I want it so bad!!

So…
I’m a really good diagnose-r, especially of the self. I have only just recently been able to apply it to others, close people of course.
But I’ve gotten very good at pointing out and actually naming what’s “wrong” with me. Remedies and cures are still in the pipeline.
Diagnosing my loved ones and helping them articulate what they are feeling and experiencing has been an interesting ride. I have found that it in turn helps harness how I deal with myself too.

I am more of practical than theoretical. I can read and be told a million things but until I experience them first hand, I won’t believe them. This is perhaps why it took me years to finally pick up a  “self help” book. Because I knew those words would be just that, words. They wouldn’t translate to messages or lessons. Here is where I’m going with this. I have read and listened to many motivational and encouraging books and podcasts and have been hooked on positivity and the REAL application of it in my life. This happened only because things started making sense.

A while ago, I learnt the art of detaching. Removing myself completely from a situation and standing firm in the belief that what is meant for me will NEVER miss me. I believe this with all my might. I have seen it work. And I have shared it with my people. They have bought into it. Now, because this shit (life) gets tricky sometimes; I am in a position where I want something really REALLY bad and I know how significantly detaching would serve me. But I want this so bad. So So SO MUCH!!! I don’t know how to sit in the passenger seat this one time and let what happens happen. I’m out here trying to find glitches and loopholes in the universe just to let me hold on to this and see it come true. Without losing myself in its uncertainty and have it consume me only to spit me out because it wasn’t meant to be.

I think I just reminded myself of it’s power in that last sentence. I’ll let it rest.
I’ll leave it out there. Even thought I know… I want it so bad!

❤

The Universal Energy Doesn’t Lie

So…

My beautiful friends always humour me and engage me on the stuff I blog about.
I always enjoy the interaction and emotions I invoke from them.
Some receive this as clear as I intend – moments I cherish!

The situationship conversation has been one of my favourites. I read and reread and feel like I didn’t write it. I couldn’t have. Me? Professional mistake maker?! HA!!!
So, whoever it is that I channel and wherever it is that I go to… is welcome. All of it. May it stay!

My love for strangers is one I will NEVER give up.
My latest regular fix has been uber drivers. They make my days **insert young thug tear here**
On my in to work this morning, I got into my usual “deep” convos and the driver (as always) was more than willing to engage. Fully.
This one in particular had me feeling like “dude are you like stalking me or something? you read my blog don’t you”

Our conversation was mostly about how one should never ever listen to nay-sayers. Especially if what they are saying no to is YOUR life and YOUR future etc. We discussed the importance of knowing what you want and going for it… because no matter how many sticky notes and wishes you can have up in your room (i’m this girl HA!) things don’t fall out of the sky anymore, Manna is history. Literally.
You have to be deliberate and put in the work. Because luck is when preparation meets opportunity… Right?

We went in!!!! And my soul was on fire and I was like yasssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It went to church real quick.

As the trip drew to a close. He said “young lady… I like the way you think. Please do me this one favour: make sure whoever you date, is on your level. Make sure they want the same things. I would hate for all this fire to be met by a stream of water that will wash it down. Burn baby burn”

I mean?!!!

Signed,
A soul on fire
❤

I won’t make you pay for their sins

 

That’s all.

❤

 

 

Patience

There are things I’ve learnt along the way. Things I had once unlearnt.

I learnt an immeasurable amount of  patience. The kind of patience that never asks. The kind of patience that never wavers. But just is. See, somewhere along the line I acquainted myself with the question “and then what” where actions have reactions and before I act, I know there’ll be a reaction. How does this tie into patience? The kind of patience I learnt was always backed up with how I would react if I didn’t maintain the level thereof. This also led to trusting in the process, knowing that whatever will be will be.

My patience also owes is strength to the constant reminder to be still. To know and remember that where I am right now will only change if I move. That the stillness is actually a way of grounding myself. Letting myself go through it by going through it. It being whatever is happening and threatens my patience and peace.

My patience also is kind. It sees the silver lining and forgets the cloud in its entirety. No, really. I don’t believe in half doing anything. I’m not going to be patient and understanding but still “be ready” for the clouds to let out some rain that may lead to storms and disturb the core of this patience I had to learn, for my sanity. No. I need the kind of patience that is kind and patient.

My patience has its own inner peace. Inner peace. I struggle with that a lot. Like… does it mean being calm? With everything and everyone? Does it automatically kick in when things (life) goes into overdrive? Is it contagious? I’d really like to get answers to those questions. Some day.

If I could talk to my patience I’d ask it how it is able to keep zen through it all. How it is unwavering. Many have called it foolish, I am one of them.

“Limbo Limbo Limbo”

 

She was born in limbo
With the need to be as simple
As her makers and the made up things she dreamed
Falling from high buildings ’til she
Was numb to the feeling really
She would never be quite what she seemed
She was just as hollow as a
Earth opened up, swallowing her
Off the grid and into paradise, her whole life
On a ride, her whole life was on a ride, on a ride, life was on a ride

Sailing through the cosmic seas
Her celestial frequency was needed
To fulfill the prophecy
She was too real to believe in
Though if they would, she could free them
From the truth that they’ve been told a lie, their whole life
On a ride, your whole life was on a ride, on a ride
Life is on a ride, your whole life is on a ride
Your whole life is on a ride

– Jhene

Staying Positive

My oh My. Where to even start with this?

Okay.

Positivity: the frequent experience of pleasant emotions.  Some of the most common are: joy, hope, gratitude, interest, serenity, pride, amusement, love, inspiration, and awe.

From that definition, being positive is a constant thing. Or a thing that is determined by consistency. Whichever makes sense. So it requires constant work. You have to consciously, actively and regularly PRACTICE positivity. This means calling yourself out when you see yourself drifting and heading the opposite direction. I do it all the time. I like that I can now spot it. It sometimes feels like a movie, where I am watching myself go off and wish at that same moment that I could physically pull myself away from myself. LOL! It is a real relationship, this that I have with myself and my thoughts.

This post has been a draft for the longest time. Everytime I sit to carry on where I left of the last time, I either get distracted or start editing what I typed previously. So I’m going to make sure I leave the old words as they are. And add more things, as and when they come to me.

I have cut out; news, tabloid, gossip etc.. I am subscribed to blogs, magazines, websites and forums that are in line with my vision of being a balanced and serene soul. Look, I am really loud and colourful, so maybe serene won’t happen. Much. But everything that I have implemented has helped me calm the fuck down when I have to. I can safely say what I’m doing, is working for ME and MINE. And I need to work on this Reality (TRASHY TV) that I binge on.

I think i’ll leave this here. I can always post another, maybe as a continuation or sequel? I know this is not everything I have learnt, or everything I will ever know. So yes, I shall chop and change. It is my blog, my rules. *allow these moments… power struggles are real*

In closing… I remember being so bitter that I watched a movie and always quoted a woman saying “bitterness is better left in someone else’s cup”
I now know better. Bitterness is not better in any shape, cup, size, or form. It must just be eliminated.

Toast to #growth

Love and Laughter
XO

 

 

Back on the gram

So last week I went back online, on insta. I think I sat with a selfie for a good day, trying to think of a caption. And I wanted to make it about my hair, I am so in love with it!!! But I didn’t, I let it speak for itself.

 

This made me nervous. Really really anxious. I cannot tell you why. I love the photo, I love the person in it. Why was I nervous? I tried telling people this, one didn’t care and asked me what I’m scared of and added something like how I shouldn’t let a platform have so much power over me, I know she meant well – but this wasn’t what I wanted to hear, maybe needed to hear, but definitely not WANTED. The other mocked me and called me “Mzwakhe Mbuli” because my captions tend to be loooooooong and so over dramatized. LOL. I received this one a little better.
The reception was great. From the very people I missed while I was off. It’s amazing how powerful these relationships we make with strangers online is.

I am a loner. I have always been. I have trust issues, purely from poor experiences with people in the past. I have been an intensely naive person, from the earliest of stages in my life. And this has gotten me burnt, literally – I was once burned by a cup of boiling tea when I was about 10, which til this day I don’t know whether it was accidental or intentional. A story for another day. I will title it – “accident prone”

Having been such a loner and private child, I learnt to befriend books and TV. I made a few imaginary friends, but they were all in me and I acted them out so my friends were never outside of me. One of the reasons I have always wanted to be an actor, there are so many people inside me LOL – I am not clinically insane – FYI. My friends were my family and books. I was an academic and enjoyed the attention I got at school for this. So I never was lonely.

My sister, sometimes I blame her for everything, is the person who brought mxit home. I did not know of this world. Where everyone was connected online and there were chat-rooms. I still blame her for introducing me to people who managed to crawl under my skin and leave me with the most biter of tastes in my mouth! Now Now Censh, calm down, you survived, you are well, you are kind and you blessed.

So, she introduced both Mama and I and we were hooked. It progressed to other platforms and was a spiral (I will let you decide what kind) from there on. As the years went by, I discovered MySpace, Facebook and by then it was too late. I had made “friends” who followed me everywhere. It seemed like everyone knew everyone and this once shy and reserved child knew and was known by everyone. I met people like me, there were not a lot like me where I come from. I was always different and these platforms allowed to to express and tap into all these things that were hidden or just not common. I was happy. I felt free. I felt understood and supported. Until no one had my back when I needed them the most. {insert fake LOL here} Life will never be the same.

I’ve been back a week and already can spot the things that made me leave in the first place, but I must mention that things that made me go back outweigh those that made me want out. And that’s a good thing. In my eyes. I have formed some really nourishing relationships with strangers on this platform. I am appreciative of their existence in my cyber life and I am extra grateful that our paths crossed. I will continue to nurture and nourish these relationships as well as they have done to and with me.

I won’t be as active. I’m busy with round 2 of this semester’s assignments and prepping for my finals. Also, I want to work on spending more time here. This space feels genuine.
Most of the people who read my posts have good intentions for me… I said MOST. I am naive nomore. {flex bicep here}

Shout out to Malebo, Monni and Lola (she probably hasn’t in a while) for mentioning that they’ve read these posts and liked them.  And mostly Zinzi, she doesn’t have a choice really, I send her my link whenever I post something and force her to read. She’s my friend. I can get away with it. {insert the biggest grin here}

Love and Laughter!

XO

 

 

Ain’t it fun?

Happy song by Paramore with a “boohoo” undertone.

SO. You are all grown. In the big bad world. With no one to save you. You sad?
Tough!
Deal with it.

We all have different backgrounds. Some of us were smothered with so much love and attention. And you grow up thinking this is what love and the world is. Over protective. Affectionate. And always together. Until you meet those independent children. Children deprived of all of this. Children who have their own idea of love and “family”. You sit around in groups and circles and find out that there are people who didn’t know affection until their very first physical and intimate encounters. Or that to them,community means people beaming up and being happy to see you only because you can do something for them. Or even, being okay with buying people’s time and affection. And they in turn become parents with the same values and love “style”. Imagine a world with adults who were neglected children? Who either become smothering parents or like their own parents. But this is not on parenting. At least not yet.

Where was I? Ah, different backgrounds. Yes. I suppose that’s what makes us all so interesting.

So what are you going to do when the world don’t orbit around you?
Coz… where you’re from, they know you. They know when you’re mad and hurt. Heck they care when you are!!! But out here, everyone is fighting their own war. This is about being on your own, regardless of what you know or have known. This is about being thrown in at the deep end and being told to SWIM! No, not stay along the edges. But to swim to the other end. To make it. To survive while living. And guess what? There is no lifeline being thrown at you. No one is coming to save you. And you shouldn’t really expect them to. I mean, they have their own shit going on. Right? I don’t know. I kinda thought that that’s what community is. Being there. For others. And having them be there for you too. That maybe if I shared all this love that I got, with people who don’t even know what it looks like, that I could save the world. Or at least A WORLD. But, they have to be ready to receive it and to be saved. 🙂

I’d like to talk about parenting one day. Maybe when i’m a parent? Or maybe when I feel like blaming my mother for the way I turned out. LOL!!! And if make it about her it will be about the bubble she kept me in… the bubble without any trouble!

Ain’t it fun?!

***dances away singing “don’t go crying to your mama coz you’re on your own in the real world”***

Jhene Aiko

This woman’s music is the truth. She feeds my soul with beauty. I love her. I don’t tire from her songs. This is one of my favorites. They are all my favorite by the way. I will post more.  

Whoever you are. Wherever you are. Whatever you’re going through, trust that it will pass. This is for you. 

W.A.Y.S.
At forty-four minutes to four

An angel walked up to my door

Opened the windows to my soul

Told me he thinks that I should know

That there’s no slowing down

As the globe spins ’round and ’round

You gotta keep going, gotta keep going

Gotta keep going, you gotta keep going

Gotta keep going, you gotta keep going

You gotta keep going, you gotta keep going

You gotta keep going
If there’s one thing that I learned

While in those county lines

It’s that everything takes time

You have gotta lose your pride

You have gotta lose your mind

Just to find your peace of mind

You have got to trust the signs

Everything will turn out fine
So why aren’t you smiling? Why aren’t you smiling?

Life can get wild when, you caught in the whirl wind

Lost in the whirl wind, you’re chasing the wind

You gotta understand

There’s really no end, there’s really no beginning

There’s really no real, there’s really no pretending

There’s really no fail, there’s really no winning

Cause nothing really is and everything really isn’t
At forty-four minutes to four

An angel walked up to my door

Opened the windows to my soul

Told me he thinks that I should know

That life only gets harder but you gotta get stronger

This is for my brother, I do this for my daughter

That’s why I keep going, that’s why I keep going

That’s why I keep going

That’s why I keep going, I gotta keep going

I gotta keep going, I gotta keep going

I gotta keep going, gotta keep going

Gotta keep going
I gotta show them, that I can keep going

I gotta keep going, I gotta keep going

I gotta keep going
Why aren’t you smiling? Why aren’t you smiling?

Life can get wild when, you caught in the whirl wind

Lost in the whirl wind, you’re chasing the wind

You gotta understand

There’s really no end, there’s really no beginning

There’s really no real, there’s really no pretending

There’s really no fail, there’s really no winning

Cause nothing really is and everything really isn’t

That’s why I keep going

Sugar in my bowl

I’ve just made myself a cup of tea. Raspberry flavored.
My office ran out of sugar and I had to borrow from my friend downstairs. I’ve always been fascinated with that word “borrow”. According to my knowledge, education and Google – of course – to borrow means: to take and use (something belonging to someone else) with the intention of returning it. How then do I intend on returning sugar I’ve already used?
Funny stuff really.

Still on borrowing. There is this idea of living on borrowed time. I am so aware of this, that sometimes I have to catch myself and re-wire my brain and shift from it. I understand that it is important to know this. That it helps us to be more present, to be more appreciative of time. I’m in no way arguing that this is not. I am however, weary of over exercising it. I find that with this constant knowledge and with it popping in at the times you feel the most alive and have a rush of life flowing through your veins!!!! you sort of leave that happy moment are reminded of how impermanent it all is. I also find that it is in those times that I remember, which turns into missing, those I have lost – permanently. I practice gratitude, on all levels. I practice it by always counting the blessings in every experience. Observing and applying the fundamentals of balance. How with every evil there’s good. And so on. So whenever the feeling of loss attempts to consume me – I say attempt because that’s all it can ever do really. It will NEVER consume me. It tried. It failed. My borrowed time doesn’t allow for such *insert fist in the air here* – I let it do its thing. I let myself be transported through the emotions associated with whatever loss it is that has come to me. I feel like I should make an example. So I will: the most recent is my friend, and that is always at the top of the list. Especially now, with all the changes happening in my life. My encounters with people. My mood swings. My euphoria. My challenges and triumphs. I always want to tell her. I want to pick up the phone and tell her “It is really happening. I can’t believe it. I am so happy. I am scared. I want it so bad. OMG OMG OMG” Yes, with all those theatrics, she got them. LOL!
How do I find the balance for this? I recall the great times. How I was afforded an opportunity to be understood on this level. How I HAD for sure, someone who accepted me just as I am. Someone who didn’t need to make up excuses for going hard for me.

I was borrowed time with her. And had to, in a sense, return her. 🙂
But for years, many years, I had Sugar in my bowl.

So, here is to not only understanding the impermanence of it all but to embracing it fully.
And to gratitude and the ability to recognize moments worthy thereof. Big or small.
And most of all, to being loved. Enough. Over and Over and Over again.
❤