are real*

In closing… I remember being so bitter that I watched a movie and always quoted a woman saying “bitterness is better left in someone else’s cup”
I now know better. Bitterness is not better in any shape, cup, size, or form. It must just be eliminated.

Toast to #growth

Love and Laughter
XO

 

 

Pretentious personalities

Why I call it instaglam…

I'klɛktik wallflowɛr

Every veil secretly desires to be lifted, except the veil of hypocrisy.

–Richard Garnett

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while now and, after reading Lerato Tshabalala’s ‘The way I see it‘, I’m ready to discuss this issue. In the first chapter titled “A slip of the thumb…“, Lerato writes about social media and how much it has taken over our lives; she outlines a number of Pros and Cons but I will be focusing on one particular con.

This is not a review on the book but I’ve got to mention that the book has inspired me to write more honestly and fearlessly (write the way I speak)👌 and anyone that knows me personally knows that I have a potty mouth with zer0 filter lol.

So, let’s get straight into it. It’s no secret that a very large number of…

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“I don’t want to be your friend anymore”

You know how we easily accept and understand this when a 5yo says it? It should apply to adults too. It’s okay to break up with friends. If you are no longer walking the same path or have a toxic relationship, saying bye and cutting ties is the best solution. I am a firm believer of protect those who matter to you. Protecting them for anything that may cause them harm. If anyone or anything doesn’t build you, why should you continue with it?

Sometimes saying these words to someone you saw as a friend is harder than just withdrawing from them. But it has to be done. I broke up with a friend that doesn’t know we’ve broken up, the most unfair thing that I could have ever done to her – since we both decided to be friends. But I couldn’t bring myself to actually sitting her down and discussing my feelings, perhaps because I knew she might try and have us work at it or fix it? Maybe I didn’t want it. It’s like that relationship where you stayed longer that you should’ve and watered a dead plant that never bloomed. I have been guilty of that too. Staying when I shouldn’t have.

So I’ve taken it upon myself to be conscious of these kind of weeds and cut them before they cut me. I have no room for them. I am fighting for myself, for once. While I am working on making those around me understand this; that until I feel I have fully healed, recovered and have reached a point where my love for MYSELF is so solid and non wavering, I cannot give them more than I have. I cannot give while my cup is empty.

Current focus: Nurturing my immediate family. They deserve me the most. They have been there, in their own special way.

 

Love and Laughter!

XO

Back on the gram

So last week I went back online, on insta. I think I sat with a selfie for a good day, trying to think of a caption. And I wanted to make it about my hair, I am so in love with it!!! But I didn’t, I let it speak for itself.

 

This made me nervous. Really really anxious. I cannot tell you why. I love the photo, I love the person in it. Why was I nervous? I tried telling people this, one didn’t care and asked me what I’m scared of and added something like how I shouldn’t let a platform have so much power over me, I know she meant well – but this wasn’t what I wanted to hear, maybe needed to hear, but definitely not WANTED. The other mocked me and called me “Mzwakhe Mbuli” because my captions tend to be loooooooong and so over dramatized. LOL. I received this one a little better.
The reception was great. From the very people I missed while I was off. It’s amazing how powerful these relationships we make with strangers online is.

I am a loner. I have always been. I have trust issues, purely from poor experiences with people in the past. I have been an intensely naive person, from the earliest of stages in my life. And this has gotten me burnt, literally – I was once burned by a cup of boiling tea when I was about 10, which til this day I don’t know whether it was accidental or intentional. A story for another day. I will title it – “accident prone”

Having been such a loner and private child, I learnt to befriend books and TV. I made a few imaginary friends, but they were all in me and I acted them out so my friends were never outside of me. One of the reasons I have always wanted to be an actor, there are so many people inside me LOL – I am not clinically insane – FYI. My friends were my family and books. I was an academic and enjoyed the attention I got at school for this. So I never was lonely.

My sister, sometimes I blame her for everything, is the person who brought mxit home. I did not know of this world. Where everyone was connected online and there were chat-rooms. I still blame her for introducing me to people who managed to crawl under my skin and leave me with the most biter of tastes in my mouth! Now Now Censh, calm down, you survived, you are well, you are kind and you blessed.

So, she introduced both Mama and I and we were hooked. It progressed to other platforms and was a spiral (I will let you decide what kind) from there on. As the years went by, I discovered MySpace, Facebook and by then it was too late. I had made “friends” who followed me everywhere. It seemed like everyone knew everyone and this once shy and reserved child knew and was known by everyone. I met people like me, there were not a lot like me where I come from. I was always different and these platforms allowed to to express and tap into all these things that were hidden or just not common. I was happy. I felt free. I felt understood and supported. Until no one had my back when I needed them the most. {insert fake LOL here} Life will never be the same.

I’ve been back a week and already can spot the things that made me leave in the first place, but I must mention that things that made me go back outweigh those that made me want out. And that’s a good thing. In my eyes. I have formed some really nourishing relationships with strangers on this platform. I am appreciative of their existence in my cyber life and I am extra grateful that our paths crossed. I will continue to nurture and nourish these relationships as well as they have done to and with me.

I won’t be as active. I’m busy with round 2 of this semester’s assignments and prepping for my finals. Also, I want to work on spending more time here. This space feels genuine.
Most of the people who read my posts have good intentions for me… I said MOST. I am naive nomore. {flex bicep here}

Shout out to Malebo, Monni and Lola (she probably hasn’t in a while) for mentioning that they’ve read these posts and liked them.  And mostly Zinzi, she doesn’t have a choice really, I send her my link whenever I post something and force her to read. She’s my friend. I can get away with it. {insert the biggest grin here}

Love and Laughter!

XO