Sneaking Back in

I had to type this out on a word document before uploading. I knew I’d still have to figure out my password for this site. And to be really honest with you, I don’t bother remember passwords anymore. I’ll get into my relationship with them one day. But yes, I had to get this out of my system before I brushed it off one more time. I miss this. Writing and have however many people read and hopefully a handful get it. You know? Or maybe you don’t. but I just really miss it. So here goes.

Hi!

How have you been? Really?
Did you ever think you’d live through a whole pandemic? I don’t think I even thought they exist outside of movies. And wow, this has been a real film. Things closed down but get what didn’t stop happening? Life. Nope, that’s one thing that keeps happening whether you’re ready or not. And everything since then has been happening at a thousand WTFs per second. Lives have changed so much! New people have been born, some died. The usual life stuff just kept happening.

I think I was trying to avoid talking about myself, not sure why because who else is there to talk about?
I’m okay in most ways and not so great in some. I’m on the other side of things I had always longed for. I’ve survived things I thought would definitely end me. The voice of reason in my head is so much louder these days. I’ve always been about self-care, but these days baby!!! it’s elevated. Any little inconvenience, I make sure to tend to my needs. I drop everything and run to my rescue. You see I’ve decided to reparent myself. To love myself more than any could possibly ever claim to love me. And it’s been the best thing I’ve done. I try to make sure I’m not operating from ego or a place of fear. But I believe if I had a child, I’d always put them first. I do a lot for my mental health, as best as I can at least. And I swear if I didn’t need community or a somewhat of a social life – I’d do this whole thing solo ’til the end. Because I don’t stress myself LOL! I may stress about bills or not having enough money to do the things I want to do or even when I believe I’m not living the life I thought I’d be living by now.
Those kind of things. On most days, I am gentle and extend a lot of grace to myself and remind myself of how far I’ve come and how much further I’ll still go. And then there are those days when it all just sounds like I’m making excuses and I get overwhelmed and just shutdown. Those are not my favorite days.
But I guess it’s all a packaged deal right? When I feel like this, I isolate and cater to myself! And sometimes this looks like letting myself stay in bed all day on a Saturday right into Sunday and binge on series or vlogs until it’s time to get ready for the work week. I’ve always been big on Sunday resets. Wake up, find a good sermon (preferably by SJR, I’ll tell you some day how she saved my life) or a live service if I catch one. Clean my home (it is so cute here – with traces of my everywhere lol and so very warm). Meal prep for the next 3 days if I can. Fill my home with the aroma of lavender oil in a hot bubble bath with my Epsom salts while I enjoy my late lunch/ early supper while the sound of a good sermon echoes and soothes my spirit. And when my water is the right temperature, I’ll find a nice feel good rom-com or cozy vlog and watch it as I soak in my candle-lit bathroom. And seal the night with a cup of chamomile tea. Romantic much?! Like I said, gentle is the name of the game. And then I try again and get back into the swing of things. I figured there’s enough tough love from the outside why not treat myself like an egg? “Anything for you Princess” is my favorite line and I love it here! And I am super grateful for the privilege.

I picked up a poetry book the other day and remembered just how much I really really loved writing. How words have always been my escape. And just how good I was at it. I’d like to revive that.
I’ve changed in a lot of ways; I’ve picked up silly habits like doubting myself and my abilities, grew insecure about things I would’ve never thought I’d ever be shy about. The knock my confidence took over the last three years is taking me so long to fix. Thank God I still look calm and poised on the outside while the inside is a turbulent mess! I’m working on it and I wish I could wake up one day and not have to work on it anymore. But! Grace and patience Love. Maybe I’ll talk about the events that changed my life on here. Maybe I won’t. I’m just glad I let myself write something on here.

How do you show up for yourself?

Situationships Part #3 – Letting go

Yes. I’m back with this stuff and you’re reading it again. It must be love? 🙂

So…
You’re in your situationship. For how ever long. And you realize it’s not going anywhere or maybe it’s gone where it could and you are just not willing to push it any further. And this is okay. Things end. This ship is sailing in a different direction to the one you had laid out for yourself and maybe even opposite to the direction you had both initially planned to sail in. So, you let it go. It no longer serves you.

Now, I am not delusional. I know this is not easy. I mean, I lived the song in my last post so many times. I didn’t want to let go and didn’t want to accept things as they were. I didn’t want to believe that it was “over”. I felt betrayed, let down and unloved. I blamed everyone and everything. I hated. I was bitter. I was mean and a whole lot of things I know now I shouldn’t have been. I found out much later that this wasn’t and isn’t the way to deal with things that end, like relationships. I was only slowing down my own healing process.

You see… if only healing from a broken relationship was a process shared with the person who’s name you say when asked “who hurt you?” things would be different. But this is not always the case. This is on a super saiyan level of adulting. Where we get to sit down like #hurtbae and talk it out. And somehow try to help each other through this grieving process and get “closure”.  You would do this before the both of you split, to make sure there is no unfinished business and  that your next partners don’t have to live in the shadows of your exes. You would adult and walk away knowing that it is indeed over. An amicable parting. Where you both can ride into the sunset having accepted what is.

Now, having lived the song in my last post I know how cumbersome holding on to what’s gone or dragging it along is. If you give anyone heaven on a platter, it should be from a good place. This way you can never be bitter over it, you wont feel like anyone owes you anything. And if you are giving someone what they are not giving back, you can either stop or resign yourself to it. My point: you have a choice. No one can save you, no one is coming for you unless you make that call. Be true to YOU, take your head along. Give when you can give, give without expecting and watch your cup never dry up.

People change. Actually, I don’t believe that. People evolve, yes that sounds better. People evolve into different versions of themselves at different times in their lives. They evolve into versions of what their current circumstances require. This is adaptation. This is what you too, since you’re human (otherwise I’m fucked if you’re not human and reading this) can and will do. You will adapt. You will heal. You will come out of your pain stronger and hopefully wiser. But here is where it starts…

LETTING GO.

 

 

Situationships Part #1 – Head over heels

I’ve found that I write the best when I feel the most. And this is one of those times. So I FEEL this might be one of those… the best. Hey, if I don’t hype myself up who will?

Situationships…

Those things we form by getting involved with people; friendships, romantic relationships and professional relationships. All of those. Bonds and ties.
There is a lot of work that goes into these and I find that we tend to thrust ourselves into them without really giving them much thought or having looked into the particular person(s) you’re about to get into something with. I can keep this broad and general but this post will end up longer than planned. So, I am going to narrow it down and focus it on romantic relationships. Seeing as I have ALL this experience. HAHA!!!

Getting into a romantic relationship with someone should only be done if we are absolutely sure and confident that it is what we want. If the person is what we want. Yes?
I’m not fond of checklists, but maybe they work. Worth a shot really.
I’ve always been about feelings. What feels right. What feels good. If I vibe with a person on a certain level. And I’ve even gone as far as deciding that if the vibe (on that particular level) is strong enough, it may be enough to disguise or allow me to overlook other things. Errr… not very smart. Because time reveals layers that aren’t always visible during courting and well into the honeymoon phase. So, those things that you may have convinced yourself to be so minute, are actually great and ugly and stifling and in your face! ***the feelings in that last sentence. phew!!!***

So choosing. I’m such an advocate of free will and choosing and being sure and and and. LOL! Let’s be real. I am no spring chicken so I should know what I’m talking about and what I want. Right? – Yes. Without all that pressure.
There should be a way to measure someone’s maturity and stability, I think. To gauge where a person is in their lives before you get into something with them. Look, this applies to long term and short term romances. Whether you’re looking for a long lasting commitment or just a fling for the summer. The point is that this person will be in your life and it’s wise to know (or sort of get an idea of) just what they want and are about and see if it fits into what you want too.

Imagine how bumming it would be to have worked on yourself for a long time and have gotten yourself to a great place where all that flows out of you are good vibes and you end up meeting and falling for someone who isn’t as okay with them-self to begin with and is therefore unable to (okay maybe struggles with more than being unable to) meet you with the same zeal and thirst for a positive life? This is that serving from an empty cup, because this is what that it leads to. You will try to water them in the hopes of growing and nurturing them into a strong and sturdy tree but that is not where they are.
And your efforts are in vain. They can only meet you as far as they’ve met themself.

Strength is when you can stand alone. And meeting someone who can stand alone too while with you is even better.

Logic tends to fly out the window where emotions are concerned. LOL. We relax a lot more when we are in lust with someone that we easily overlook all the not so nice parts of them (behavior more than anything). Things we would never ever miss if we were dealing with something else. I am all for going with the flow, with being in the moment and being there fully. However, please take your head with you. You need it!

I feel like this needs a part 2. Because I know I can go and on and on. So, let’s park it here.

❤

“Energy”

When you stumble on an old song and realize how hectic the lyrics really were.
She must’ve been going throught the most.

I wish I could rip out a page of my memory
’cause I put to much energy in him and me
Can’t wait till I get through this phase
’cause it’s killing me
Too bad we can’t re-write our own history

Such a mystery when he’s here with me
It’s hard to believe I’m still lonely
Chances fading now, patience running out
This ain’t how it’s supposed to be

I’m having nightmares from sleeping with the enemy
How do we re-reverse the chemistry
I don’t want us to be the end of me
This love is taking all of my energy
Energy, my energy
Taking all my energy
Energy, my energy
Taking all of (my energy)

Seems only like yesterday, not even gravity
Could keep your feet off the ground when you go to me
How can two be as one
We’ve become to divided now
There’s no use hiding from my misery

Now I can feel a change in me
And I can’t afford to slip much further
From the person I was meant to be
I’m not afraid to walk alone
Not give it up but moving on
Before it gets too deep
’cause you’re taking all of my energy

You’re killing me
You’re taking all of me yeah, oh
This love is taking all of my energy

Miss Keri-baby
Whatever happened to her…

Also, this song sounds like I wrote it.

 

 

Eternal Sunshine

Is it strange for me to say that

If I were to die today
There’s not a thing that I would change
I’ve lived well
Maybe I have made mistakes and been through my fair share of pain
But all in all, it’s been okay, I’ve lived well

And the more that I see, the more that I know
I don’t know anything, at all
Like the more that I breathe, and start to go slow
Of all the many things, I can only recall

All of the good things, good things
All of the good things, good things
Only the good, the good, the good
Only the good, the good, the good

Living on Sycamore street, and spending weekends on the beach
We were free, to be everything we dreamed
Flying kites and water fights
Summer nights, we’d ride our bikes
On Over Hill, Ladera Heights
Man I swear…

And the more that I see, the more that I know
I don’t know anything, at all
Like the more that I breathe, and start to go slow
Of all the many things, I can only recall

All of the good things, good things
All of the good things, good things
Only the good, the good, the good
Only the good, the good, the good

From Jhene & I
#eternalsunshine

❤

 

A letter to my 16 year old self.

Baby girl…

You are beautiful. And everything is going to be just fine.

I wish I could tell you how to live your life and how to do things differently. But that seems unfair. How then will you experience your true self? So I won’t. I’ll just tell you things you need to know, a  catch up session if you will 🙂

You are going to meet so many different people. Each one will leave you with a lesson you need at that particular time or to use later on. Just listen and receive.
You need to know that there are so many different kinds of people with different backgrounds out there. People you will find easy to understand because you had to learn a lot a lot sooner than most. There will be challenges. You will not be received everywhere as you are.  There will be those who are attracted by that light only with the intention of it rubbing off on them instead of just basking in it with you. This will hurt. You will give, give, give, and give until you don’t have anymore. And one day in your 20s you will learn that:

you cannot serve from an empty vessel

You will need to learn the right amount of selfishness. You also need to understand that not everybody is self aware. That some people are experiencing hardships in their late lives and fall apart later in life. And your own earlier experiences would’ve prepared you dealing with such.
You are going to meet broken toys. You will fall in love with them. You will want to play with them in their brokenness and want to fix them little by little.  This is a good thing, don’t ever stop. You are doing a great job with your current toy. You helped save him from the darkest hole.
Keep this up, with others too. Don’t tire. There is good everywhere and everybody needs love.

But please, baby girl please, make sure they want to be fixed. Please get consent. Otherwise you will only break your own self. Remember the empty vessel?
And most importantly – remember that people’s insecurities are just that, their own.
Try to not make them your own. You don’t have to walk in their shoes to help them, keep your light.

I know you are still hurting from losing Themba and Papa. Things are still pretty shaky where your are. You are going to meet someone that looks like them in 3 years. And you are going to love her for the longest time. Losing her will hurt and cut just like losing Themba did. You will lose her so many times in this one life. There is nothing I can do to prepare you for that turmoil. For the ups and downs you’ll go through with her. For the joy you’ll feel every time you look at her, the beauty and greatness you see when you listen to her and the newness of the love you feel for her all the time. Cherish those moments. As you will learn, forever is only as long as you make it.

You will make the deepest connections with YOUR people. You will know they are your people by how you vibe with them. Respect this. Honor this. Treasure this. Tell them, every chance you get. You are of a select few. Know your greatness. Plus honey babe, you are going to grow up in a digital world where you will meet more of yourself and it will feel like home. BASK!!!!

In closing… Don’t do anything differently. Love fully, love recklessly, live loud, live bold. Don’t half ass anything. You are different. Embrace that. Trust those people. Yes. Fuck up your credit score. Get married. Get divorced young. Hurt. Heal. Love again. Hurt again. Fix it all and don’t let it get back to being messed up. Take the good from every bad. Spread cheer. Stay in your magic.

I fucken love you!!!

PS.  You are going to add yourself as a contact on your phone and start chatting to yourself.This will go on for so many years and will beat journaling because they will look like texts send to you {laugh really loud}. You are going to tell yourself the most amazing things about yourself, you are going to believe yourself. You are going to be kind to yourself.  You are going to make yourself feel the way you work so hard to make others feel and for this, you will never be lonely!!!!

Love & all the light in the world.
Your 27 year old self.

❤

 

 

Silent Treament

Allow me to take a moment. Of silence.
I take a lot actually. Some call it self preservation. Some call it being moody. I call it what it is, silence.
I have days when I feel its a bad habit I need to kick and days I can find all the reasons in the world to justify it. So I don’t. Try to kick it that is.

Let’s break it down. What is the dictionary (the internet has dictionaries for sentences, isn’t this world just awesome??!!) meaning of Silent treatment? Well, this is was the first I found: an act or instance of maintaining silence or aloofness toward another person, especially as a means of indicating disapproval or rejection.

Now… this meaning alone has my mind racing through instances of every single time I have ever consciously decided to STFU. There are so many. But I am going to first go into experiences of being the receiver of this treatment. Side note – I don’t forget anything that’s ever made me feel, really really feel… I could paint so many pictures, but this post is not about that.
My earliest memory is with my mom. I had done something that she figured was not worthy of a hiding and she chose to just be quiet. That was the most hurtful, unexplainable, most mind fucking experience of my childhood life. Never had I wished to be whipped, cussed out or even punished in any other way than just silence. It hurt so much, just thinking of it makes me shudder! She started doing it often – look, over the years I have learnt to excuse a lot of the things she did, she was a young mother from a world totally different to mine and had to teach herself parenting. She did the best she could. I turned out okayish. LOL!- and  you know how when something is done a lot you get accustomed to it? Yeah? No. This stung every time. I mean this was a lady who always said the greatest things to me, about me, someone who was on my side and always wanted me to win. And now had nothing to say. 😦 I must’ve really fucked up!
I know now, after many talks, that she was just tired LOL. I get it. Doesn’t make the memories go away, but I understand where she was coming from.

Now as a full-on adult. With years of experience, I can safely say that silence is my go-to place. Instantly. Easily in fact. So much so that I don’t take offence to the treatment (unless I love you, then it still has the same effect it did when I was a little girl). {insert shuddering here}
I have one of those nasal-sounding come multi-toned varying pitches, I-don’t-know-how-to-explain-it voices. I’ve been told I sound like I’m crying when I get excited.
I am telling you about my voice because I want you to understand why I don’t argue and fall into silence whenever I get “excited”. So imagine me in that high pitched voice having to argue a point across to someone who’s not willing to hear me. Epic fail much?
See, I am not confrontational. I am one of those who will probably keel over and die if confronted and backed into a corner. Otherwise, I cry. A lot. I have avoided conflict for that sole reason for the longest time. I skip angry and head right into water-works. Messy, slimy, hicuppy and just heartbreaking crying sessions. Do you know that lady that cries in ALL the Tyler Perry movies. Yeah… that lady. I could play her in a movie.
I digress.
So I avoid conflict. It turns out this is in my personality type. I believe in prevention rather than cure, so much so that I struggle with cure, like extremely. I freeze. Remember that keeling over? I feel like that’s what might happen. LOL! So I try my best to be the best. I try by all means to avoid conflict.

So yeah… silent treatments. Epic mind fucks. But that’s probably the case only with me. Sometimes I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I didn’t care so much. I wish I could be so removed from situations. I wish I could. Maybe in another life, I guess for now i’m just this person…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Patience

There are things I’ve learnt along the way. Things I had once unlearnt.

I learnt an immeasurable amount of  patience. The kind of patience that never asks. The kind of patience that never wavers. But just is. See, somewhere along the line I acquainted myself with the question “and then what” where actions have reactions and before I act, I know there’ll be a reaction. How does this tie into patience? The kind of patience I learnt was always backed up with how I would react if I didn’t maintain the level thereof. This also led to trusting in the process, knowing that whatever will be will be.

My patience also owes is strength to the constant reminder to be still. To know and remember that where I am right now will only change if I move. That the stillness is actually a way of grounding myself. Letting myself go through it by going through it. It being whatever is happening and threatens my patience and peace.

My patience also is kind. It sees the silver lining and forgets the cloud in its entirety. No, really. I don’t believe in half doing anything. I’m not going to be patient and understanding but still “be ready” for the clouds to let out some rain that may lead to storms and disturb the core of this patience I had to learn, for my sanity. No. I need the kind of patience that is kind and patient.

My patience has its own inner peace. Inner peace. I struggle with that a lot. Like… does it mean being calm? With everything and everyone? Does it automatically kick in when things (life) goes into overdrive? Is it contagious? I’d really like to get answers to those questions. Some day.

If I could talk to my patience I’d ask it how it is able to keep zen through it all. How it is unwavering. Many have called it foolish, I am one of them.

Finding Happy

I have so much happy in me. All the time. I want to share it. With everyone. So much so that I keep to myself when I feel my happy slip away. And when it slips, I cry to and for it. Dear happy, please stay.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
– E. E Cummings

So  I have been having an interesting week. Interesting was not my first choice, but for the sake of all things light, interesting will do. It’s Thursday. I am experiencing so many different emotions all at once, none of them sound and feel like my happy. I want my happy. I need my happy. The essence of me is happy, I believe this with all my might!

Monday. So fucken tricky. The lunch I packed isn’t doing anything for me. I’m not hungry. Turn the volume of the sound of my happy way up. So high that anything that doesn’t share the sentiment of happy just cannot come in. It worked. I made it to Tuesday.

 

Tuesday. I cut the side of my lip on Monday, I don’t know how. It burns. I have hot chicken and spinach for lunch. It fucken burns. The day ends. I’m vibing with the lover. Our vibration is so high. I feel like this…

Wednesday. I get the results from the last assignments I submitted. I did so well. I am doing so well. I really want this degree, I am so happy. This feels right. This is a big deal. But maybe just for me. Someone sees it. One person sees it. They say: “Ma-ghel!!! ” this makes me smile.
Keep it moving. You’re doing great.
Your vibe with Friona is all the way up, this is beautiful. Notice the volume of happy turned all the way down, turn it up, it slips down, turn it up… taped it there. Tape doesn’t hold. Decision: fuck it. i’ll call another kind of happy…

Thursday. I pull out the brightest top I have, it should lift  me up. It doesn’t. I should pray. I want to pray. But what do I ask for? What do I want? I pray, I choke. All I hear is a mumbled whisper “I just want my happy”. I swallow a tear that never quite makes it to my tear ducts. I must do something. I buy myself a juicy chicken burger, chips and a fizzy drink and mute the “Believe in yourself Team” and the salads they are all sending photos of. I don’t care about healthy right now, I am chasing happy. I buy myself flowers. My heart claps.

My happy waves at me and mouths: “I am never in anyone else’s hands” 

If anyone is looking for me tell them to look out for the girl in the highlighter-coral top, with the large bouquet of flowers and a bulgy tummy filled with junk. A big smile on her face and a halo of happy around her burning soul.

 

Staying Positive

My oh My. Where to even start with this?

Okay.

Positivity: the frequent experience of pleasant emotions.  Some of the most common are: joy, hope, gratitude, interest, serenity, pride, amusement, love, inspiration, and awe.

From that definition, being positive is a constant thing. Or a thing that is determined by consistency. Whichever makes sense. So it requires constant work. You have to consciously, actively and regularly PRACTICE positivity. This means calling yourself out when you see yourself drifting and heading the opposite direction. I do it all the time. I like that I can now spot it. It sometimes feels like a movie, where I am watching myself go off and wish at that same moment that I could physically pull myself away from myself. LOL! It is a real relationship, this that I have with myself and my thoughts.

This post has been a draft for the longest time. Everytime I sit to carry on where I left of the last time, I either get distracted or start editing what I typed previously. So I’m going to make sure I leave the old words as they are. And add more things, as and when they come to me.

I have cut out; news, tabloid, gossip etc.. I am subscribed to blogs, magazines, websites and forums that are in line with my vision of being a balanced and serene soul. Look, I am really loud and colourful, so maybe serene won’t happen. Much. But everything that I have implemented has helped me calm the fuck down when I have to. I can safely say what I’m doing, is working for ME and MINE. And I need to work on this Reality (TRASHY TV) that I binge on.

I think i’ll leave this here. I can always post another, maybe as a continuation or sequel? I know this is not everything I have learnt, or everything I will ever know. So yes, I shall chop and change. It is my blog, my rules. *allow these moments… power struggles are real*

In closing… I remember being so bitter that I watched a movie and always quoted a woman saying “bitterness is better left in someone else’s cup”
I now know better. Bitterness is not better in any shape, cup, size, or form. It must just be eliminated.

Toast to #growth

Love and Laughter
XO