Situationships Part #3 – Letting go

Yes. I’m back with this stuff and you’re reading it again. It must be love? 🙂

So…
You’re in your situationship. For how ever long. And you realize it’s not going anywhere or maybe it’s gone where it could and you are just not willing to push it any further. And this is okay. Things end. This ship is sailing in a different direction to the one you had laid out for yourself and maybe even opposite to the direction you had both initially planned to sail in. So, you let it go. It no longer serves you.

Now, I am not delusional. I know this is not easy. I mean, I lived the song in my last post so many times. I didn’t want to let go and didn’t want to accept things as they were. I didn’t want to believe that it was “over”. I felt betrayed, let down and unloved. I blamed everyone and everything. I hated. I was bitter. I was mean and a whole lot of things I know now I shouldn’t have been. I found out much later that this wasn’t and isn’t the way to deal with things that end, like relationships. I was only slowing down my own healing process.

You see… if only healing from a broken relationship was a process shared with the person who’s name you say when asked “who hurt you?” things would be different. But this is not always the case. This is on a super saiyan level of adulting. Where we get to sit down like #hurtbae and talk it out. And somehow try to help each other through this grieving process and get “closure”.  You would do this before the both of you split, to make sure there is no unfinished business and  that your next partners don’t have to live in the shadows of your exes. You would adult and walk away knowing that it is indeed over. An amicable parting. Where you both can ride into the sunset having accepted what is.

Now, having lived the song in my last post I know how cumbersome holding on to what’s gone or dragging it along is. If you give anyone heaven on a platter, it should be from a good place. This way you can never be bitter over it, you wont feel like anyone owes you anything. And if you are giving someone what they are not giving back, you can either stop or resign yourself to it. My point: you have a choice. No one can save you, no one is coming for you unless you make that call. Be true to YOU, take your head along. Give when you can give, give without expecting and watch your cup never dry up.

People change. Actually, I don’t believe that. People evolve, yes that sounds better. People evolve into different versions of themselves at different times in their lives. They evolve into versions of what their current circumstances require. This is adaptation. This is what you too, since you’re human (otherwise I’m fucked if you’re not human and reading this) can and will do. You will adapt. You will heal. You will come out of your pain stronger and hopefully wiser. But here is where it starts…

LETTING GO.

 

 

“Can’t Let Go”

When did it go wrong, I will never know

I have loved you all my life
How did it slow down, I go round and round
Thinking about it all the time

I gave you heaven on a platter baby
I gave you everything you never gave me
I never lied and I never faked it
Only wanted for you to save me
This love, it ain’t over yet
There’s too much that I haven’t said

Did you find the note that I wrote?
I hid it in the seam of your coat
It was hard to write with a lump in my throat
Do you even know that I can’t let go

Why were you so cold, let the truth be told
Tell me was it all for the thrill?
What was I thinking, I gave you everything
But you still went for the kill

Ooh sometimes I feel like I’m in the dark
Ooh I thought I’d die in your arms

Did you find the note that I wrote?
I hid it in the seam of your coat
It was hard to write, I had a lump in my throat
Do you even know that I can’t let go

Hope you know, I won’t let go

-Adele

 

The Universal Energy Doesn’t Lie

So…

My beautiful friends always humour me and engage me on the stuff I blog about.
I always enjoy the interaction and emotions I invoke from them.
Some receive this as clear as I intend – moments I cherish!

The situationship conversation has been one of my favourites. I read and reread and feel like I didn’t write it. I couldn’t have. Me? Professional mistake maker?! HA!!!
So, whoever it is that I channel and wherever it is that I go to… is welcome. All of it. May it stay!

My love for strangers is one I will NEVER give up.
My latest regular fix has been uber drivers. They make my days **insert young thug tear here**
On my in to work this morning, I got into my usual “deep” convos and the driver (as always) was more than willing to engage. Fully.
This one in particular had me feeling like “dude are you like stalking me or something? you read my blog don’t you”

Our conversation was mostly about how one should never ever listen to nay-sayers. Especially if what they are saying no to is YOUR life and YOUR future etc. We discussed the importance of knowing what you want and going for it… because no matter how many sticky notes and wishes you can have up in your room (i’m this girl HA!) things don’t fall out of the sky anymore, Manna is history. Literally.
You have to be deliberate and put in the work. Because luck is when preparation meets opportunity… Right?

We went in!!!! And my soul was on fire and I was like yasssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It went to church real quick.

As the trip drew to a close. He said “young lady… I like the way you think. Please do me this one favour: make sure whoever you date, is on your level. Make sure they want the same things. I would hate for all this fire to be met by a stream of water that will wash it down. Burn baby burn”

I mean?!!!

Signed,
A soul on fire
❤

Situationships Part #1 – Head over heels

I’ve found that I write the best when I feel the most. And this is one of those times. So I FEEL this might be one of those… the best. Hey, if I don’t hype myself up who will?

Situationships…

Those things we form by getting involved with people; friendships, romantic relationships and professional relationships. All of those. Bonds and ties.
There is a lot of work that goes into these and I find that we tend to thrust ourselves into them without really giving them much thought or having looked into the particular person(s) you’re about to get into something with. I can keep this broad and general but this post will end up longer than planned. So, I am going to narrow it down and focus it on romantic relationships. Seeing as I have ALL this experience. HAHA!!!

Getting into a romantic relationship with someone should only be done if we are absolutely sure and confident that it is what we want. If the person is what we want. Yes?
I’m not fond of checklists, but maybe they work. Worth a shot really.
I’ve always been about feelings. What feels right. What feels good. If I vibe with a person on a certain level. And I’ve even gone as far as deciding that if the vibe (on that particular level) is strong enough, it may be enough to disguise or allow me to overlook other things. Errr… not very smart. Because time reveals layers that aren’t always visible during courting and well into the honeymoon phase. So, those things that you may have convinced yourself to be so minute, are actually great and ugly and stifling and in your face! ***the feelings in that last sentence. phew!!!***

So choosing. I’m such an advocate of free will and choosing and being sure and and and. LOL! Let’s be real. I am no spring chicken so I should know what I’m talking about and what I want. Right? – Yes. Without all that pressure.
There should be a way to measure someone’s maturity and stability, I think. To gauge where a person is in their lives before you get into something with them. Look, this applies to long term and short term romances. Whether you’re looking for a long lasting commitment or just a fling for the summer. The point is that this person will be in your life and it’s wise to know (or sort of get an idea of) just what they want and are about and see if it fits into what you want too.

Imagine how bumming it would be to have worked on yourself for a long time and have gotten yourself to a great place where all that flows out of you are good vibes and you end up meeting and falling for someone who isn’t as okay with them-self to begin with and is therefore unable to (okay maybe struggles with more than being unable to) meet you with the same zeal and thirst for a positive life? This is that serving from an empty cup, because this is what that it leads to. You will try to water them in the hopes of growing and nurturing them into a strong and sturdy tree but that is not where they are.
And your efforts are in vain. They can only meet you as far as they’ve met themself.

Strength is when you can stand alone. And meeting someone who can stand alone too while with you is even better.

Logic tends to fly out the window where emotions are concerned. LOL. We relax a lot more when we are in lust with someone that we easily overlook all the not so nice parts of them (behavior more than anything). Things we would never ever miss if we were dealing with something else. I am all for going with the flow, with being in the moment and being there fully. However, please take your head with you. You need it!

I feel like this needs a part 2. Because I know I can go and on and on. So, let’s park it here.

❤

“Energy”

When you stumble on an old song and realize how hectic the lyrics really were.
She must’ve been going throught the most.

I wish I could rip out a page of my memory
’cause I put to much energy in him and me
Can’t wait till I get through this phase
’cause it’s killing me
Too bad we can’t re-write our own history

Such a mystery when he’s here with me
It’s hard to believe I’m still lonely
Chances fading now, patience running out
This ain’t how it’s supposed to be

I’m having nightmares from sleeping with the enemy
How do we re-reverse the chemistry
I don’t want us to be the end of me
This love is taking all of my energy
Energy, my energy
Taking all my energy
Energy, my energy
Taking all of (my energy)

Seems only like yesterday, not even gravity
Could keep your feet off the ground when you go to me
How can two be as one
We’ve become to divided now
There’s no use hiding from my misery

Now I can feel a change in me
And I can’t afford to slip much further
From the person I was meant to be
I’m not afraid to walk alone
Not give it up but moving on
Before it gets too deep
’cause you’re taking all of my energy

You’re killing me
You’re taking all of me yeah, oh
This love is taking all of my energy

Miss Keri-baby
Whatever happened to her…

Also, this song sounds like I wrote it.

 

 

Her heart- Anthony Hamilton

I can never sing this song without that resident throat lump joining in…

I had a habit of messing up
Staying out late and getting drunk
I let you down a thousand times
Broken promises
It’s like I ran away from you
My career was my excuse
Until I saw you about to drown in your own tears

And as you cried in my arms 
You woke up my heart 
And I saw again what I found in you 
Cuz her heart, her heart wont let me lose her 
No matter how I try 
I just cant say goodbye and lose her 

When all the folks were said and done
You were there to welcome me home
I was convicted cuz your love never wavered
I know you love me more than me
And you vowed to love through anything
I never had a kind of love that was forever

Her heart wont let me lose her.

Signed,
My heart and all it needs.
❤

TWENTY EIGHT

So… I turned a year older yesterday. Whooopie!!!!!!!

I vlogged about how I feel and actually surprised myself at what I had to say.
I mentioned the things I am grateful for. One of them was the opportunity to be me. How crazy? Well, I am crazy aren’t I? But on the real, I am so happy that I was chosen to be ME!!!

Sure, it would’ve been nice to be some rich famous person like Kim K. LOL!!!!
But I am not. And that’s okay with me. I am me and I am the best version of me.
I love where I’ve been. I love where I’m going. And I’m learning to love and appreciate how I’ll get there. I get so teary eyed when I go through my list of things I am grateful for. I’m overwhelmed by the grace and mercy I’m given. It could all end at any second, but while I still have it, I am going to hold on tight!

I had a lovely and chilled out day with the love of my life. Someone I want to talk about all day and all night. But also want to protect. It’s crazy. But let me leave this here, I think the sun shines out her rear… she thinks so too. LOL.
I swear I’ve loved this human for a thousands years. I wish all of you meet and get to love someone as deeply as I do her. And yesterday, she went out of her way to make me feel special and it worked. I felt like the sun sets in my rear LMAO – this is getting nasty!!!

Back to gratitude and being 28… I get to do more. Live a little more. Isn’t it great? I get to do more of what I like. I get to be Me. I think I’ve run out of words now, an absolute first. Is this what growing older means? LOL!!!

Signed,
Older, grateful and wiser
❤

 

I won’t make you pay for their sins

 

That’s all.

❤

 

 

A letter to my 16 year old self.

Baby girl…

You are beautiful. And everything is going to be just fine.

I wish I could tell you how to live your life and how to do things differently. But that seems unfair. How then will you experience your true self? So I won’t. I’ll just tell you things you need to know, a  catch up session if you will 🙂

You are going to meet so many different people. Each one will leave you with a lesson you need at that particular time or to use later on. Just listen and receive.
You need to know that there are so many different kinds of people with different backgrounds out there. People you will find easy to understand because you had to learn a lot a lot sooner than most. There will be challenges. You will not be received everywhere as you are.  There will be those who are attracted by that light only with the intention of it rubbing off on them instead of just basking in it with you. This will hurt. You will give, give, give, and give until you don’t have anymore. And one day in your 20s you will learn that:

you cannot serve from an empty vessel

You will need to learn the right amount of selfishness. You also need to understand that not everybody is self aware. That some people are experiencing hardships in their late lives and fall apart later in life. And your own earlier experiences would’ve prepared you dealing with such.
You are going to meet broken toys. You will fall in love with them. You will want to play with them in their brokenness and want to fix them little by little.  This is a good thing, don’t ever stop. You are doing a great job with your current toy. You helped save him from the darkest hole.
Keep this up, with others too. Don’t tire. There is good everywhere and everybody needs love.

But please, baby girl please, make sure they want to be fixed. Please get consent. Otherwise you will only break your own self. Remember the empty vessel?
And most importantly – remember that people’s insecurities are just that, their own.
Try to not make them your own. You don’t have to walk in their shoes to help them, keep your light.

I know you are still hurting from losing Themba and Papa. Things are still pretty shaky where your are. You are going to meet someone that looks like them in 3 years. And you are going to love her for the longest time. Losing her will hurt and cut just like losing Themba did. You will lose her so many times in this one life. There is nothing I can do to prepare you for that turmoil. For the ups and downs you’ll go through with her. For the joy you’ll feel every time you look at her, the beauty and greatness you see when you listen to her and the newness of the love you feel for her all the time. Cherish those moments. As you will learn, forever is only as long as you make it.

You will make the deepest connections with YOUR people. You will know they are your people by how you vibe with them. Respect this. Honor this. Treasure this. Tell them, every chance you get. You are of a select few. Know your greatness. Plus honey babe, you are going to grow up in a digital world where you will meet more of yourself and it will feel like home. BASK!!!!

In closing… Don’t do anything differently. Love fully, love recklessly, live loud, live bold. Don’t half ass anything. You are different. Embrace that. Trust those people. Yes. Fuck up your credit score. Get married. Get divorced young. Hurt. Heal. Love again. Hurt again. Fix it all and don’t let it get back to being messed up. Take the good from every bad. Spread cheer. Stay in your magic.

I fucken love you!!!

PS.  You are going to add yourself as a contact on your phone and start chatting to yourself.This will go on for so many years and will beat journaling because they will look like texts send to you {laugh really loud}. You are going to tell yourself the most amazing things about yourself, you are going to believe yourself. You are going to be kind to yourself.  You are going to make yourself feel the way you work so hard to make others feel and for this, you will never be lonely!!!!

Love & all the light in the world.
Your 27 year old self.

❤

 

 

Silent Treament

Allow me to take a moment. Of silence.
I take a lot actually. Some call it self preservation. Some call it being moody. I call it what it is, silence.
I have days when I feel its a bad habit I need to kick and days I can find all the reasons in the world to justify it. So I don’t. Try to kick it that is.

Let’s break it down. What is the dictionary (the internet has dictionaries for sentences, isn’t this world just awesome??!!) meaning of Silent treatment? Well, this is was the first I found: an act or instance of maintaining silence or aloofness toward another person, especially as a means of indicating disapproval or rejection.

Now… this meaning alone has my mind racing through instances of every single time I have ever consciously decided to STFU. There are so many. But I am going to first go into experiences of being the receiver of this treatment. Side note – I don’t forget anything that’s ever made me feel, really really feel… I could paint so many pictures, but this post is not about that.
My earliest memory is with my mom. I had done something that she figured was not worthy of a hiding and she chose to just be quiet. That was the most hurtful, unexplainable, most mind fucking experience of my childhood life. Never had I wished to be whipped, cussed out or even punished in any other way than just silence. It hurt so much, just thinking of it makes me shudder! She started doing it often – look, over the years I have learnt to excuse a lot of the things she did, she was a young mother from a world totally different to mine and had to teach herself parenting. She did the best she could. I turned out okayish. LOL!- and  you know how when something is done a lot you get accustomed to it? Yeah? No. This stung every time. I mean this was a lady who always said the greatest things to me, about me, someone who was on my side and always wanted me to win. And now had nothing to say. 😦 I must’ve really fucked up!
I know now, after many talks, that she was just tired LOL. I get it. Doesn’t make the memories go away, but I understand where she was coming from.

Now as a full-on adult. With years of experience, I can safely say that silence is my go-to place. Instantly. Easily in fact. So much so that I don’t take offence to the treatment (unless I love you, then it still has the same effect it did when I was a little girl). {insert shuddering here}
I have one of those nasal-sounding come multi-toned varying pitches, I-don’t-know-how-to-explain-it voices. I’ve been told I sound like I’m crying when I get excited.
I am telling you about my voice because I want you to understand why I don’t argue and fall into silence whenever I get “excited”. So imagine me in that high pitched voice having to argue a point across to someone who’s not willing to hear me. Epic fail much?
See, I am not confrontational. I am one of those who will probably keel over and die if confronted and backed into a corner. Otherwise, I cry. A lot. I have avoided conflict for that sole reason for the longest time. I skip angry and head right into water-works. Messy, slimy, hicuppy and just heartbreaking crying sessions. Do you know that lady that cries in ALL the Tyler Perry movies. Yeah… that lady. I could play her in a movie.
I digress.
So I avoid conflict. It turns out this is in my personality type. I believe in prevention rather than cure, so much so that I struggle with cure, like extremely. I freeze. Remember that keeling over? I feel like that’s what might happen. LOL! So I try my best to be the best. I try by all means to avoid conflict.

So yeah… silent treatments. Epic mind fucks. But that’s probably the case only with me. Sometimes I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish I could be so removed from situations. I wish I could. Maybe in another life, I guess for now i’m just this person…