Situationships Part #3 – Letting go

Yes. I’m back with this stuff and you’re reading it again. It must be love? 🙂

So…
You’re in your situationship. For how ever long. And you realize it’s not going anywhere or maybe it’s gone where it could and you are just not willing to push it any further. And this is okay. Things end. This ship is sailing in a different direction to the one you had laid out for yourself and maybe even opposite to the direction you had both initially planned to sail in. So, you let it go. It no longer serves you.

Now, I am not delusional. I know this is not easy. I mean, I lived the song in my last post so many times. I didn’t want to let go and didn’t want to accept things as they were. I didn’t want to believe that it was “over”. I felt betrayed, let down and unloved. I blamed everyone and everything. I hated. I was bitter. I was mean and a whole lot of things I know now I shouldn’t have been. I found out much later that this wasn’t and isn’t the way to deal with things that end, like relationships. I was only slowing down my own healing process.

You see… if only healing from a broken relationship was a process shared with the person who’s name you say when asked “who hurt you?” things would be different. But this is not always the case. This is on a super saiyan level of adulting. Where we get to sit down like #hurtbae and talk it out. And somehow try to help each other through this grieving process and get “closure”.  You would do this before the both of you split, to make sure there is no unfinished business and  that your next partners don’t have to live in the shadows of your exes. You would adult and walk away knowing that it is indeed over. An amicable parting. Where you both can ride into the sunset having accepted what is.

Now, having lived the song in my last post I know how cumbersome holding on to what’s gone or dragging it along is. If you give anyone heaven on a platter, it should be from a good place. This way you can never be bitter over it, you wont feel like anyone owes you anything. And if you are giving someone what they are not giving back, you can either stop or resign yourself to it. My point: you have a choice. No one can save you, no one is coming for you unless you make that call. Be true to YOU, take your head along. Give when you can give, give without expecting and watch your cup never dry up.

People change. Actually, I don’t believe that. People evolve, yes that sounds better. People evolve into different versions of themselves at different times in their lives. They evolve into versions of what their current circumstances require. This is adaptation. This is what you too, since you’re human (otherwise I’m fucked if you’re not human and reading this) can and will do. You will adapt. You will heal. You will come out of your pain stronger and hopefully wiser. But here is where it starts…

LETTING GO.

 

 

“Can’t Let Go”

When did it go wrong, I will never know

I have loved you all my life
How did it slow down, I go round and round
Thinking about it all the time

I gave you heaven on a platter baby
I gave you everything you never gave me
I never lied and I never faked it
Only wanted for you to save me
This love, it ain’t over yet
There’s too much that I haven’t said

Did you find the note that I wrote?
I hid it in the seam of your coat
It was hard to write with a lump in my throat
Do you even know that I can’t let go

Why were you so cold, let the truth be told
Tell me was it all for the thrill?
What was I thinking, I gave you everything
But you still went for the kill

Ooh sometimes I feel like I’m in the dark
Ooh I thought I’d die in your arms

Did you find the note that I wrote?
I hid it in the seam of your coat
It was hard to write, I had a lump in my throat
Do you even know that I can’t let go

Hope you know, I won’t let go

-Adele

 

“Energy”

When you stumble on an old song and realize how hectic the lyrics really were.
She must’ve been going throught the most.

I wish I could rip out a page of my memory
’cause I put to much energy in him and me
Can’t wait till I get through this phase
’cause it’s killing me
Too bad we can’t re-write our own history

Such a mystery when he’s here with me
It’s hard to believe I’m still lonely
Chances fading now, patience running out
This ain’t how it’s supposed to be

I’m having nightmares from sleeping with the enemy
How do we re-reverse the chemistry
I don’t want us to be the end of me
This love is taking all of my energy
Energy, my energy
Taking all my energy
Energy, my energy
Taking all of (my energy)

Seems only like yesterday, not even gravity
Could keep your feet off the ground when you go to me
How can two be as one
We’ve become to divided now
There’s no use hiding from my misery

Now I can feel a change in me
And I can’t afford to slip much further
From the person I was meant to be
I’m not afraid to walk alone
Not give it up but moving on
Before it gets too deep
’cause you’re taking all of my energy

You’re killing me
You’re taking all of me yeah, oh
This love is taking all of my energy

Miss Keri-baby
Whatever happened to her…

Also, this song sounds like I wrote it.

 

 

A letter to my 16 year old self.

Baby girl…

You are beautiful. And everything is going to be just fine.

I wish I could tell you how to live your life and how to do things differently. But that seems unfair. How then will you experience your true self? So I won’t. I’ll just tell you things you need to know, a  catch up session if you will 🙂

You are going to meet so many different people. Each one will leave you with a lesson you need at that particular time or to use later on. Just listen and receive.
You need to know that there are so many different kinds of people with different backgrounds out there. People you will find easy to understand because you had to learn a lot a lot sooner than most. There will be challenges. You will not be received everywhere as you are.  There will be those who are attracted by that light only with the intention of it rubbing off on them instead of just basking in it with you. This will hurt. You will give, give, give, and give until you don’t have anymore. And one day in your 20s you will learn that:

you cannot serve from an empty vessel

You will need to learn the right amount of selfishness. You also need to understand that not everybody is self aware. That some people are experiencing hardships in their late lives and fall apart later in life. And your own earlier experiences would’ve prepared you dealing with such.
You are going to meet broken toys. You will fall in love with them. You will want to play with them in their brokenness and want to fix them little by little.  This is a good thing, don’t ever stop. You are doing a great job with your current toy. You helped save him from the darkest hole.
Keep this up, with others too. Don’t tire. There is good everywhere and everybody needs love.

But please, baby girl please, make sure they want to be fixed. Please get consent. Otherwise you will only break your own self. Remember the empty vessel?
And most importantly – remember that people’s insecurities are just that, their own.
Try to not make them your own. You don’t have to walk in their shoes to help them, keep your light.

I know you are still hurting from losing Themba and Papa. Things are still pretty shaky where your are. You are going to meet someone that looks like them in 3 years. And you are going to love her for the longest time. Losing her will hurt and cut just like losing Themba did. You will lose her so many times in this one life. There is nothing I can do to prepare you for that turmoil. For the ups and downs you’ll go through with her. For the joy you’ll feel every time you look at her, the beauty and greatness you see when you listen to her and the newness of the love you feel for her all the time. Cherish those moments. As you will learn, forever is only as long as you make it.

You will make the deepest connections with YOUR people. You will know they are your people by how you vibe with them. Respect this. Honor this. Treasure this. Tell them, every chance you get. You are of a select few. Know your greatness. Plus honey babe, you are going to grow up in a digital world where you will meet more of yourself and it will feel like home. BASK!!!!

In closing… Don’t do anything differently. Love fully, love recklessly, live loud, live bold. Don’t half ass anything. You are different. Embrace that. Trust those people. Yes. Fuck up your credit score. Get married. Get divorced young. Hurt. Heal. Love again. Hurt again. Fix it all and don’t let it get back to being messed up. Take the good from every bad. Spread cheer. Stay in your magic.

I fucken love you!!!

PS.  You are going to add yourself as a contact on your phone and start chatting to yourself.This will go on for so many years and will beat journaling because they will look like texts send to you {laugh really loud}. You are going to tell yourself the most amazing things about yourself, you are going to believe yourself. You are going to be kind to yourself.  You are going to make yourself feel the way you work so hard to make others feel and for this, you will never be lonely!!!!

Love & all the light in the world.
Your 27 year old self.

❤

 

 

Silent Treament

Allow me to take a moment. Of silence.
I take a lot actually. Some call it self preservation. Some call it being moody. I call it what it is, silence.
I have days when I feel its a bad habit I need to kick and days I can find all the reasons in the world to justify it. So I don’t. Try to kick it that is.

Let’s break it down. What is the dictionary (the internet has dictionaries for sentences, isn’t this world just awesome??!!) meaning of Silent treatment? Well, this is was the first I found: an act or instance of maintaining silence or aloofness toward another person, especially as a means of indicating disapproval or rejection.

Now… this meaning alone has my mind racing through instances of every single time I have ever consciously decided to STFU. There are so many. But I am going to first go into experiences of being the receiver of this treatment. Side note – I don’t forget anything that’s ever made me feel, really really feel… I could paint so many pictures, but this post is not about that.
My earliest memory is with my mom. I had done something that she figured was not worthy of a hiding and she chose to just be quiet. That was the most hurtful, unexplainable, most mind fucking experience of my childhood life. Never had I wished to be whipped, cussed out or even punished in any other way than just silence. It hurt so much, just thinking of it makes me shudder! She started doing it often – look, over the years I have learnt to excuse a lot of the things she did, she was a young mother from a world totally different to mine and had to teach herself parenting. She did the best she could. I turned out okayish. LOL!- and  you know how when something is done a lot you get accustomed to it? Yeah? No. This stung every time. I mean this was a lady who always said the greatest things to me, about me, someone who was on my side and always wanted me to win. And now had nothing to say. 😦 I must’ve really fucked up!
I know now, after many talks, that she was just tired LOL. I get it. Doesn’t make the memories go away, but I understand where she was coming from.

Now as a full-on adult. With years of experience, I can safely say that silence is my go-to place. Instantly. Easily in fact. So much so that I don’t take offence to the treatment (unless I love you, then it still has the same effect it did when I was a little girl). {insert shuddering here}
I have one of those nasal-sounding come multi-toned varying pitches, I-don’t-know-how-to-explain-it voices. I’ve been told I sound like I’m crying when I get excited.
I am telling you about my voice because I want you to understand why I don’t argue and fall into silence whenever I get “excited”. So imagine me in that high pitched voice having to argue a point across to someone who’s not willing to hear me. Epic fail much?
See, I am not confrontational. I am one of those who will probably keel over and die if confronted and backed into a corner. Otherwise, I cry. A lot. I have avoided conflict for that sole reason for the longest time. I skip angry and head right into water-works. Messy, slimy, hicuppy and just heartbreaking crying sessions. Do you know that lady that cries in ALL the Tyler Perry movies. Yeah… that lady. I could play her in a movie.
I digress.
So I avoid conflict. It turns out this is in my personality type. I believe in prevention rather than cure, so much so that I struggle with cure, like extremely. I freeze. Remember that keeling over? I feel like that’s what might happen. LOL! So I try my best to be the best. I try by all means to avoid conflict.

So yeah… silent treatments. Epic mind fucks. But that’s probably the case only with me. Sometimes I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish I could be so removed from situations. I wish I could. Maybe in another life, I guess for now i’m just this person…