Eternal Sunshine

Is it strange for me to say that

If I were to die today
There’s not a thing that I would change
I’ve lived well
Maybe I have made mistakes and been through my fair share of pain
But all in all, it’s been okay, I’ve lived well

And the more that I see, the more that I know
I don’t know anything, at all
Like the more that I breathe, and start to go slow
Of all the many things, I can only recall

All of the good things, good things
All of the good things, good things
Only the good, the good, the good
Only the good, the good, the good

Living on Sycamore street, and spending weekends on the beach
We were free, to be everything we dreamed
Flying kites and water fights
Summer nights, we’d ride our bikes
On Over Hill, Ladera Heights
Man I swear…

And the more that I see, the more that I know
I don’t know anything, at all
Like the more that I breathe, and start to go slow
Of all the many things, I can only recall

All of the good things, good things
All of the good things, good things
Only the good, the good, the good
Only the good, the good, the good

From Jhene & I
#eternalsunshine

❤

 

I won’t make you pay for their sins

 

That’s all.

❤

 

 

A letter to my 16 year old self.

Baby girl…

You are beautiful. And everything is going to be just fine.

I wish I could tell you how to live your life and how to do things differently. But that seems unfair. How then will you experience your true self? So I won’t. I’ll just tell you things you need to know, a  catch up session if you will 🙂

You are going to meet so many different people. Each one will leave you with a lesson you need at that particular time or to use later on. Just listen and receive.
You need to know that there are so many different kinds of people with different backgrounds out there. People you will find easy to understand because you had to learn a lot a lot sooner than most. There will be challenges. You will not be received everywhere as you are.  There will be those who are attracted by that light only with the intention of it rubbing off on them instead of just basking in it with you. This will hurt. You will give, give, give, and give until you don’t have anymore. And one day in your 20s you will learn that:

you cannot serve from an empty vessel

You will need to learn the right amount of selfishness. You also need to understand that not everybody is self aware. That some people are experiencing hardships in their late lives and fall apart later in life. And your own earlier experiences would’ve prepared you dealing with such.
You are going to meet broken toys. You will fall in love with them. You will want to play with them in their brokenness and want to fix them little by little.  This is a good thing, don’t ever stop. You are doing a great job with your current toy. You helped save him from the darkest hole.
Keep this up, with others too. Don’t tire. There is good everywhere and everybody needs love.

But please, baby girl please, make sure they want to be fixed. Please get consent. Otherwise you will only break your own self. Remember the empty vessel?
And most importantly – remember that people’s insecurities are just that, their own.
Try to not make them your own. You don’t have to walk in their shoes to help them, keep your light.

I know you are still hurting from losing Themba and Papa. Things are still pretty shaky where your are. You are going to meet someone that looks like them in 3 years. And you are going to love her for the longest time. Losing her will hurt and cut just like losing Themba did. You will lose her so many times in this one life. There is nothing I can do to prepare you for that turmoil. For the ups and downs you’ll go through with her. For the joy you’ll feel every time you look at her, the beauty and greatness you see when you listen to her and the newness of the love you feel for her all the time. Cherish those moments. As you will learn, forever is only as long as you make it.

You will make the deepest connections with YOUR people. You will know they are your people by how you vibe with them. Respect this. Honor this. Treasure this. Tell them, every chance you get. You are of a select few. Know your greatness. Plus honey babe, you are going to grow up in a digital world where you will meet more of yourself and it will feel like home. BASK!!!!

In closing… Don’t do anything differently. Love fully, love recklessly, live loud, live bold. Don’t half ass anything. You are different. Embrace that. Trust those people. Yes. Fuck up your credit score. Get married. Get divorced young. Hurt. Heal. Love again. Hurt again. Fix it all and don’t let it get back to being messed up. Take the good from every bad. Spread cheer. Stay in your magic.

I fucken love you!!!

PS.  You are going to add yourself as a contact on your phone and start chatting to yourself.This will go on for so many years and will beat journaling because they will look like texts send to you {laugh really loud}. You are going to tell yourself the most amazing things about yourself, you are going to believe yourself. You are going to be kind to yourself.  You are going to make yourself feel the way you work so hard to make others feel and for this, you will never be lonely!!!!

Love & all the light in the world.
Your 27 year old self.

❤

 

 

Silent Treament

Allow me to take a moment. Of silence.
I take a lot actually. Some call it self preservation. Some call it being moody. I call it what it is, silence.
I have days when I feel its a bad habit I need to kick and days I can find all the reasons in the world to justify it. So I don’t. Try to kick it that is.

Let’s break it down. What is the dictionary (the internet has dictionaries for sentences, isn’t this world just awesome??!!) meaning of Silent treatment? Well, this is was the first I found: an act or instance of maintaining silence or aloofness toward another person, especially as a means of indicating disapproval or rejection.

Now… this meaning alone has my mind racing through instances of every single time I have ever consciously decided to STFU. There are so many. But I am going to first go into experiences of being the receiver of this treatment. Side note – I don’t forget anything that’s ever made me feel, really really feel… I could paint so many pictures, but this post is not about that.
My earliest memory is with my mom. I had done something that she figured was not worthy of a hiding and she chose to just be quiet. That was the most hurtful, unexplainable, most mind fucking experience of my childhood life. Never had I wished to be whipped, cussed out or even punished in any other way than just silence. It hurt so much, just thinking of it makes me shudder! She started doing it often – look, over the years I have learnt to excuse a lot of the things she did, she was a young mother from a world totally different to mine and had to teach herself parenting. She did the best she could. I turned out okayish. LOL!- and  you know how when something is done a lot you get accustomed to it? Yeah? No. This stung every time. I mean this was a lady who always said the greatest things to me, about me, someone who was on my side and always wanted me to win. And now had nothing to say. 😦 I must’ve really fucked up!
I know now, after many talks, that she was just tired LOL. I get it. Doesn’t make the memories go away, but I understand where she was coming from.

Now as a full-on adult. With years of experience, I can safely say that silence is my go-to place. Instantly. Easily in fact. So much so that I don’t take offence to the treatment (unless I love you, then it still has the same effect it did when I was a little girl). {insert shuddering here}
I have one of those nasal-sounding come multi-toned varying pitches, I-don’t-know-how-to-explain-it voices. I’ve been told I sound like I’m crying when I get excited.
I am telling you about my voice because I want you to understand why I don’t argue and fall into silence whenever I get “excited”. So imagine me in that high pitched voice having to argue a point across to someone who’s not willing to hear me. Epic fail much?
See, I am not confrontational. I am one of those who will probably keel over and die if confronted and backed into a corner. Otherwise, I cry. A lot. I have avoided conflict for that sole reason for the longest time. I skip angry and head right into water-works. Messy, slimy, hicuppy and just heartbreaking crying sessions. Do you know that lady that cries in ALL the Tyler Perry movies. Yeah… that lady. I could play her in a movie.
I digress.
So I avoid conflict. It turns out this is in my personality type. I believe in prevention rather than cure, so much so that I struggle with cure, like extremely. I freeze. Remember that keeling over? I feel like that’s what might happen. LOL! So I try my best to be the best. I try by all means to avoid conflict.

So yeah… silent treatments. Epic mind fucks. But that’s probably the case only with me. Sometimes I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish I could be so removed from situations. I wish I could. Maybe in another life, I guess for now i’m just this person…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Patience

There are things I’ve learnt along the way. Things I had once unlearnt.

I learnt an immeasurable amount of  patience. The kind of patience that never asks. The kind of patience that never wavers. But just is. See, somewhere along the line I acquainted myself with the question “and then what” where actions have reactions and before I act, I know there’ll be a reaction. How does this tie into patience? The kind of patience I learnt was always backed up with how I would react if I didn’t maintain the level thereof. This also led to trusting in the process, knowing that whatever will be will be.

My patience also owes is strength to the constant reminder to be still. To know and remember that where I am right now will only change if I move. That the stillness is actually a way of grounding myself. Letting myself go through it by going through it. It being whatever is happening and threatens my patience and peace.

My patience also is kind. It sees the silver lining and forgets the cloud in its entirety. No, really. I don’t believe in half doing anything. I’m not going to be patient and understanding but still “be ready” for the clouds to let out some rain that may lead to storms and disturb the core of this patience I had to learn, for my sanity. No. I need the kind of patience that is kind and patient.

My patience has its own inner peace. Inner peace. I struggle with that a lot. Like… does it mean being calm? With everything and everyone? Does it automatically kick in when things (life) goes into overdrive? Is it contagious? I’d really like to get answers to those questions. Some day.

If I could talk to my patience I’d ask it how it is able to keep zen through it all. How it is unwavering. Many have called it foolish, I am one of them.

Angels and Demons

This has nothing to do with the book by Dan Brown with the same title, a book I read in high school. Back when I had a hunger for the occult and peculiar . A book that launched me into the world of the Illuminati, not this stupid craze everyone has about famous people. A book I will never forget. One day when I start reviewing books on this platform, I will go into details.

This also has nothing to do with one of my new fragrances by Givenchy with the same name. Look at me, I am a name dropper. hiihihihihi! Shout out to the lover for the lovely gifts!

Okay. Now that I’ve said what this post is not about, how about I get to what it is really about? Yeah? Cool. Read on…

I believe in angels.

These are the people that God sends us. The people He puts in our lives to see us through. They are real people with real stories who are able to impact our lives and leave a mark. They are messengers of the truth, love and light. They are much like soulmate in that they define a before and an after and most times the before is always so blurry. They are the people that help us along the lessons that life is always so ready and willing to teach us. They are not perfect, in fact they are some of the most flawed of us all. Their true nature is seen only by those who want to see. They help those who are ready to be helped.
I love angels.

There are demons.

Now, I don’t think I am as confident in talking about them as I am with angels. This is a belief thing for me. But I will share what I know about them from the demons that I have had to either face or dodge. 🙂
Demons; don’t play nice with them. If you have any that you have claimed as your own and have decided to listen to everyone saying you should embrace them, let THEM play nice with each other.Do not play with them, this is time you will never regain. They are the voices that never have a good thing to say about anything really. They are not light, they do not resemble anything light. They don’t want you to win. RUN BABY RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In closing. Water the plants  you wish to see grow. Pay no mind to those that don’t serve you. Love your angels, nurture them, value them. The demons… send them angels.

Love & Laughter
❤

Blue Dream

My addiction. Love. Bet you didn’t know it was a drug.
Well… I will take the honor of being the first to break it to you. 🙂

Addiction: the state of being; infatuated with, obsessed with, in love with, devoted to something, but in my case – someone.

Infatuated.

We were coastin’ on the coast when you opened my eyes
Made me notice where the ocean was holding the sky, right.
I was blinded, your smile shining behind those green eyes
The horizon so enticing, please, say you’ll be mine

Obsessed.

Don’t wake me up cause I’m in love with all that you are
You make me see the truth in things, I think that you are
The remedy for everything it seems that you are
The truth itself ’cause nothing else can take me so far

In love.

My afternoon dream when
The world is speedin’
I am still sleepin’
In my blue dream and
I know the meaning
For all the seasons
You are the reason,
My love

Devoted.

My mind is open
So wide since you came inside
I feel so alive
Without you life just passes by, passes by, passes by

Please, please, don’t wake me up.

My afternoon dream when
The world is sleeping
I am still thinking
Of my blue dream
It’s bliss..

– Jhene and I ❤

 

Finding Happy

I have so much happy in me. All the time. I want to share it. With everyone. So much so that I keep to myself when I feel my happy slip away. And when it slips, I cry to and for it. Dear happy, please stay.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
– E. E Cummings

So  I have been having an interesting week. Interesting was not my first choice, but for the sake of all things light, interesting will do. It’s Thursday. I am experiencing so many different emotions all at once, none of them sound and feel like my happy. I want my happy. I need my happy. The essence of me is happy, I believe this with all my might!

Monday. So fucken tricky. The lunch I packed isn’t doing anything for me. I’m not hungry. Turn the volume of the sound of my happy way up. So high that anything that doesn’t share the sentiment of happy just cannot come in. It worked. I made it to Tuesday.

 

Tuesday. I cut the side of my lip on Monday, I don’t know how. It burns. I have hot chicken and spinach for lunch. It fucken burns. The day ends. I’m vibing with the lover. Our vibration is so high. I feel like this…

Wednesday. I get the results from the last assignments I submitted. I did so well. I am doing so well. I really want this degree, I am so happy. This feels right. This is a big deal. But maybe just for me. Someone sees it. One person sees it. They say: “Ma-ghel!!! ” this makes me smile.
Keep it moving. You’re doing great.
Your vibe with Friona is all the way up, this is beautiful. Notice the volume of happy turned all the way down, turn it up, it slips down, turn it up… taped it there. Tape doesn’t hold. Decision: fuck it. i’ll call another kind of happy…

Thursday. I pull out the brightest top I have, it should lift  me up. It doesn’t. I should pray. I want to pray. But what do I ask for? What do I want? I pray, I choke. All I hear is a mumbled whisper “I just want my happy”. I swallow a tear that never quite makes it to my tear ducts. I must do something. I buy myself a juicy chicken burger, chips and a fizzy drink and mute the “Believe in yourself Team” and the salads they are all sending photos of. I don’t care about healthy right now, I am chasing happy. I buy myself flowers. My heart claps.

My happy waves at me and mouths: “I am never in anyone else’s hands” 

If anyone is looking for me tell them to look out for the girl in the highlighter-coral top, with the large bouquet of flowers and a bulgy tummy filled with junk. A big smile on her face and a halo of happy around her burning soul.

 

“I’ve got you”

The three most powerful words after “I love you”

Okay maybe that’s just me. Those words, coming from a person you love and trust with your life, ARE EVERYTHING!!!!

Now, in a time of everything being “everything” please just trust that these words are really everything. Knowing that someone is on your team and wants you to win, everything. Knowing that you are not alone and should things not work out in any other part of your life, they’ve got you – everything. Knowing that someone has got your back through it all… every little thing!!!!!

I can live without a lot. I refuse to live without love.

Love and Laughter
XO

 

 

Staying Positive

My oh My. Where to even start with this?

Okay.

Positivity: the frequent experience of pleasant emotions.  Some of the most common are: joy, hope, gratitude, interest, serenity, pride, amusement, love, inspiration, and awe.

From that definition, being positive is a constant thing. Or a thing that is determined by consistency. Whichever makes sense. So it requires constant work. You have to consciously, actively and regularly PRACTICE positivity. This means calling yourself out when you see yourself drifting and heading the opposite direction. I do it all the time. I like that I can now spot it. It sometimes feels like a movie, where I am watching myself go off and wish at that same moment that I could physically pull myself away from myself. LOL! It is a real relationship, this that I have with myself and my thoughts.

This post has been a draft for the longest time. Everytime I sit to carry on where I left of the last time, I either get distracted or start editing what I typed previously. So I’m going to make sure I leave the old words as they are. And add more things, as and when they come to me.

I have cut out; news, tabloid, gossip etc.. I am subscribed to blogs, magazines, websites and forums that are in line with my vision of being a balanced and serene soul. Look, I am really loud and colourful, so maybe serene won’t happen. Much. But everything that I have implemented has helped me calm the fuck down when I have to. I can safely say what I’m doing, is working for ME and MINE. And I need to work on this Reality (TRASHY TV) that I binge on.

I think i’ll leave this here. I can always post another, maybe as a continuation or sequel? I know this is not everything I have learnt, or everything I will ever know. So yes, I shall chop and change. It is my blog, my rules. *allow these moments… power struggles are real*

In closing… I remember being so bitter that I watched a movie and always quoted a woman saying “bitterness is better left in someone else’s cup”
I now know better. Bitterness is not better in any shape, cup, size, or form. It must just be eliminated.

Toast to #growth

Love and Laughter
XO