I want it so bad!!

So…
I’m a really good diagnose-r, especially of the self. I have only just recently been able to apply it to others, close people of course.
But I’ve gotten very good at pointing out and actually naming what’s “wrong” with me. Remedies and cures are still in the pipeline.
Diagnosing my loved ones and helping them articulate what they are feeling and experiencing has been an interesting ride. I have found that it in turn helps harness how I deal with myself too.

I am more of practical than theoretical. I can read and be told a million things but until I experience them first hand, I won’t believe them. This is perhaps why it took me years to finally pick up a  “self help” book. Because I knew those words would be just that, words. They wouldn’t translate to messages or lessons. Here is where I’m going with this. I have read and listened to many motivational and encouraging books and podcasts and have been hooked on positivity and the REAL application of it in my life. This happened only because things started making sense.

A while ago, I learnt the art of detaching. Removing myself completely from a situation and standing firm in the belief that what is meant for me will NEVER miss me. I believe this with all my might. I have seen it work. And I have shared it with my people. They have bought into it. Now, because this shit (life) gets tricky sometimes; I am in a position where I want something really REALLY bad and I know how significantly detaching would serve me. But I want this so bad. So So SO MUCH!!! I don’t know how to sit in the passenger seat this one time and let what happens happen. I’m out here trying to find glitches and loopholes in the universe just to let me hold on to this and see it come true. Without losing myself in its uncertainty and have it consume me only to spit me out because it wasn’t meant to be.

I think I just reminded myself of it’s power in that last sentence. I’ll let it rest.
I’ll leave it out there. Even thought I know… I want it so bad!

❤

“Energy”

When you stumble on an old song and realize how hectic the lyrics really were.
She must’ve been going throught the most.

I wish I could rip out a page of my memory
’cause I put to much energy in him and me
Can’t wait till I get through this phase
’cause it’s killing me
Too bad we can’t re-write our own history

Such a mystery when he’s here with me
It’s hard to believe I’m still lonely
Chances fading now, patience running out
This ain’t how it’s supposed to be

I’m having nightmares from sleeping with the enemy
How do we re-reverse the chemistry
I don’t want us to be the end of me
This love is taking all of my energy
Energy, my energy
Taking all my energy
Energy, my energy
Taking all of (my energy)

Seems only like yesterday, not even gravity
Could keep your feet off the ground when you go to me
How can two be as one
We’ve become to divided now
There’s no use hiding from my misery

Now I can feel a change in me
And I can’t afford to slip much further
From the person I was meant to be
I’m not afraid to walk alone
Not give it up but moving on
Before it gets too deep
’cause you’re taking all of my energy

You’re killing me
You’re taking all of me yeah, oh
This love is taking all of my energy

Miss Keri-baby
Whatever happened to her…

Also, this song sounds like I wrote it.

 

 

Her heart- Anthony Hamilton

I can never sing this song without that resident throat lump joining in…

I had a habit of messing up
Staying out late and getting drunk
I let you down a thousand times
Broken promises
It’s like I ran away from you
My career was my excuse
Until I saw you about to drown in your own tears

And as you cried in my arms 
You woke up my heart 
And I saw again what I found in you 
Cuz her heart, her heart wont let me lose her 
No matter how I try 
I just cant say goodbye and lose her 

When all the folks were said and done
You were there to welcome me home
I was convicted cuz your love never wavered
I know you love me more than me
And you vowed to love through anything
I never had a kind of love that was forever

Her heart wont let me lose her.

Signed,
My heart and all it needs.
❤

I won’t make you pay for their sins

 

That’s all.

❤

 

 

Patience

There are things I’ve learnt along the way. Things I had once unlearnt.

I learnt an immeasurable amount of  patience. The kind of patience that never asks. The kind of patience that never wavers. But just is. See, somewhere along the line I acquainted myself with the question “and then what” where actions have reactions and before I act, I know there’ll be a reaction. How does this tie into patience? The kind of patience I learnt was always backed up with how I would react if I didn’t maintain the level thereof. This also led to trusting in the process, knowing that whatever will be will be.

My patience also owes is strength to the constant reminder to be still. To know and remember that where I am right now will only change if I move. That the stillness is actually a way of grounding myself. Letting myself go through it by going through it. It being whatever is happening and threatens my patience and peace.

My patience also is kind. It sees the silver lining and forgets the cloud in its entirety. No, really. I don’t believe in half doing anything. I’m not going to be patient and understanding but still “be ready” for the clouds to let out some rain that may lead to storms and disturb the core of this patience I had to learn, for my sanity. No. I need the kind of patience that is kind and patient.

My patience has its own inner peace. Inner peace. I struggle with that a lot. Like… does it mean being calm? With everything and everyone? Does it automatically kick in when things (life) goes into overdrive? Is it contagious? I’d really like to get answers to those questions. Some day.

If I could talk to my patience I’d ask it how it is able to keep zen through it all. How it is unwavering. Many have called it foolish, I am one of them.

Blue Dream

My addiction. Love. Bet you didn’t know it was a drug.
Well… I will take the honor of being the first to break it to you. 🙂

Addiction: the state of being; infatuated with, obsessed with, in love with, devoted to something, but in my case – someone.

Infatuated.

We were coastin’ on the coast when you opened my eyes
Made me notice where the ocean was holding the sky, right.
I was blinded, your smile shining behind those green eyes
The horizon so enticing, please, say you’ll be mine

Obsessed.

Don’t wake me up cause I’m in love with all that you are
You make me see the truth in things, I think that you are
The remedy for everything it seems that you are
The truth itself ’cause nothing else can take me so far

In love.

My afternoon dream when
The world is speedin’
I am still sleepin’
In my blue dream and
I know the meaning
For all the seasons
You are the reason,
My love

Devoted.

My mind is open
So wide since you came inside
I feel so alive
Without you life just passes by, passes by, passes by

Please, please, don’t wake me up.

My afternoon dream when
The world is sleeping
I am still thinking
Of my blue dream
It’s bliss..

– Jhene and I ❤