So last week I went back online, on insta. I think I sat with a selfie for a good day, trying to think of a caption. And I wanted to make it about my hair, I am so in love with it!!! But I didn’t, I let it speak for itself.
This made me nervous. Really really anxious. I cannot tell you why. I love the photo, I love the person in it. Why was I nervous? I tried telling people this, one didn’t care and asked me what I’m scared of and added something like how I shouldn’t let a platform have so much power over me, I know she meant well – but this wasn’t what I wanted to hear, maybe needed to hear, but definitely not WANTED. The other mocked me and called me “Mzwakhe Mbuli” because my captions tend to be loooooooong and so over dramatized. LOL. I received this one a little better.
The reception was great. From the very people I missed while I was off. It’s amazing how powerful these relationships we make with strangers online is.
I am a loner. I have always been. I have trust issues, purely from poor experiences with people in the past. I have been an intensely naive person, from the earliest of stages in my life. And this has gotten me burnt, literally – I was once burned by a cup of boiling tea when I was about 10, which til this day I don’t know whether it was accidental or intentional. A story for another day. I will title it – “accident prone”
Having been such a loner and private child, I learnt to befriend books and TV. I made a few imaginary friends, but they were all in me and I acted them out so my friends were never outside of me. One of the reasons I have always wanted to be an actor, there are so many people inside me LOL – I am not clinically insane – FYI. My friends were my family and books. I was an academic and enjoyed the attention I got at school for this. So I never was lonely.
My sister, sometimes I blame her for everything, is the person who brought mxit home. I did not know of this world. Where everyone was connected online and there were chat-rooms. I still blame her for introducing me to people who managed to crawl under my skin and leave me with the most biter of tastes in my mouth! Now Now Censh, calm down, you survived, you are well, you are kind and you blessed.
So, she introduced both Mama and I and we were hooked. It progressed to other platforms and was a spiral (I will let you decide what kind) from there on. As the years went by, I discovered MySpace, Facebook and by then it was too late. I had made “friends” who followed me everywhere. It seemed like everyone knew everyone and this once shy and reserved child knew and was known by everyone. I met people like me, there were not a lot like me where I come from. I was always different and these platforms allowed to to express and tap into all these things that were hidden or just not common. I was happy. I felt free. I felt understood and supported. Until no one had my back when I needed them the most. {insert fake LOL here} Life will never be the same.
I’ve been back a week and already can spot the things that made me leave in the first place, but I must mention that things that made me go back outweigh those that made me want out. And that’s a good thing. In my eyes. I have formed some really nourishing relationships with strangers on this platform. I am appreciative of their existence in my cyber life and I am extra grateful that our paths crossed. I will continue to nurture and nourish these relationships as well as they have done to and with me.
I won’t be as active. I’m busy with round 2 of this semester’s assignments and prepping for my finals. Also, I want to work on spending more time here. This space feels genuine.
Most of the people who read my posts have good intentions for me… I said MOST. I am naive nomore. {flex bicep here}
Shout out to Malebo, Monni and Lola (she probably hasn’t in a while) for mentioning that they’ve read these posts and liked them. And mostly Zinzi, she doesn’t have a choice really, I send her my link whenever I post something and force her to read. She’s my friend. I can get away with it. {insert the biggest grin here}
Love and Laughter!
XO
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