I want it so bad!!

So…
I’m a really good diagnose-r, especially of the self. I have only just recently been able to apply it to others, close people of course.
But I’ve gotten very good at pointing out and actually naming what’s “wrong” with me. Remedies and cures are still in the pipeline.
Diagnosing my loved ones and helping them articulate what they are feeling and experiencing has been an interesting ride. I have found that it in turn helps harness how I deal with myself too.

I am more of practical than theoretical. I can read and be told a million things but until I experience them first hand, I won’t believe them. This is perhaps why it took me years to finally pick up a  “self help” book. Because I knew those words would be just that, words. They wouldn’t translate to messages or lessons. Here is where I’m going with this. I have read and listened to many motivational and encouraging books and podcasts and have been hooked on positivity and the REAL application of it in my life. This happened only because things started making sense.

A while ago, I learnt the art of detaching. Removing myself completely from a situation and standing firm in the belief that what is meant for me will NEVER miss me. I believe this with all my might. I have seen it work. And I have shared it with my people. They have bought into it. Now, because this shit (life) gets tricky sometimes; I am in a position where I want something really REALLY bad and I know how significantly detaching would serve me. But I want this so bad. So So SO MUCH!!! I don’t know how to sit in the passenger seat this one time and let what happens happen. I’m out here trying to find glitches and loopholes in the universe just to let me hold on to this and see it come true. Without losing myself in its uncertainty and have it consume me only to spit me out because it wasn’t meant to be.

I think I just reminded myself of it’s power in that last sentence. I’ll let it rest.
I’ll leave it out there. Even thought I know… I want it so bad!

❤

Suss out the Fluff.

SO!!!! We made it into two thousand and seventeen. Woooo hooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last year was tricky and messy AF. It gave me everything I’ve ever wanted and took everything I’ve ever had. Paradoxical much?

Because I am a present student of this thing called life, 2016 didn’t go by without any lessons. Yes, I will admit that I learnt some eagerly and will also need to relearn others.
I wasn’t ready. So I know I missed a few. And our good ol’ universe is ever so ready to repeat these until I finally get it. HA!!!!

I cried so much. The most I have ever. It’s the funniest thing ever. Because I experienced the joy I had been longing for. So why the tears? I have simply come to accept that I either hurt others (for hurting me or whatever) or I cry it all out.

I took the plunge and went back to school. LOL. Such torture that was. The balancing thereof with work, a full time relationship and life happening at a million WTFs per second. I made it out alive. Now to brave second year!

My divorce, that I hardly spoke about, was finalized. I thought I’d be happier and lighter. LOL. It’s the same shit, just legal. It had fizzled out a long time ago. I still want to get sloshed in the name of my decree LOL. Like they do it in the movies! I’m glad that’s done.

I said the following to a lady Uber driver (I was elated when I discovered I got a lady driver for once!!!!!!!!!!!)  on my way back from the court:

We can have every single thing we’ve ever wanted in life and still be miserable. Only if we don’t remember to look at them. Notice them. Celebrate them. Be grateful that despite the world bruising and and hurting, we have all of this.

I moved myself when I said this. Hahahaha!!! She was also taken aback. Such a sweet mama. I wish to ride with her again sometime in the future.

I learnt that I actually have the healthiest relationship with myself more than any other human or thing. I don’t know how I feel about being old, alone, wearing flowy dresses, a house full of crystals and spice&insense smelly hair. OMG I sound like my father’s aunt. ***if you’re reading this, save me. NOW***

Humans are fickle.
Humans are flawed.
I am flawed, but I understand and embrace my flaws – fully.
And maybe one day, as I try always, I will embrace the flaws of others. Dangerous territory, trust me, I know. I have the scars. But I will soldier on.

And in the meantime, I will continue to be nice to myself. As best as I can. I mean, I know my love language best after all. Haha!
I will continue to give myself all the apologies I need.
I will continue to be soft, gentle and real with and to myself. I need it.

So. Here is to more of the good and less (please God let there be none) of the not so good.
Here is to sussing out the fluff!!!

Happy New Year everyone.

❤

Eternal Sunshine

Is it strange for me to say that

If I were to die today
There’s not a thing that I would change
I’ve lived well
Maybe I have made mistakes and been through my fair share of pain
But all in all, it’s been okay, I’ve lived well

And the more that I see, the more that I know
I don’t know anything, at all
Like the more that I breathe, and start to go slow
Of all the many things, I can only recall

All of the good things, good things
All of the good things, good things
Only the good, the good, the good
Only the good, the good, the good

Living on Sycamore street, and spending weekends on the beach
We were free, to be everything we dreamed
Flying kites and water fights
Summer nights, we’d ride our bikes
On Over Hill, Ladera Heights
Man I swear…

And the more that I see, the more that I know
I don’t know anything, at all
Like the more that I breathe, and start to go slow
Of all the many things, I can only recall

All of the good things, good things
All of the good things, good things
Only the good, the good, the good
Only the good, the good, the good

From Jhene & I
#eternalsunshine

❤

 

Silent Treament

Allow me to take a moment. Of silence.
I take a lot actually. Some call it self preservation. Some call it being moody. I call it what it is, silence.
I have days when I feel its a bad habit I need to kick and days I can find all the reasons in the world to justify it. So I don’t. Try to kick it that is.

Let’s break it down. What is the dictionary (the internet has dictionaries for sentences, isn’t this world just awesome??!!) meaning of Silent treatment? Well, this is was the first I found: an act or instance of maintaining silence or aloofness toward another person, especially as a means of indicating disapproval or rejection.

Now… this meaning alone has my mind racing through instances of every single time I have ever consciously decided to STFU. There are so many. But I am going to first go into experiences of being the receiver of this treatment. Side note – I don’t forget anything that’s ever made me feel, really really feel… I could paint so many pictures, but this post is not about that.
My earliest memory is with my mom. I had done something that she figured was not worthy of a hiding and she chose to just be quiet. That was the most hurtful, unexplainable, most mind fucking experience of my childhood life. Never had I wished to be whipped, cussed out or even punished in any other way than just silence. It hurt so much, just thinking of it makes me shudder! She started doing it often – look, over the years I have learnt to excuse a lot of the things she did, she was a young mother from a world totally different to mine and had to teach herself parenting. She did the best she could. I turned out okayish. LOL!- and  you know how when something is done a lot you get accustomed to it? Yeah? No. This stung every time. I mean this was a lady who always said the greatest things to me, about me, someone who was on my side and always wanted me to win. And now had nothing to say. 😦 I must’ve really fucked up!
I know now, after many talks, that she was just tired LOL. I get it. Doesn’t make the memories go away, but I understand where she was coming from.

Now as a full-on adult. With years of experience, I can safely say that silence is my go-to place. Instantly. Easily in fact. So much so that I don’t take offence to the treatment (unless I love you, then it still has the same effect it did when I was a little girl). {insert shuddering here}
I have one of those nasal-sounding come multi-toned varying pitches, I-don’t-know-how-to-explain-it voices. I’ve been told I sound like I’m crying when I get excited.
I am telling you about my voice because I want you to understand why I don’t argue and fall into silence whenever I get “excited”. So imagine me in that high pitched voice having to argue a point across to someone who’s not willing to hear me. Epic fail much?
See, I am not confrontational. I am one of those who will probably keel over and die if confronted and backed into a corner. Otherwise, I cry. A lot. I have avoided conflict for that sole reason for the longest time. I skip angry and head right into water-works. Messy, slimy, hicuppy and just heartbreaking crying sessions. Do you know that lady that cries in ALL the Tyler Perry movies. Yeah… that lady. I could play her in a movie.
I digress.
So I avoid conflict. It turns out this is in my personality type. I believe in prevention rather than cure, so much so that I struggle with cure, like extremely. I freeze. Remember that keeling over? I feel like that’s what might happen. LOL! So I try my best to be the best. I try by all means to avoid conflict.

So yeah… silent treatments. Epic mind fucks. But that’s probably the case only with me. Sometimes I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish I could be so removed from situations. I wish I could. Maybe in another life, I guess for now i’m just this person…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Angels and Demons

This has nothing to do with the book by Dan Brown with the same title, a book I read in high school. Back when I had a hunger for the occult and peculiar . A book that launched me into the world of the Illuminati, not this stupid craze everyone has about famous people. A book I will never forget. One day when I start reviewing books on this platform, I will go into details.

This also has nothing to do with one of my new fragrances by Givenchy with the same name. Look at me, I am a name dropper. hiihihihihi! Shout out to the lover for the lovely gifts!

Okay. Now that I’ve said what this post is not about, how about I get to what it is really about? Yeah? Cool. Read on…

I believe in angels.

These are the people that God sends us. The people He puts in our lives to see us through. They are real people with real stories who are able to impact our lives and leave a mark. They are messengers of the truth, love and light. They are much like soulmate in that they define a before and an after and most times the before is always so blurry. They are the people that help us along the lessons that life is always so ready and willing to teach us. They are not perfect, in fact they are some of the most flawed of us all. Their true nature is seen only by those who want to see. They help those who are ready to be helped.
I love angels.

There are demons.

Now, I don’t think I am as confident in talking about them as I am with angels. This is a belief thing for me. But I will share what I know about them from the demons that I have had to either face or dodge. 🙂
Demons; don’t play nice with them. If you have any that you have claimed as your own and have decided to listen to everyone saying you should embrace them, let THEM play nice with each other.Do not play with them, this is time you will never regain. They are the voices that never have a good thing to say about anything really. They are not light, they do not resemble anything light. They don’t want you to win. RUN BABY RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In closing. Water the plants  you wish to see grow. Pay no mind to those that don’t serve you. Love your angels, nurture them, value them. The demons… send them angels.

Love & Laughter
❤