Situationships Part #3 – Letting go

Yes. I’m back with this stuff and you’re reading it again. It must be love? 🙂

So…
You’re in your situationship. For how ever long. And you realize it’s not going anywhere or maybe it’s gone where it could and you are just not willing to push it any further. And this is okay. Things end. This ship is sailing in a different direction to the one you had laid out for yourself and maybe even opposite to the direction you had both initially planned to sail in. So, you let it go. It no longer serves you.

Now, I am not delusional. I know this is not easy. I mean, I lived the song in my last post so many times. I didn’t want to let go and didn’t want to accept things as they were. I didn’t want to believe that it was “over”. I felt betrayed, let down and unloved. I blamed everyone and everything. I hated. I was bitter. I was mean and a whole lot of things I know now I shouldn’t have been. I found out much later that this wasn’t and isn’t the way to deal with things that end, like relationships. I was only slowing down my own healing process.

You see… if only healing from a broken relationship was a process shared with the person who’s name you say when asked “who hurt you?” things would be different. But this is not always the case. This is on a super saiyan level of adulting. Where we get to sit down like #hurtbae and talk it out. And somehow try to help each other through this grieving process and get “closure”.  You would do this before the both of you split, to make sure there is no unfinished business and  that your next partners don’t have to live in the shadows of your exes. You would adult and walk away knowing that it is indeed over. An amicable parting. Where you both can ride into the sunset having accepted what is.

Now, having lived the song in my last post I know how cumbersome holding on to what’s gone or dragging it along is. If you give anyone heaven on a platter, it should be from a good place. This way you can never be bitter over it, you wont feel like anyone owes you anything. And if you are giving someone what they are not giving back, you can either stop or resign yourself to it. My point: you have a choice. No one can save you, no one is coming for you unless you make that call. Be true to YOU, take your head along. Give when you can give, give without expecting and watch your cup never dry up.

People change. Actually, I don’t believe that. People evolve, yes that sounds better. People evolve into different versions of themselves at different times in their lives. They evolve into versions of what their current circumstances require. This is adaptation. This is what you too, since you’re human (otherwise I’m fucked if you’re not human and reading this) can and will do. You will adapt. You will heal. You will come out of your pain stronger and hopefully wiser. But here is where it starts…

LETTING GO.

 

 

“Can’t Let Go”

When did it go wrong, I will never know

I have loved you all my life
How did it slow down, I go round and round
Thinking about it all the time

I gave you heaven on a platter baby
I gave you everything you never gave me
I never lied and I never faked it
Only wanted for you to save me
This love, it ain’t over yet
There’s too much that I haven’t said

Did you find the note that I wrote?
I hid it in the seam of your coat
It was hard to write with a lump in my throat
Do you even know that I can’t let go

Why were you so cold, let the truth be told
Tell me was it all for the thrill?
What was I thinking, I gave you everything
But you still went for the kill

Ooh sometimes I feel like I’m in the dark
Ooh I thought I’d die in your arms

Did you find the note that I wrote?
I hid it in the seam of your coat
It was hard to write, I had a lump in my throat
Do you even know that I can’t let go

Hope you know, I won’t let go

-Adele

 

Exams are abusive

Yeah I said it. And you know it too.

Whenever something happens in my life that I feel is not pleasant, I always say “I did not sign up for this shit.” It’s my go to line. I heard myself say it in my head during one of my exams. In case you’re wondering how they were, I will go ahead and tell you. SHITTY. Shittest. Fucked up. Torturous. Not all of them, just those that I studied really hard for only to find that half the shit I was confident about didn’t even make it on to the damn paper.

I quickly remembered that I did sign up for this shit. Yes sir I did. I signed up and have the bills to prove it and weight loss and stress to go along with it. It’s all done now and I have to wait in agony for results I know are probably going to be just as shitty as the whole ordeal. I signed up for this shit. I signed up for it because I want to be stressed out for 3 years, I want to be tens of thousands of Rands broker. Because I am self sabotaging. I want to take on yet another challenge to boast about overcoming.  Because I want to have something to write about and complain about.

Okay. Enough drama. I need to find a better way of studying. For next year. And I hope, I really really really hope I didn’t flunk any and if I did, can I at least qualify for a sup {Lord Jesus, I never thought my life would ever come to this, me, Centia, talking about supping?! *SMH*} But yes, back to studying better or finding better ways. Can you believe I actually learnt new things during my exams??? ahahahahahahaha!!!!

I’m starting a study group. I’ve approached a few students and they are keen. Some are part time like myself and others are full time. I can’t be this person.
And now that I’ve seen where my weakness is, I can surely fix it. For now, I’m glad this shit is over. Dankie Modimo

Sugar in my bowl

I’ve just made myself a cup of tea. Raspberry flavored.
My office ran out of sugar and I had to borrow from my friend downstairs. I’ve always been fascinated with that word “borrow”. According to my knowledge, education and Google – of course – to borrow means: to take and use (something belonging to someone else) with the intention of returning it. How then do I intend on returning sugar I’ve already used?
Funny stuff really.

Still on borrowing. There is this idea of living on borrowed time. I am so aware of this, that sometimes I have to catch myself and re-wire my brain and shift from it. I understand that it is important to know this. That it helps us to be more present, to be more appreciative of time. I’m in no way arguing that this is not. I am however, weary of over exercising it. I find that with this constant knowledge and with it popping in at the times you feel the most alive and have a rush of life flowing through your veins!!!! you sort of leave that happy moment are reminded of how impermanent it all is. I also find that it is in those times that I remember, which turns into missing, those I have lost – permanently. I practice gratitude, on all levels. I practice it by always counting the blessings in every experience. Observing and applying the fundamentals of balance. How with every evil there’s good. And so on. So whenever the feeling of loss attempts to consume me – I say attempt because that’s all it can ever do really. It will NEVER consume me. It tried. It failed. My borrowed time doesn’t allow for such *insert fist in the air here* – I let it do its thing. I let myself be transported through the emotions associated with whatever loss it is that has come to me. I feel like I should make an example. So I will: the most recent is my friend, and that is always at the top of the list. Especially now, with all the changes happening in my life. My encounters with people. My mood swings. My euphoria. My challenges and triumphs. I always want to tell her. I want to pick up the phone and tell her “It is really happening. I can’t believe it. I am so happy. I am scared. I want it so bad. OMG OMG OMG” Yes, with all those theatrics, she got them. LOL!
How do I find the balance for this? I recall the great times. How I was afforded an opportunity to be understood on this level. How I HAD for sure, someone who accepted me just as I am. Someone who didn’t need to make up excuses for going hard for me.

I was borrowed time with her. And had to, in a sense, return her. 🙂
But for years, many years, I had Sugar in my bowl.

So, here is to not only understanding the impermanence of it all but to embracing it fully.
And to gratitude and the ability to recognize moments worthy thereof. Big or small.
And most of all, to being loved. Enough. Over and Over and Over again.
❤