Stressed out

So I am 27 and will be 28 in a month.
The last exam I sat down for was way back in 2006. The course had been such a breeze that I didn’t even feel the exam.

Fast forward… it’s 2016. I sit for my first exam for the semester tomorrow. The last semester of the year. It’s my favorite module. But I am freaking the fuck out. Like majorly. For all the tests I’m about to take. Maybe it has to do with the end of the year. I am anxious and a bundle of nerves. I want to do well. This feels like exams in high school, especially finals in grade 12. I would have bad dreams and hardly slept. My dreams ranged from me pitching to the exam room in pajamas and not being allowed to write because one of  rules is that you be there in full school uniform. In the other dream, the words are floating around on the pages. MY POOR YOUNG LIFE. I survived. I am here now.

These coming exams are stressing me out just as much. If not more. I just feel like too much is happening, like life is asking too much of me. Like everything wants a piece of me, a good piece of me. I am not dealing. I am not dumb. I know I’ll do well. But I want to do very well. I am too old to be messing around. This is MY money I am spending on this degree. It is my time. I need to prove to myself and anyone I will approach for a job in this field that I am serious.
I am not crazy about a piece of paper. I am in this for the long haul, I want the education. The knowledge. The skills. And ultimately the application thereof.

I’m still freaking out. I’m still a mess. I need a pill for all the theories floating around in my head. HELP. I’ve removed everything that’s a distraction on my phone. I am praying, meditating, studying and doing everything under the sun to get me through. But yoh, kyanyeka mfethu. (I can’t translate, it’s just got to do with shit and me doing it)

Can I just wake up with a degree, an established career, my dream cars, a house and married to my love and have a little one on the way.

Signed,
Stressed the fuck out.

*side note* This post would’ve actually make a good video/ vlog!

 

A letter to my 16 year old self.

Baby girl…

You are beautiful. And everything is going to be just fine.

I wish I could tell you how to live your life and how to do things differently. But that seems unfair. How then will you experience your true self? So I won’t. I’ll just tell you things you need to know, a  catch up session if you will 🙂

You are going to meet so many different people. Each one will leave you with a lesson you need at that particular time or to use later on. Just listen and receive.
You need to know that there are so many different kinds of people with different backgrounds out there. People you will find easy to understand because you had to learn a lot a lot sooner than most. There will be challenges. You will not be received everywhere as you are.  There will be those who are attracted by that light only with the intention of it rubbing off on them instead of just basking in it with you. This will hurt. You will give, give, give, and give until you don’t have anymore. And one day in your 20s you will learn that:

you cannot serve from an empty vessel

You will need to learn the right amount of selfishness. You also need to understand that not everybody is self aware. That some people are experiencing hardships in their late lives and fall apart later in life. And your own earlier experiences would’ve prepared you dealing with such.
You are going to meet broken toys. You will fall in love with them. You will want to play with them in their brokenness and want to fix them little by little.  This is a good thing, don’t ever stop. You are doing a great job with your current toy. You helped save him from the darkest hole.
Keep this up, with others too. Don’t tire. There is good everywhere and everybody needs love.

But please, baby girl please, make sure they want to be fixed. Please get consent. Otherwise you will only break your own self. Remember the empty vessel?
And most importantly – remember that people’s insecurities are just that, their own.
Try to not make them your own. You don’t have to walk in their shoes to help them, keep your light.

I know you are still hurting from losing Themba and Papa. Things are still pretty shaky where your are. You are going to meet someone that looks like them in 3 years. And you are going to love her for the longest time. Losing her will hurt and cut just like losing Themba did. You will lose her so many times in this one life. There is nothing I can do to prepare you for that turmoil. For the ups and downs you’ll go through with her. For the joy you’ll feel every time you look at her, the beauty and greatness you see when you listen to her and the newness of the love you feel for her all the time. Cherish those moments. As you will learn, forever is only as long as you make it.

You will make the deepest connections with YOUR people. You will know they are your people by how you vibe with them. Respect this. Honor this. Treasure this. Tell them, every chance you get. You are of a select few. Know your greatness. Plus honey babe, you are going to grow up in a digital world where you will meet more of yourself and it will feel like home. BASK!!!!

In closing… Don’t do anything differently. Love fully, love recklessly, live loud, live bold. Don’t half ass anything. You are different. Embrace that. Trust those people. Yes. Fuck up your credit score. Get married. Get divorced young. Hurt. Heal. Love again. Hurt again. Fix it all and don’t let it get back to being messed up. Take the good from every bad. Spread cheer. Stay in your magic.

I fucken love you!!!

PS.  You are going to add yourself as a contact on your phone and start chatting to yourself.This will go on for so many years and will beat journaling because they will look like texts send to you {laugh really loud}. You are going to tell yourself the most amazing things about yourself, you are going to believe yourself. You are going to be kind to yourself.  You are going to make yourself feel the way you work so hard to make others feel and for this, you will never be lonely!!!!

Love & all the light in the world.
Your 27 year old self.

❤

 

 

Patience

There are things I’ve learnt along the way. Things I had once unlearnt.

I learnt an immeasurable amount of  patience. The kind of patience that never asks. The kind of patience that never wavers. But just is. See, somewhere along the line I acquainted myself with the question “and then what” where actions have reactions and before I act, I know there’ll be a reaction. How does this tie into patience? The kind of patience I learnt was always backed up with how I would react if I didn’t maintain the level thereof. This also led to trusting in the process, knowing that whatever will be will be.

My patience also owes is strength to the constant reminder to be still. To know and remember that where I am right now will only change if I move. That the stillness is actually a way of grounding myself. Letting myself go through it by going through it. It being whatever is happening and threatens my patience and peace.

My patience also is kind. It sees the silver lining and forgets the cloud in its entirety. No, really. I don’t believe in half doing anything. I’m not going to be patient and understanding but still “be ready” for the clouds to let out some rain that may lead to storms and disturb the core of this patience I had to learn, for my sanity. No. I need the kind of patience that is kind and patient.

My patience has its own inner peace. Inner peace. I struggle with that a lot. Like… does it mean being calm? With everything and everyone? Does it automatically kick in when things (life) goes into overdrive? Is it contagious? I’d really like to get answers to those questions. Some day.

If I could talk to my patience I’d ask it how it is able to keep zen through it all. How it is unwavering. Many have called it foolish, I am one of them.

Blue Dream

My addiction. Love. Bet you didn’t know it was a drug.
Well… I will take the honor of being the first to break it to you. 🙂

Addiction: the state of being; infatuated with, obsessed with, in love with, devoted to something, but in my case – someone.

Infatuated.

We were coastin’ on the coast when you opened my eyes
Made me notice where the ocean was holding the sky, right.
I was blinded, your smile shining behind those green eyes
The horizon so enticing, please, say you’ll be mine

Obsessed.

Don’t wake me up cause I’m in love with all that you are
You make me see the truth in things, I think that you are
The remedy for everything it seems that you are
The truth itself ’cause nothing else can take me so far

In love.

My afternoon dream when
The world is speedin’
I am still sleepin’
In my blue dream and
I know the meaning
For all the seasons
You are the reason,
My love

Devoted.

My mind is open
So wide since you came inside
I feel so alive
Without you life just passes by, passes by, passes by

Please, please, don’t wake me up.

My afternoon dream when
The world is sleeping
I am still thinking
Of my blue dream
It’s bliss..

– Jhene and I ❤