People who know how to put your feelings in a song…

Hey, Long time. I know. I’m sorry, I will make a return – it will be gradual.

So… I was sortta drowning in feelings – something that’s happening a lot lately ( read for the last 400 days of my life ha!) And I came across this song. And yeah, ima share…

I think it’s time we confronted the situation in front of us And I think it’s time we talk it out and forget all the fuss And if it’s not me, I’ll have to understand and I’ll be out your way No drama involved But if you feel it’s me, if you feel I’m the one You’re gonna have to make a way for me to see it

But as for me you’re the one And in my heart our time will come
Till the end imma always be right by your side
But as for me you’re the one
And in my heart our time will come
Till the end imma always be right by your side
I know you’re the one I know our time will come
I feel you in my heart
I see you in my dreams
I keep you in my prayers

I think it’s time you admit that I’m the only one for you yeah
And I think it’s time, you let go of all your fears
And just trust me babe cause I know your heart
And I know this isn’t what you’re meant to do
You have pure intentions what is the issue
So just open up and let me see inside
Maybe you should just put your pride aside

I know we can make it baby take a chance on me
Let me show you good times baby take a chance on us
Take a chance on us

 I know you’re the one
I know our time will come
I feel you in my heart
I see you in my dreams
I keep you in my prayers

Sung by Elaine, a musician from South Africa ❤

I need to be loved like this yo!!!

I want it so bad!!

So…
I’m a really good diagnose-r, especially of the self. I have only just recently been able to apply it to others, close people of course.
But I’ve gotten very good at pointing out and actually naming what’s “wrong” with me. Remedies and cures are still in the pipeline.
Diagnosing my loved ones and helping them articulate what they are feeling and experiencing has been an interesting ride. I have found that it in turn helps harness how I deal with myself too.

I am more of practical than theoretical. I can read and be told a million things but until I experience them first hand, I won’t believe them. This is perhaps why it took me years to finally pick up a  “self help” book. Because I knew those words would be just that, words. They wouldn’t translate to messages or lessons. Here is where I’m going with this. I have read and listened to many motivational and encouraging books and podcasts and have been hooked on positivity and the REAL application of it in my life. This happened only because things started making sense.

A while ago, I learnt the art of detaching. Removing myself completely from a situation and standing firm in the belief that what is meant for me will NEVER miss me. I believe this with all my might. I have seen it work. And I have shared it with my people. They have bought into it. Now, because this shit (life) gets tricky sometimes; I am in a position where I want something really REALLY bad and I know how significantly detaching would serve me. But I want this so bad. So So SO MUCH!!! I don’t know how to sit in the passenger seat this one time and let what happens happen. I’m out here trying to find glitches and loopholes in the universe just to let me hold on to this and see it come true. Without losing myself in its uncertainty and have it consume me only to spit me out because it wasn’t meant to be.

I think I just reminded myself of it’s power in that last sentence. I’ll let it rest.
I’ll leave it out there. Even thought I know… I want it so bad!

❤

The Universal Energy Doesn’t Lie

So…

My beautiful friends always humour me and engage me on the stuff I blog about.
I always enjoy the interaction and emotions I invoke from them.
Some receive this as clear as I intend – moments I cherish!

The situationship conversation has been one of my favourites. I read and reread and feel like I didn’t write it. I couldn’t have. Me? Professional mistake maker?! HA!!!
So, whoever it is that I channel and wherever it is that I go to… is welcome. All of it. May it stay!

My love for strangers is one I will NEVER give up.
My latest regular fix has been uber drivers. They make my days **insert young thug tear here**
On my in to work this morning, I got into my usual “deep” convos and the driver (as always) was more than willing to engage. Fully.
This one in particular had me feeling like “dude are you like stalking me or something? you read my blog don’t you”

Our conversation was mostly about how one should never ever listen to nay-sayers. Especially if what they are saying no to is YOUR life and YOUR future etc. We discussed the importance of knowing what you want and going for it… because no matter how many sticky notes and wishes you can have up in your room (i’m this girl HA!) things don’t fall out of the sky anymore, Manna is history. Literally.
You have to be deliberate and put in the work. Because luck is when preparation meets opportunity… Right?

We went in!!!! And my soul was on fire and I was like yasssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It went to church real quick.

As the trip drew to a close. He said “young lady… I like the way you think. Please do me this one favour: make sure whoever you date, is on your level. Make sure they want the same things. I would hate for all this fire to be met by a stream of water that will wash it down. Burn baby burn”

I mean?!!!

Signed,
A soul on fire
❤

Situationships Part #1 – Head over heels

I’ve found that I write the best when I feel the most. And this is one of those times. So I FEEL this might be one of those… the best. Hey, if I don’t hype myself up who will?

Situationships…

Those things we form by getting involved with people; friendships, romantic relationships and professional relationships. All of those. Bonds and ties.
There is a lot of work that goes into these and I find that we tend to thrust ourselves into them without really giving them much thought or having looked into the particular person(s) you’re about to get into something with. I can keep this broad and general but this post will end up longer than planned. So, I am going to narrow it down and focus it on romantic relationships. Seeing as I have ALL this experience. HAHA!!!

Getting into a romantic relationship with someone should only be done if we are absolutely sure and confident that it is what we want. If the person is what we want. Yes?
I’m not fond of checklists, but maybe they work. Worth a shot really.
I’ve always been about feelings. What feels right. What feels good. If I vibe with a person on a certain level. And I’ve even gone as far as deciding that if the vibe (on that particular level) is strong enough, it may be enough to disguise or allow me to overlook other things. Errr… not very smart. Because time reveals layers that aren’t always visible during courting and well into the honeymoon phase. So, those things that you may have convinced yourself to be so minute, are actually great and ugly and stifling and in your face! ***the feelings in that last sentence. phew!!!***

So choosing. I’m such an advocate of free will and choosing and being sure and and and. LOL! Let’s be real. I am no spring chicken so I should know what I’m talking about and what I want. Right? – Yes. Without all that pressure.
There should be a way to measure someone’s maturity and stability, I think. To gauge where a person is in their lives before you get into something with them. Look, this applies to long term and short term romances. Whether you’re looking for a long lasting commitment or just a fling for the summer. The point is that this person will be in your life and it’s wise to know (or sort of get an idea of) just what they want and are about and see if it fits into what you want too.

Imagine how bumming it would be to have worked on yourself for a long time and have gotten yourself to a great place where all that flows out of you are good vibes and you end up meeting and falling for someone who isn’t as okay with them-self to begin with and is therefore unable to (okay maybe struggles with more than being unable to) meet you with the same zeal and thirst for a positive life? This is that serving from an empty cup, because this is what that it leads to. You will try to water them in the hopes of growing and nurturing them into a strong and sturdy tree but that is not where they are.
And your efforts are in vain. They can only meet you as far as they’ve met themself.

Strength is when you can stand alone. And meeting someone who can stand alone too while with you is even better.

Logic tends to fly out the window where emotions are concerned. LOL. We relax a lot more when we are in lust with someone that we easily overlook all the not so nice parts of them (behavior more than anything). Things we would never ever miss if we were dealing with something else. I am all for going with the flow, with being in the moment and being there fully. However, please take your head with you. You need it!

I feel like this needs a part 2. Because I know I can go and on and on. So, let’s park it here.

❤

“Energy”

When you stumble on an old song and realize how hectic the lyrics really were.
She must’ve been going throught the most.

I wish I could rip out a page of my memory
’cause I put to much energy in him and me
Can’t wait till I get through this phase
’cause it’s killing me
Too bad we can’t re-write our own history

Such a mystery when he’s here with me
It’s hard to believe I’m still lonely
Chances fading now, patience running out
This ain’t how it’s supposed to be

I’m having nightmares from sleeping with the enemy
How do we re-reverse the chemistry
I don’t want us to be the end of me
This love is taking all of my energy
Energy, my energy
Taking all my energy
Energy, my energy
Taking all of (my energy)

Seems only like yesterday, not even gravity
Could keep your feet off the ground when you go to me
How can two be as one
We’ve become to divided now
There’s no use hiding from my misery

Now I can feel a change in me
And I can’t afford to slip much further
From the person I was meant to be
I’m not afraid to walk alone
Not give it up but moving on
Before it gets too deep
’cause you’re taking all of my energy

You’re killing me
You’re taking all of me yeah, oh
This love is taking all of my energy

Miss Keri-baby
Whatever happened to her…

Also, this song sounds like I wrote it.

 

 

Her heart- Anthony Hamilton

I can never sing this song without that resident throat lump joining in…

I had a habit of messing up
Staying out late and getting drunk
I let you down a thousand times
Broken promises
It’s like I ran away from you
My career was my excuse
Until I saw you about to drown in your own tears

And as you cried in my arms 
You woke up my heart 
And I saw again what I found in you 
Cuz her heart, her heart wont let me lose her 
No matter how I try 
I just cant say goodbye and lose her 

When all the folks were said and done
You were there to welcome me home
I was convicted cuz your love never wavered
I know you love me more than me
And you vowed to love through anything
I never had a kind of love that was forever

Her heart wont let me lose her.

Signed,
My heart and all it needs.
❤

All or Nothing

I want it all or nothing at all.

I want the daily butterflies and the feeling of blood thickening in my veins.
I want the heatwave that seems to rush from my throat to my groin.
I want to always feel safe.
I want to be loved.
Respected. Appreciated. Protected. Heard

I want to be sure.

Sure about everything really. No half ass business. yes doubt may creep in, but I need to be able to dismiss it as nonsensical because that’s what it is, right?
Sure that those who have fought so hard to get into my space (it’s a fight and a half) have the best intentions at heart because I have nothing less for them.
Sure that my words don’t fall on deaf ears and are never used against me.

I need love.

The kind of love that understands that roses come with thorns and that the thorns mean them no harm but only serve as protection and preservation.
The kind of love that is bold. Loud. Proud. And is not determined or altered by space and time.
The kind of love that is patient and kind and shit.
The kind of love that is tailor made just for me.
The kind of love that knows there is so much more to everything.

This; ladies, gentlemen and gentle ladies, is a gamble and I want it all or nothing at all.

InnerCentia
❤

Suss out the Fluff.

SO!!!! We made it into two thousand and seventeen. Woooo hooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last year was tricky and messy AF. It gave me everything I’ve ever wanted and took everything I’ve ever had. Paradoxical much?

Because I am a present student of this thing called life, 2016 didn’t go by without any lessons. Yes, I will admit that I learnt some eagerly and will also need to relearn others.
I wasn’t ready. So I know I missed a few. And our good ol’ universe is ever so ready to repeat these until I finally get it. HA!!!!

I cried so much. The most I have ever. It’s the funniest thing ever. Because I experienced the joy I had been longing for. So why the tears? I have simply come to accept that I either hurt others (for hurting me or whatever) or I cry it all out.

I took the plunge and went back to school. LOL. Such torture that was. The balancing thereof with work, a full time relationship and life happening at a million WTFs per second. I made it out alive. Now to brave second year!

My divorce, that I hardly spoke about, was finalized. I thought I’d be happier and lighter. LOL. It’s the same shit, just legal. It had fizzled out a long time ago. I still want to get sloshed in the name of my decree LOL. Like they do it in the movies! I’m glad that’s done.

I said the following to a lady Uber driver (I was elated when I discovered I got a lady driver for once!!!!!!!!!!!)  on my way back from the court:

We can have every single thing we’ve ever wanted in life and still be miserable. Only if we don’t remember to look at them. Notice them. Celebrate them. Be grateful that despite the world bruising and and hurting, we have all of this.

I moved myself when I said this. Hahahaha!!! She was also taken aback. Such a sweet mama. I wish to ride with her again sometime in the future.

I learnt that I actually have the healthiest relationship with myself more than any other human or thing. I don’t know how I feel about being old, alone, wearing flowy dresses, a house full of crystals and spice&insense smelly hair. OMG I sound like my father’s aunt. ***if you’re reading this, save me. NOW***

Humans are fickle.
Humans are flawed.
I am flawed, but I understand and embrace my flaws – fully.
And maybe one day, as I try always, I will embrace the flaws of others. Dangerous territory, trust me, I know. I have the scars. But I will soldier on.

And in the meantime, I will continue to be nice to myself. As best as I can. I mean, I know my love language best after all. Haha!
I will continue to give myself all the apologies I need.
I will continue to be soft, gentle and real with and to myself. I need it.

So. Here is to more of the good and less (please God let there be none) of the not so good.
Here is to sussing out the fluff!!!

Happy New Year everyone.

❤

TWENTY EIGHT

So… I turned a year older yesterday. Whooopie!!!!!!!

I vlogged about how I feel and actually surprised myself at what I had to say.
I mentioned the things I am grateful for. One of them was the opportunity to be me. How crazy? Well, I am crazy aren’t I? But on the real, I am so happy that I was chosen to be ME!!!

Sure, it would’ve been nice to be some rich famous person like Kim K. LOL!!!!
But I am not. And that’s okay with me. I am me and I am the best version of me.
I love where I’ve been. I love where I’m going. And I’m learning to love and appreciate how I’ll get there. I get so teary eyed when I go through my list of things I am grateful for. I’m overwhelmed by the grace and mercy I’m given. It could all end at any second, but while I still have it, I am going to hold on tight!

I had a lovely and chilled out day with the love of my life. Someone I want to talk about all day and all night. But also want to protect. It’s crazy. But let me leave this here, I think the sun shines out her rear… she thinks so too. LOL.
I swear I’ve loved this human for a thousands years. I wish all of you meet and get to love someone as deeply as I do her. And yesterday, she went out of her way to make me feel special and it worked. I felt like the sun sets in my rear LMAO – this is getting nasty!!!

Back to gratitude and being 28… I get to do more. Live a little more. Isn’t it great? I get to do more of what I like. I get to be Me. I think I’ve run out of words now, an absolute first. Is this what growing older means? LOL!!!

Signed,
Older, grateful and wiser
❤

 

Exams are abusive

Yeah I said it. And you know it too.

Whenever something happens in my life that I feel is not pleasant, I always say “I did not sign up for this shit.” It’s my go to line. I heard myself say it in my head during one of my exams. In case you’re wondering how they were, I will go ahead and tell you. SHITTY. Shittest. Fucked up. Torturous. Not all of them, just those that I studied really hard for only to find that half the shit I was confident about didn’t even make it on to the damn paper.

I quickly remembered that I did sign up for this shit. Yes sir I did. I signed up and have the bills to prove it and weight loss and stress to go along with it. It’s all done now and I have to wait in agony for results I know are probably going to be just as shitty as the whole ordeal. I signed up for this shit. I signed up for it because I want to be stressed out for 3 years, I want to be tens of thousands of Rands broker. Because I am self sabotaging. I want to take on yet another challenge to boast about overcoming.  Because I want to have something to write about and complain about.

Okay. Enough drama. I need to find a better way of studying. For next year. And I hope, I really really really hope I didn’t flunk any and if I did, can I at least qualify for a sup {Lord Jesus, I never thought my life would ever come to this, me, Centia, talking about supping?! *SMH*} But yes, back to studying better or finding better ways. Can you believe I actually learnt new things during my exams??? ahahahahahahaha!!!!

I’m starting a study group. I’ve approached a few students and they are keen. Some are part time like myself and others are full time. I can’t be this person.
And now that I’ve seen where my weakness is, I can surely fix it. For now, I’m glad this shit is over. Dankie Modimo