I want it so bad!!

So…
I’m a really good diagnose-r, especially of the self. I have only just recently been able to apply it to others, close people of course.
But I’ve gotten very good at pointing out and actually naming what’s “wrong” with me. Remedies and cures are still in the pipeline.
Diagnosing my loved ones and helping them articulate what they are feeling and experiencing has been an interesting ride. I have found that it in turn helps harness how I deal with myself too.

I am more of practical than theoretical. I can read and be told a million things but until I experience them first hand, I won’t believe them. This is perhaps why it took me years to finally pick up a  “self help” book. Because I knew those words would be just that, words. They wouldn’t translate to messages or lessons. Here is where I’m going with this. I have read and listened to many motivational and encouraging books and podcasts and have been hooked on positivity and the REAL application of it in my life. This happened only because things started making sense.

A while ago, I learnt the art of detaching. Removing myself completely from a situation and standing firm in the belief that what is meant for me will NEVER miss me. I believe this with all my might. I have seen it work. And I have shared it with my people. They have bought into it. Now, because this shit (life) gets tricky sometimes; I am in a position where I want something really REALLY bad and I know how significantly detaching would serve me. But I want this so bad. So So SO MUCH!!! I don’t know how to sit in the passenger seat this one time and let what happens happen. I’m out here trying to find glitches and loopholes in the universe just to let me hold on to this and see it come true. Without losing myself in its uncertainty and have it consume me only to spit me out because it wasn’t meant to be.

I think I just reminded myself of it’s power in that last sentence. I’ll let it rest.
I’ll leave it out there. Even thought I know… I want it so bad!

❤

“Energy”

When you stumble on an old song and realize how hectic the lyrics really were.
She must’ve been going throught the most.

I wish I could rip out a page of my memory
’cause I put to much energy in him and me
Can’t wait till I get through this phase
’cause it’s killing me
Too bad we can’t re-write our own history

Such a mystery when he’s here with me
It’s hard to believe I’m still lonely
Chances fading now, patience running out
This ain’t how it’s supposed to be

I’m having nightmares from sleeping with the enemy
How do we re-reverse the chemistry
I don’t want us to be the end of me
This love is taking all of my energy
Energy, my energy
Taking all my energy
Energy, my energy
Taking all of (my energy)

Seems only like yesterday, not even gravity
Could keep your feet off the ground when you go to me
How can two be as one
We’ve become to divided now
There’s no use hiding from my misery

Now I can feel a change in me
And I can’t afford to slip much further
From the person I was meant to be
I’m not afraid to walk alone
Not give it up but moving on
Before it gets too deep
’cause you’re taking all of my energy

You’re killing me
You’re taking all of me yeah, oh
This love is taking all of my energy

Miss Keri-baby
Whatever happened to her…

Also, this song sounds like I wrote it.

 

 

Stressed out

So I am 27 and will be 28 in a month.
The last exam I sat down for was way back in 2006. The course had been such a breeze that I didn’t even feel the exam.

Fast forward… it’s 2016. I sit for my first exam for the semester tomorrow. The last semester of the year. It’s my favorite module. But I am freaking the fuck out. Like majorly. For all the tests I’m about to take. Maybe it has to do with the end of the year. I am anxious and a bundle of nerves. I want to do well. This feels like exams in high school, especially finals in grade 12. I would have bad dreams and hardly slept. My dreams ranged from me pitching to the exam room in pajamas and not being allowed to write because one of  rules is that you be there in full school uniform. In the other dream, the words are floating around on the pages. MY POOR YOUNG LIFE. I survived. I am here now.

These coming exams are stressing me out just as much. If not more. I just feel like too much is happening, like life is asking too much of me. Like everything wants a piece of me, a good piece of me. I am not dealing. I am not dumb. I know I’ll do well. But I want to do very well. I am too old to be messing around. This is MY money I am spending on this degree. It is my time. I need to prove to myself and anyone I will approach for a job in this field that I am serious.
I am not crazy about a piece of paper. I am in this for the long haul, I want the education. The knowledge. The skills. And ultimately the application thereof.

I’m still freaking out. I’m still a mess. I need a pill for all the theories floating around in my head. HELP. I’ve removed everything that’s a distraction on my phone. I am praying, meditating, studying and doing everything under the sun to get me through. But yoh, kyanyeka mfethu. (I can’t translate, it’s just got to do with shit and me doing it)

Can I just wake up with a degree, an established career, my dream cars, a house and married to my love and have a little one on the way.

Signed,
Stressed the fuck out.

*side note* This post would’ve actually make a good video/ vlog!