Relationshipically nyised!

Two thousand and eighteen. The year with many years in it. A whole WOW!!!

So in this one year alone I have managed to get myself in the same sticky situation too many times. I have managed to convince myself of things I would never ever have in any other situation. Ei, I screwed myself hard and the wrong way.

I’ve moved 6 times in this year alone. SIX TIMES!!! Half of the times were always back to a place I should’ve known was not for me the very first time I left. But because I need remedial lessons in the relationship department… LMFAO. And I truly and deeply believed that was my home. I went against all I know and always say about never making homes out of people’s hearts… and did just that. I made a home out of a heart, one I have loved so dearly and for the longest time.

I believe I know better now. Too much has happened, I have lost more than I have gained, and it is safe to say there is nothing there for me anymore. I believe this more than I can explain!

I went to find healing at the place I was hurt, redundant much?

It has all changed now, I feel like I have somewhat of a new life. A new lease of life. I’m on that new new and I like it a great deal! I won’t say too much lest I jinx the good flow! But all I know is…

I am so grateful for the kind of support I’ve had in the past couple of months. I feel lucky and loved. And it is these connections that have me convinced I am not as bad as this situation has made me feel over the years and that I truly am worthy of love, time and affection. And that my cup can be filled again!!!

THANK YOU 😊

 

 

GROWN ASS WOMAN

I copied this from  Sam’s Blog because everyone needs to see it.

“Surprisingly Age Appropriate”

There’s something about it. Something about that type of independence and confidence. The kind that only comes with experience. The kind that only comes with time and having fought your own battles. Something about being resourceful and working for what you want. Being kind cause you’re too busy minding your own. And only time can teach you that. Something magnetic about a Grown Ass Woman.

Betting to yourself that she knows exactly what she wants. Bet she wouldn’t be afraid to tell you either. No games or wondering. She doesn’t throw her time away. She takes care of herself so she can take care of others, not so she can advertise. A lady is still a lady even if she’s down to be silly, get dirty and not worry about her fucking makeup, hair or some bullshit pair of shoes. She’s too sure of her worth to give a shit about taking other women down. She knows what she needs. She’s intelligently open about all of it. That’s maturity. Sexy as hell.

There’s more to it than assuredness and responsibility. More to it than taking care of your family. And more to it than having earned your own shit. A hell of a lot more.

I don’t need to hear that you’re an asskicker or some sort of rebel. Don’t care. Cause I’ll see it and hear it in your words. Over time. That you’ve challenged yourself. You’ve failed. You’ve succeeded. You’ve loved, been burnt and done the burning. You’ve wanted, been wanted and been rejected. You trusted, you took those leaps of faith. You fell. You rose up. Through lean and plush times you learned who you are. What you’re capable of. And what you aren’t. And you own every fucking bit of it. The world was never out to get you. No fault to be placed.

There’s a true story and history to a Real Woman.

It’s knowing your value and your shortcomings. Respecting your body. You’ve learned to accept yourself so you can accept others right where they are. Your energy is spent bettering yourself, not trying to bend everyone else to your whims. You invest in heart, not what someone can do for you. That’s maturity. And you’ve got too much going for yourself to play it any other way.

I wish the Y, and Post-Millenial Z boys all my best. I’ve got it good up here with grown ass ladies. And I’m a better man for my friendship with each and every one. Decidedly not fucking around with anything less in any part of my life.

Back on the gram

So last week I went back online, on insta. I think I sat with a selfie for a good day, trying to think of a caption. And I wanted to make it about my hair, I am so in love with it!!! But I didn’t, I let it speak for itself.

 

This made me nervous. Really really anxious. I cannot tell you why. I love the photo, I love the person in it. Why was I nervous? I tried telling people this, one didn’t care and asked me what I’m scared of and added something like how I shouldn’t let a platform have so much power over me, I know she meant well – but this wasn’t what I wanted to hear, maybe needed to hear, but definitely not WANTED. The other mocked me and called me “Mzwakhe Mbuli” because my captions tend to be loooooooong and so over dramatized. LOL. I received this one a little better.
The reception was great. From the very people I missed while I was off. It’s amazing how powerful these relationships we make with strangers online is.

I am a loner. I have always been. I have trust issues, purely from poor experiences with people in the past. I have been an intensely naive person, from the earliest of stages in my life. And this has gotten me burnt, literally – I was once burned by a cup of boiling tea when I was about 10, which til this day I don’t know whether it was accidental or intentional. A story for another day. I will title it – “accident prone”

Having been such a loner and private child, I learnt to befriend books and TV. I made a few imaginary friends, but they were all in me and I acted them out so my friends were never outside of me. One of the reasons I have always wanted to be an actor, there are so many people inside me LOL – I am not clinically insane – FYI. My friends were my family and books. I was an academic and enjoyed the attention I got at school for this. So I never was lonely.

My sister, sometimes I blame her for everything, is the person who brought mxit home. I did not know of this world. Where everyone was connected online and there were chat-rooms. I still blame her for introducing me to people who managed to crawl under my skin and leave me with the most biter of tastes in my mouth! Now Now Censh, calm down, you survived, you are well, you are kind and you blessed.

So, she introduced both Mama and I and we were hooked. It progressed to other platforms and was a spiral (I will let you decide what kind) from there on. As the years went by, I discovered MySpace, Facebook and by then it was too late. I had made “friends” who followed me everywhere. It seemed like everyone knew everyone and this once shy and reserved child knew and was known by everyone. I met people like me, there were not a lot like me where I come from. I was always different and these platforms allowed to to express and tap into all these things that were hidden or just not common. I was happy. I felt free. I felt understood and supported. Until no one had my back when I needed them the most. {insert fake LOL here} Life will never be the same.

I’ve been back a week and already can spot the things that made me leave in the first place, but I must mention that things that made me go back outweigh those that made me want out. And that’s a good thing. In my eyes. I have formed some really nourishing relationships with strangers on this platform. I am appreciative of their existence in my cyber life and I am extra grateful that our paths crossed. I will continue to nurture and nourish these relationships as well as they have done to and with me.

I won’t be as active. I’m busy with round 2 of this semester’s assignments and prepping for my finals. Also, I want to work on spending more time here. This space feels genuine.
Most of the people who read my posts have good intentions for me… I said MOST. I am naive nomore. {flex bicep here}

Shout out to Malebo, Monni and Lola (she probably hasn’t in a while) for mentioning that they’ve read these posts and liked them.  And mostly Zinzi, she doesn’t have a choice really, I send her my link whenever I post something and force her to read. She’s my friend. I can get away with it. {insert the biggest grin here}

Love and Laughter!

XO

 

 

How I committed to staying off Instagram.

I do a lot of crazy stuff. Okay maybe I’ve gotten better at fucking up. Wait, that doesn’t make much sense. Doesn’t it mean that I am fucking up more? Like, a better fuck upper or fucker up? My head’s spinning!!!

So I have gone and posted that I am taking a break from Instagram (MY BELOVED) {insert theatrics and shit here} and have left my followers, all 4 of them. LOL. I kid. I have some really loyal people on there. People who like even the most random of posts. And I post EVERYDAY. Okay maybe not so much over the weekend because I’m either sleeping, snogging or just not in the mood. I think that’s when I live. LOL.
But now I announced this which adds even more pressure coz I like, “legit” (I’m tryna sound hip) cannot go back on my word. So I have to stick to it. I have to not be on there. Posting shit. And liking shit. Which I do a lot. I like liking. And it never means more than that to me. It means I like your stuff. To ME it is “hey, I saw this post, I am acknowledging it and here is proof” And when I really really really love it, I will leave a comment. I’m going to miss that. I am going to miss my little community. As warped and deranged as that sounds. I am going to miss that little life. With everyone that I know is checking up/ in on me instead of picking up the phone and calling me. With everyone that never likes or comments OR EVEN FOLLOW (yes, that is really a thing and I have decided to call them ghost followers. I said this first OKAY!!!!) but can give me a rundown on my daily posts LOL!

My page was started from scratch.With minimal migration from my Facebook days and failed twitter life LOL!!!!! I promise, I had like 200+ twitter followers. It was ridiculous. Maybe one day I’ll try again. I hated talking to myself publicly – okay not so much when I was drunk and watching soppy films. hahahahah!!!
Insta has made it to 700+ and that’s pretty cool. I know I lost all the followers I had gained from my lingerie shoot. LOL! They found out that there is actually more depth to me. And that I like my clothes on. 😛

I really appreciate the few friends I have made and met on Instagram. The laughs and appreciation I received for my posts. The outlet it has been. Social media is a great platform. It is powerful and influential. It can open up a whole new world. Which it has for a loner such as myself.
I’d like my pages everywhere to leave a mark. To have an impact. On someone. If not everyone. Talk about ambition. I am a marketing student. It’s time I focused, I might learn a thing or two on promoting myself and my beliefs. LOL – thank you, thank you. That was my acceptance speech for the everything award.

I’m really going to miss Instagram. I’m going to be such a pest to my people. My poor poor lover!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😦

The truth is, I have lived a pretty open life. Open in the sense that I know a lot of people – yes, there was a time I used to love people a lot – and in the short space of time they’ve known me, they have experienced a lot of shit go down in my life. Stuff I would rather they didn’t see or know about me. I’ve been honest and very forthcoming about my struggles. And the world just wasn’t ready for that. It’s amazing how it is now only that people are “woke” to the okayness of not being okay. How everyone wants to share their deepest and darkest stories without being judged because it is “okay” and “hip” to do so. LOL this is already another post. And I digress!
I have been so caught up with being okay and making sure that it is obvious that the second I find myself having a moment of letting myself feel whatever is happening, I feel the need to snap out of it lest I be seen as that same old kid who “loves being sad” and being forced to unlearn everything I am and dishonouring my true-self for the sake of likes (in this case, being deemed cool). The reality is, I don’t want to be a robot. I am a feeler. And cannot apologize for that. I will not.

I am at a really good place.Probably the best I have known since my early teens. I am happy. I am free. I am light. I am in love. I am making love. I am getting the degree I’ve wanted for the longest time. And I do not want to cheapen the experience by trying to find photos that represent it. I have the words. But InstaGlam is not ready for this. So I shall type it all up here.

And now to finish this post off. With another commitment. hehehehehe… I am on a roll.
4 Blogs a week! #LETSGO
This is post #1

“Woke”

I know you’ve heard, said and read this before:

Life is tricky.

Is it? Or are we just not present enough?
I’ll get into more detail:
I have found that being present is not a foreign concept. Or even ONLY for a special kind of people. Yes we have to be conscious of it. We have to be conscious. We have to observe ourselves and our surroundings and our position in the universe. Being in the moment, in the now. This is what my peers now refer to as being “woke” – being awake to what is. Being awake to the TRUE reality of what is.

I find that it is the moments when I am not fully present that I am caught off-guard.
When I exist instead of being alert and aware of what is happening to and around me, things (mostly negative) affect me easier and quicker. It’s easy to get a reaction out of me when I am not in tune/ balance. When I am not observing myself and my surroundings.
A good example, for me anyways, is when having a conversation with a loved one; If I don’t strip them of all that I know them to be and the things that make them tick, I will easily discard what they are saying and take comfort in “she’s that person”. Whereas, If I gave them a chance as another being, and I will stretch this a little farther and say as a “stranger” I would consciously and deliberately grant them the understanding that they need. But by listening to answer / reply instead of to comprehend  and fully take in what they are saying – I distort their message. Sure, I will sometimes need to understand the person they are in order to get their message, but this should in no way cripple them. Being woke empowers me to apply the necessary amount of “handling” for a particular person. But a fresh and unbiased set of ears is possibly one of the greatest gifts we afford anyone that has a message for us. Yes?

Taking cognizance of the fact that we do not approach things and issues the same way allows for the right amount of sensitivity to be practiced and applied. Then perhaps our messages will be relayed and received as intended.

I hope this resonates with you. It came from an argument that should have never happened. I was just too quick to react and my defense was on overdrive. I, as I’ve been told on many occasions, “POPPED OFF” *turns crimson*
We Live and We Learn.

XOXO

 

From the spot above your top lip to the hair on your big toe…